WEBVTT 00:01.516 --> 00:04.876 Welcome to the Valley Baptist Church sermon podcast. 00:04.876 --> 00:08.316 We're so glad you're here and we hope this message inspires you, 00:08.316 --> 00:12.476 builds your faith, and moves you toward a deep relationship with God. 00:12.476 --> 00:15.516 Today, you'll find great insight into the Bible 00:15.516 --> 00:18.236 and learn how you can apply it straight to your life. 00:18.236 --> 00:20.756 So welcome and enjoy the message. 00:21.462 --> 00:25.382 If you have your Bible, please open it with me to Genesis chapter 2. 00:26.202 --> 00:33.042 Now next Sunday, Lord willing, we're going to begin a verse-by-verse study through the book of 1 Thessalonians. 00:33.582 --> 00:38.662 And I'm thrilled to study that book with you beginning next week. 00:38.762 --> 00:46.462 But this morning, we're talking about how to overcome the drift that sometimes happens within marriage. 00:47.348 --> 00:50.368 You know, last week was Christmas, and every year at Christmastime, 00:50.468 --> 00:54.708 I'm a little bit panicked that someone in my family is going to get a present 00:54.708 --> 00:59.268 with those dreaded words, some assembly required on the box, all right? 01:00.408 --> 01:02.128 Those words stress me out. 01:02.348 --> 01:04.228 I'm not very good at putting things together. 01:04.768 --> 01:09.588 You know, when you assemble something, you need the parts, you need some tools, 01:09.968 --> 01:14.008 you need some instructions, but you also need a vision of what it's supposed to look like. 01:14.008 --> 01:16.088 I mean, please give me a picture. 01:17.268 --> 01:21.808 to see if what I'm building measures up and what it's supposed to look like. 01:22.508 --> 01:26.168 Well, all of us who are married are trying to build great marriages, 01:26.288 --> 01:27.388 or at least that's the goal. 01:27.868 --> 01:30.808 But sometimes we lose sight of what it's supposed to look like. 01:31.595 --> 01:35.275 Proverbs says, where there is no vision, the people perish. 01:35.815 --> 01:40.615 And I have found that many people don't have a vision for their marriage. 01:41.095 --> 01:44.175 Well, maybe their marriage started out with a vision, but over time, 01:44.175 --> 01:49.455 their marriage becomes more about routine than about relationship. 01:49.875 --> 01:52.575 And then we wonder why divorce rates are so high. 01:52.715 --> 01:54.575 Well, where there is no vision. 01:55.321 --> 01:56.341 The people perish. 01:56.861 --> 02:01.201 Without a clear vision for marriage, people just kind of go through the motions and they think, 02:01.261 --> 02:04.801 well, this must be as good as life is going to get with this particular person. 02:04.801 --> 02:08.801 So they either divorce the person or they live miserably in that marriage. 02:10.019 --> 02:17.119 I want to give you a third option today, and that is to pursue God's vision for your marriage. 02:17.639 --> 02:22.719 It's a brand new year and many people are making New Year's resolutions. 02:22.979 --> 02:24.939 I'm sure you've been thinking about that yourself. 02:25.079 --> 02:30.139 Why not make a New Year's resolution to pursue God's vision for your marriage? 02:30.151 --> 02:31.731 for your marriage. 02:31.731 --> 02:34.231 Now in order for you to do that, 02:34.231 --> 02:36.451 you're gonna have to come to grips with the fact 02:36.451 --> 02:38.751 that your vision for your marriage 02:38.751 --> 02:40.871 may have been doomed from the start. 02:40.871 --> 02:42.891 You see, the devil's a liar. 02:43.043 --> 02:49.423 And he is constantly trying to do his best to create counterfeit visions for marriage that will never work. 02:50.163 --> 02:54.403 And maybe you've subconsciously bought into some of those counterfeits. 02:54.743 --> 03:01.703 Maybe you got your vision for marriage from Disney movies, you know, where Prince Charming is going to sweep you off your feet. 03:01.803 --> 03:03.683 You're going to live happily ever after. 03:04.423 --> 03:06.203 Like that ever happens, right? 03:06.203 --> 03:07.056 Right? 03:07.057 --> 03:12.977 Maybe you got your vision for marriage from some chick flicks where in the name of romance, 03:13.157 --> 03:16.277 disloyalty and sexual promiscuity, they're completely ignored. 03:16.717 --> 03:23.037 And then that emotional roller coaster of those movies produced oxytocin within you as you watched. 03:23.037 --> 03:30.017 And you started to think that maybe this would be a good relationship advice and fulfilling marriage. 03:30.877 --> 03:34.597 Others of you got your vision for marriage from pornography. 03:34.597 --> 03:36.117 Or at least your vision of the marriage bed. 03:36.197 --> 03:41.737 And somehow you thought that treating your spouse as an object was going to lead to mutual satisfaction. 03:42.237 --> 03:44.457 When really it just led to mutual destruction. 03:45.517 --> 03:50.437 The devil is bombarding our culture with counterfeit visions for marriage. 03:51.353 --> 03:58.033 Now, I found, though, among Christians at least, most people start off not too far away from God's vision. 03:58.733 --> 04:03.293 Most people marry for love and companionship and for intimacy. 04:03.493 --> 04:08.013 But over time, they begin to lose sight of those things so that they drift apart. 04:08.773 --> 04:10.393 They no longer feel love. 04:10.493 --> 04:12.893 They no longer feel like they're companions. 04:13.153 --> 04:15.873 They no longer experience intimacy. 04:16.970 --> 04:19.870 So if that's you, I've got some good news for you today. 04:19.970 --> 04:21.430 You don't have to remain like that. 04:22.030 --> 04:27.150 In fact, you should not remain like that because God still has a vision for your marriage. 04:27.150 --> 04:34.010 If you're still married, and I know that many people listening, you're like, Pastor, you're too late with this marriage. 04:34.190 --> 04:37.710 I needed this months ago or years ago, and your marriage has fallen apart. 04:37.850 --> 04:40.010 Listen, God still has a plan for your life. 04:40.270 --> 04:45.170 But if you're still married, God has a vision for the marriage that you're in. 04:45.792 --> 04:49.412 Now, you may no longer have that vision, but God does. 04:49.732 --> 04:51.071 He can see it now. 04:51.072 --> 04:55.712 It's a home that's full of love and patience, gratitude and grace. 04:55.712 --> 05:01.212 It's a team that encourages and supports, comforts and communicates. 05:02.330 --> 05:07.890 Genesis chapter 2, after God created Adam, he said, it's not good for man to be alone. 05:07.990 --> 05:11.170 I'm going to make him a helpmate that's comparable to him. 05:11.710 --> 05:12.649 And you know the story. 05:12.650 --> 05:18.670 God took a rib out of Adam and he fashioned a companion for man, a woman. 05:18.990 --> 05:28.690 And God said in chapter 2, verse 24, he says, therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. 05:29.583 --> 05:32.863 Now, becoming one flesh, it speaks of a number of things. 05:32.963 --> 05:36.983 It certainly speaks, though, of companionship, intimacy, and multiplication. 05:38.203 --> 05:43.143 You see, God's vision for your marriage is that you and your spouse would be great companions, 05:43.823 --> 05:46.923 that you and your spouse would experience true intimacy, 05:47.323 --> 05:50.323 and that you and your spouse would raise godly kids. 05:51.115 --> 05:54.275 Now, that sounds like an oversimplification, and perhaps it is, 05:54.415 --> 05:57.595 but sometimes it's helpful to get back to the basics and be simple. 05:57.715 --> 05:58.915 Here's what marriage is about. 05:59.515 --> 06:03.535 Those three things, companionship, intimacy, and raising a family, 06:03.895 --> 06:06.415 that's probably why you got married in the first place. 06:07.366 --> 06:10.906 Now, the raising the family part is not our focus today. 06:11.006 --> 06:13.986 That's sort of the byproduct of having an amazing marriage. 06:14.246 --> 06:16.546 That will have to be left for another day. 06:17.106 --> 06:24.126 Instead, I want to focus on companionship and intimacy, which are God's vision for your marriage. 06:24.562 --> 06:27.162 Ecclesiastes chapter 4 verse 9 says, 06:27.162 --> 06:31.402 "...two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. 06:31.722 --> 06:34.662 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. 06:35.182 --> 06:39.562 But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. 06:39.862 --> 06:42.502 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 06:42.602 --> 06:45.162 But how can one be warm alone?" 06:46.002 --> 06:51.862 I'm guessing that you got married probably because you wanted to share your life with someone else 06:51.862 --> 06:53.062 and you didn't want to live alone. 06:53.242 --> 06:53.957 Right? 06:53.958 --> 06:57.218 Now, it's not that you wanted a roommate or friends with benefit. 06:57.378 --> 07:01.798 You wanted a lifelong companion to experience true intimacy with. 07:02.138 --> 07:04.858 That's what you signed up for when you got married. 07:04.918 --> 07:06.517 But there's a problem. 07:06.518 --> 07:08.697 Life happened. 07:08.698 --> 07:12.198 Perhaps it started out well, but it's no longer well. 07:12.638 --> 07:15.778 Instead of daily companionship, you experienced daily battles. 07:15.778 --> 07:18.518 Instead of true intimacy, you hardly know each other anymore. 07:19.338 --> 07:20.037 Well, what happened? 07:20.038 --> 07:21.297 Well, here's what happened. 07:21.298 --> 07:22.938 You drifted apart. 07:23.945 --> 07:27.645 Now, it's not that either one of you woke up one day and decided to have a bad marriage. 07:27.765 --> 07:30.925 No, over time, you drifted apart. 07:31.265 --> 07:34.705 So that now you can hardly recognize yourselves anymore. 07:35.565 --> 07:40.945 Back in Oklahoma, where my family's from, there's these dirt roads that you can drive on. 07:41.085 --> 07:44.425 And on both sides of the dirt roads are these huge ditches. 07:44.745 --> 07:51.565 Now, what would happen if I'm driving down one of those dirt roads and I veered off course just by one or two degrees? 07:52.750 --> 07:53.809 Tell you what would happen. 07:53.810 --> 07:56.990 If I didn't course correct, I'd be in a ditch within a few hundred feet. 07:58.066 --> 08:01.146 Well, that's exactly what happens when you drift apart 08:01.146 --> 08:02.466 in your marriage before long. 08:02.466 --> 08:05.386 If you don't course correct, you're gonna be in the ditch, 08:05.386 --> 08:06.586 wondering how you got there. 08:06.586 --> 08:08.546 And I'll tell you exactly how you got there. 08:08.546 --> 08:10.286 You drifted there. 08:10.286 --> 08:12.666 You drifted apart. 08:12.666 --> 08:14.346 Now, that can happen to any of us. 08:14.346 --> 08:16.606 In fact, it happens to all of us. 08:16.606 --> 08:17.866 That's why it's so very important 08:17.866 --> 08:21.626 that we intentionally course correct along the way. 08:21.626 --> 08:23.506 Because a couple with a good marriage 08:23.506 --> 08:25.806 doesn't have a good marriage by accident. 08:25.910 --> 08:29.890 No, they're diligent to course correct on a regular basis. 08:30.854 --> 08:36.114 Now, whenever they do that, it's not that they're somehow admitting they have a bad marriage. 08:36.214 --> 08:41.754 No, what they're doing is they're admitting that marriage has an enemy within it called self. 08:42.734 --> 08:47.314 You see, sinful self creates a problem within marriage. 08:47.974 --> 08:56.574 Whenever God joined Kelsey and I together in marriage and he welded us together by covenant, we became one. 08:56.572 --> 09:02.852 Now, we have had to learn how to grow to become one and experience oneness, 09:03.212 --> 09:10.452 but that oneness is speaking of intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and even sexual intimacy. 09:10.952 --> 09:12.512 But here's what sin does. 09:12.512 --> 09:13.277 It says, 09:13.278 --> 09:18.278 Sin interrupts intimacy at every level, at every level. 09:19.318 --> 09:21.938 And sin at its core is selfishness. 09:21.938 --> 09:23.718 When we put our desires above God 09:23.718 --> 09:26.378 and we put our desires above others. 09:26.378 --> 09:29.178 You see the greatest threat to your marriage 09:29.178 --> 09:32.958 is for you to start thinking of yourselves as individuals 09:32.958 --> 09:34.818 instead of as a team. 09:34.818 --> 09:36.658 Because marriage is a team sport. 09:36.658 --> 09:40.518 And you know the saying, there's no I in team. 09:40.518 --> 09:41.598 But here's a problem. 09:41.847 --> 09:46.507 When you got married, you remained a sinner, and your spouse remained a sinner. 09:46.607 --> 09:49.887 In many ways, sin after you're married is actually amplified. 09:50.567 --> 09:53.827 Now, it's not that we get more selfish when we get married. 09:54.087 --> 09:57.567 It's just that our selfishness is more exposed. 09:58.527 --> 10:04.007 My dad used to say that marriage is God's heavenly sandpaper. 10:04.004 --> 10:10.124 You get two rough pieces of sandpaper and you put them together and you rub those things together, you're going to have a lot of friction. 10:10.664 --> 10:15.924 It's going to be very rough at first, but over time, those rough edges are smoothed out. 10:16.804 --> 10:22.704 Marriage can be a tool in the hand of God to bring sanctification to your life so that you look more like Jesus, 10:22.704 --> 10:27.704 to rub out those rough areas of our life if we respond to Him. 10:28.355 --> 10:31.835 But responding to him is not our natural tendency. 10:32.375 --> 10:35.655 Our natural tendency is to ignore our selfishness. 10:35.655 --> 10:39.895 And the reason we ignore it is because it does not feel good when it's exposed. 10:40.975 --> 10:43.395 Our pride is wounded when it's exposed. 10:44.215 --> 10:49.115 Gary Thomas said that marriage is one sinner living with another sinner trying to get along. 10:49.887 --> 10:51.066 And that's true. 10:51.067 --> 10:54.047 But let me suggest a better way to think about marriage. 10:54.707 --> 11:02.407 A great marriage is when one grace-filled sinner is living with another grace-filled sinner actually getting along. 11:03.353 --> 11:06.073 You see, grace is unearned favor. 11:06.073 --> 11:12.913 And when we receive the grace of God, that means God is now treating us much better than what we deserve to be treated. 11:13.533 --> 11:16.493 And what every marriage needs is to be grace-filled. 11:16.873 --> 11:27.813 Where instead of each husband and wife, instead of you being stuck in this endless cycle of this selfishness loop of treating your spouse the way they deserve to be treated, what if? 11:28.582 --> 11:33.382 What if because of our love for them, what if because we're a team, what if because we're one, 11:33.382 --> 11:37.242 we started treating them better than what they actually deserve? 11:38.102 --> 11:42.322 That we would do to them as God has done to us. 11:42.502 --> 11:46.722 Now here's what will happen if your marriage becomes grace-filled. 11:48.122 --> 11:51.422 Mutual blessing. Mutual blessing. 11:52.156 --> 11:56.236 Because now you're not focused on what your spouse is not doing for you. 11:56.336 --> 11:59.116 You're focused on how you can love your spouse. 11:59.564 --> 12:00.784 in spite of it. 12:00.784 --> 12:02.344 You love them anyway. 12:02.344 --> 12:04.604 After all, that's how you won each other's heart 12:04.604 --> 12:05.744 at the very beginning. 12:05.744 --> 12:07.904 When a couple begins liking each other 12:07.904 --> 12:10.984 and that relationship is growing towards marriage, 12:10.984 --> 12:12.224 it's moving towards marriage, 12:12.224 --> 12:14.344 it's because both the man and the woman 12:14.344 --> 12:16.064 are focused on blessing the other. 12:16.064 --> 12:17.844 How can I bless them, right? 12:17.844 --> 12:21.764 And as they do that, their love for one another grows 12:21.764 --> 12:24.024 and each other's shortcomings are actually minimized 12:24.024 --> 12:26.524 in their mind and sometimes they're overlooked. 12:26.524 --> 12:27.363 How does that happen? 12:27.364 --> 12:28.444 Well, it's love. 12:28.589 --> 12:32.369 Love does that. Love causes grace. 12:33.029 --> 12:36.929 Something happens after a couple's been married a while. 12:37.769 --> 12:39.409 Apathy sets in. 12:40.089 --> 12:44.969 And apathy always creates you and your 12:44.969 --> 12:48.029 spouse to have this problem of drifting. 12:48.689 --> 12:50.549 It's going to cause you to drift apart. 12:50.829 --> 12:55.329 Apathy is defined as a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. 12:56.365 --> 13:00.305 In marriage, the opposite of love is not always hate. 13:00.305 --> 13:02.985 Oftentimes, the opposite of love is apathy. 13:02.985 --> 13:04.885 It's just kind of not care. 13:04.885 --> 13:07.125 And sadly, many people find themselves 13:07.125 --> 13:08.265 within an apathetic marriage, 13:08.265 --> 13:09.625 and it didn't happen overnight. 13:09.625 --> 13:11.185 It was much more subtle than that, 13:11.185 --> 13:13.125 but nevertheless, here you are. 13:13.125 --> 13:16.865 And if that's you, what in the world do you do about it? 13:16.865 --> 13:19.525 Well, as way of application, here's what you do. 13:19.525 --> 13:23.485 You intentionally invest in your marriage. 13:23.485 --> 13:25.185 Intentionally invest in it. 13:25.458 --> 13:29.418 Now, an investment is a deposit that you make 13:29.418 --> 13:32.018 with the hope of a return. 13:32.018 --> 13:33.718 That you make a deposit that's gonna grow 13:33.718 --> 13:37.838 and it's gonna produce a greater return in the future. 13:37.838 --> 13:39.258 Now the key word's future. 13:39.258 --> 13:41.218 It takes time, doesn't it? 13:41.218 --> 13:42.498 An investment does. 13:42.498 --> 13:44.238 Sometimes I'll counsel with a husband 13:44.238 --> 13:46.998 and I'll try to give him some practical advice 13:47.632 --> 13:48.932 to help his marriage. 13:48.932 --> 13:52.092 And I'll sometimes get a message from him the next day. 13:52.092 --> 13:53.752 Say, I tried what you said 13:53.752 --> 13:55.432 and things went really well last night, 13:55.432 --> 13:58.932 but this morning it's like last night never happened. 13:58.932 --> 14:01.232 Patience, my friend. 14:01.232 --> 14:03.512 Your marriage didn't grow cold overnight. 14:03.512 --> 14:05.812 It's probably not gonna be rekindled overnight. 14:06.245 --> 14:09.585 Now, with that said, it doesn't have to take years. 14:09.585 --> 14:12.025 Couples often see returns on their marriage 14:12.025 --> 14:13.825 very, very quickly, because why? 14:13.825 --> 14:15.685 God is a God of miracles, 14:15.685 --> 14:17.745 and God can heal things very quickly, 14:17.745 --> 14:20.605 and sometimes he blesses and he moves very quickly 14:20.605 --> 14:23.345 when hearts are fully surrendered to him. 14:23.345 --> 14:26.285 Now, when we invest in our marriage, 14:26.285 --> 14:28.365 our motives should not be selfish. 14:29.060 --> 14:32.500 Like, I'm going to scratch her back so she scratches mine. 14:32.580 --> 14:33.620 That's a selfish motive. 14:34.320 --> 14:38.680 Your motive for her should be to love her like Jesus loves her, 14:39.100 --> 14:41.020 to serve her like Jesus serves her, 14:41.020 --> 14:44.660 to sacrifice for her like Jesus sacrifices for her. 14:45.243 --> 14:46.543 That's our motivation. 14:47.003 --> 14:50.743 And you're hoping and you're praying for a return on your love investment. 14:51.003 --> 14:55.203 Not a return for you alone, a return for your marriage together, for your team. 14:55.703 --> 14:59.543 You want a blessing to come back, not for you alone, but for both of you. 15:00.463 --> 15:02.703 Now, the other important word here is intentional. 15:04.283 --> 15:05.283 Intentionally invest. 15:06.723 --> 15:09.403 Rekindling companionship when it's been lost. 15:10.252 --> 15:13.652 or intimacy within your marriage, 15:13.652 --> 15:15.092 when it hadn't been around for a long time, 15:15.092 --> 15:18.112 it's not just gonna happen. 15:18.112 --> 15:20.652 Some people's strategy seems to be hope. 15:20.652 --> 15:22.512 You know, I hope our marriage gets better. 15:22.512 --> 15:24.692 Listen, buddy, it ain't gonna get better 15:24.692 --> 15:26.732 by simply hoping it to get better. 15:26.732 --> 15:28.532 It's gonna take work. 15:28.532 --> 15:32.472 Marriage takes an intentional investing. 15:32.472 --> 15:34.732 Now, for the remainder of the message, 15:34.923 --> 15:36.323 I want to get real practical. 15:37.163 --> 15:41.903 I want to give you a handful of ways that you can intentionally invest in your marriage. 15:42.003 --> 15:46.403 Now, this is certainly not an exhaustive list, but I think if you'll do these things, 15:47.123 --> 15:52.563 it will help spark a spark within your marriage that will be rekindled, all right? 15:52.623 --> 15:53.922 First thing is this. 15:53.923 --> 15:56.903 Make a decision to love your spouse. 15:58.723 --> 16:00.843 Decide to love your spouse. 16:02.412 --> 16:08.772 The very concept of love has been so warped in our culture that most people believe that love is simply a feeling. 16:10.310 --> 16:11.410 It's a feeling. 16:11.570 --> 16:15.110 Our world talks about falling in love, falling out of love, 16:15.110 --> 16:16.850 as if we don't have a choice in the matter. 16:17.570 --> 16:22.110 The devil would love for you to think that you're simply an animal with animal instincts 16:22.110 --> 16:27.490 and that your love is simply a matter of biology that is a matter of chemical impulses within your brain. 16:27.750 --> 16:29.330 No, love is a choice. 16:29.890 --> 16:31.109 It's a decision. 16:31.110 --> 16:32.449 It's a commitment. 16:32.450 --> 16:34.470 We are commanded by God to love, aren't we? 16:34.530 --> 16:37.470 That means we get to decide whether we love or not. 16:37.934 --> 16:43.574 Yes, certainly within an ideal world, feelings of love accompany our decisions to love, 16:43.654 --> 16:45.754 but marriage is not built on feelings of love. 16:45.854 --> 16:47.594 Why? Feelings come and go. 16:48.334 --> 16:50.394 When we're emotional, they come and go. 16:51.034 --> 16:55.214 Marriage is built on a decision to love, a commitment to love. 16:55.814 --> 16:57.874 The old saying certainly is true. 16:58.874 --> 17:02.254 Choose your love and then love your choice. 17:03.010 --> 17:04.650 People say, well, but Pastor, you don't understand. 17:04.750 --> 17:06.050 I just don't love him anymore. 17:06.590 --> 17:08.250 I don't love her anymore. 17:08.390 --> 17:10.690 That is such a victim mindset. 17:11.490 --> 17:12.809 I can't help it. 17:12.810 --> 17:14.070 I'm a victim of my love. 17:14.290 --> 17:16.110 My spouse, my kids, my whole family, 17:16.110 --> 17:19.130 we're all victims of my love that I have no control over. 17:19.450 --> 17:21.630 No, that is not the case. 17:21.930 --> 17:24.730 When you said your vows to your mate before God 17:24.730 --> 17:28.090 and those assembled witnesses, you said for better or worse. 17:28.627 --> 17:35.087 In sickness and in health, in poverty as in wealth, you made a commitment to love. 17:36.027 --> 17:42.407 Love is a decision that's made deep within the soul that comes out in our actions. 17:43.147 --> 17:47.447 The way that we talk and treat one another, the way that we act, the way that we react. 17:47.707 --> 17:50.407 So decide to love your spouse. 17:50.687 --> 17:51.947 The second thing is this. 17:52.787 --> 17:57.167 Pursue your spouse with a grateful heart and with grateful words. 17:57.618 --> 18:01.738 Gratitude is wonderful medicine for a cold marriage. 18:03.578 --> 18:10.578 Somewhere along the way, all that our spouse was and is and that they do 18:10.578 --> 18:12.558 and that we love about them becomes routine. 18:13.338 --> 18:16.658 And now it's expected, and we stop appreciating them. 18:16.998 --> 18:20.678 Instead of being grateful for all the things that we like about our spouse, 18:20.758 --> 18:22.818 we focus on all the things that we don't like. 18:23.718 --> 18:24.738 That's ungratefulness. 18:25.782 --> 18:30.162 Let me ask you, for those of you that have kids, how do you feel when your kids are ungrateful and entitled? 18:31.142 --> 18:33.262 If you're like me, it's infuriating. 18:34.442 --> 18:38.422 Well, then don't be an ungrateful and entitled spouse. 18:39.162 --> 18:41.822 I've been that ungrateful, entitled spouse from time to time. 18:41.942 --> 18:43.282 That's not a good thing. 18:44.002 --> 18:45.022 Instead, let's be grateful. 18:45.482 --> 18:49.022 Let's express our gratitude to our spouse with words. 18:49.022 --> 18:50.064 Let's be grateful. 18:50.065 --> 18:53.105 Babe, thank you for all that you do. 18:53.665 --> 18:55.745 Thank you for being such a great provider. 18:56.125 --> 18:57.605 Thank you for that amazing meal. 18:57.885 --> 19:00.125 Thank you for being you. 19:00.765 --> 19:04.945 And if you will do that and be intentional with your words of gratitude, 19:05.505 --> 19:08.945 your heart is going to join all the fun and time, I can tell you. 19:09.505 --> 19:11.484 Now, another point. 19:11.485 --> 19:12.665 Have fun together. 19:13.685 --> 19:15.345 I need an amen for that. 19:15.545 --> 19:17.345 Have some fun together, all right? 19:18.483 --> 19:19.442 That's important. 19:19.443 --> 19:21.603 When you were dating, all you did was fun. 19:21.863 --> 19:25.623 But once you got married and you had kids, life got busy, it got stressful, 19:26.303 --> 19:29.403 and all the fun seemed to get sucked out of your relationship. 19:29.563 --> 19:30.902 Why? 19:30.903 --> 19:31.983 Because you let it. 19:33.683 --> 19:37.263 It stopped being a priority in your relationship. 19:37.263 --> 19:39.683 Guys, when you were dating, it was high priority. 19:39.823 --> 19:41.343 Take your girl out. 19:41.803 --> 19:44.342 Show her a good time. 19:44.343 --> 19:46.803 Some guys, after they get married, they just stop. 19:48.200 --> 19:50.000 You need to keep dating your wife. 19:50.000 --> 19:52.680 Find ways to be playful with her, 19:52.680 --> 19:54.740 to laugh, to have fun together. 19:54.740 --> 19:57.700 Ladies, enter some of the fun that your man enjoys. 19:57.700 --> 19:59.120 He'll appreciate it. 19:59.940 --> 20:04.760 Sad, whenever we go out in public and somewhere 20:04.760 --> 20:08.400 and we see a couple that's laughing and holding hands, 20:08.400 --> 20:11.160 having a good time, we assume they're not married. 20:13.080 --> 20:14.420 They must be dating. 20:14.420 --> 20:17.300 Maybe they're newlyweds like a few days, but 20:20.903 --> 20:27.903 you're laughing because you know it's true don't let that be you 20:28.903 --> 20:32.663 got is given you a companion in line have fun with them 20:32.663 --> 20:35.963 right another tip spend quality time 20:35.963 --> 20:39.843 talking about things that matter in many ways 20:39.843 --> 20:43.823 love is spelled T I am E time 20:43.823 --> 20:48.183 quality time very very important now that word quality 20:48.410 --> 20:49.649 It's an important word. 20:49.650 --> 20:54.310 Sometimes I'll be at a restaurant somewhere and I'll notice a couple in a booth next to us 20:54.310 --> 20:58.450 and they're on their phone the whole time. 20:58.990 --> 21:00.290 I mean, they're just on their phone. 21:00.450 --> 21:03.750 It's like they've never said another word to each other. 21:04.430 --> 21:06.370 That's not quality time. 21:07.210 --> 21:11.110 If you go to a restaurant, agree ahead of time, you're going to put down your phones. 21:11.870 --> 21:13.490 Or better yet, you're going to leave them in the car. 21:14.178 --> 21:18.598 Guess what? People got through life for millennia without phones. 21:18.858 --> 21:19.938 You can survive, okay? 21:21.078 --> 21:25.398 Whenever you're at home, it's not quality time to be on the same couch together, 21:25.538 --> 21:28.398 scrolling on your phones endlessly all evening long. 21:28.758 --> 21:30.418 Put down the phone, go on a walk. 21:31.218 --> 21:32.238 It'll be good for you. 21:32.238 --> 21:35.818 As you talk about life, things that actually matter. 21:36.478 --> 21:38.498 Another point, pray together. 21:39.438 --> 21:41.548 Pray together. 21:41.549 --> 21:53.089 Guys, I'm not sure there's anything that you can do to help you grow closer to your wife emotionally, spiritually, and in time, perhaps even physically. 21:54.189 --> 22:03.329 And for you to grab her by the hand, for you to put your arms around her and you pray for her out loud and thank God for her. 22:04.149 --> 22:06.929 Be specific about what you're thankful for. 22:07.722 --> 22:15.282 Pray a blessing over her for her day, for her life, for God to give her peace, for God to give her strength. 22:16.042 --> 22:18.402 And then ladies, return the favor and pray for your husband. 22:19.162 --> 22:22.322 Now this doesn't just have to be a scheduled time of the day. 22:22.442 --> 22:24.782 It might be. I think it would be wonderful to be that. 22:25.442 --> 22:27.842 But it can also be more spontaneous than that. 22:28.630 --> 22:32.550 Praise God that Kelsey and I no longer get into the big fights 22:33.310 --> 22:40.830 Really that we sometimes did early on in our marriage. I think that's a result of us learning to forgive 22:41.470 --> 22:45.570 more quickly when we've offended one another, but I also think it's a result of 22:47.110 --> 22:49.110 Me just learning 22:49.130 --> 22:55.430 that if we have a tiff with one another that if I will just grab her and put my arms around here and I just 22:55.430 --> 22:56.450 Start praying 22:58.010 --> 22:59.570 God begins to melt both of our hearts. 22:59.750 --> 23:01.009 Because here's what happens. 23:01.010 --> 23:02.930 It puts everything in perspective, doesn't it? 23:03.310 --> 23:05.470 We start talking to the one that we really need, 23:06.390 --> 23:10.650 and we start recognizing, man, I think I've been pretty selfish in this situation. 23:10.890 --> 23:14.690 Or maybe she recognizes an area that she's been selfish in that situation. 23:14.810 --> 23:20.090 It puts it in perspective, and we're inviting Almighty God to come into our problem and to solve it. 23:20.090 --> 23:22.090 Now, occasionally, Kelsey... 23:22.478 --> 23:24.938 will be so upset with me, she doesn't hug me back. 23:25.398 --> 23:26.737 You believe that? 23:26.738 --> 23:30.018 So I'm just like, that's an awkward situation, right? 23:31.798 --> 23:40.098 But as I pray, it's as if I can physically feel the Holy Spirit take the tension out of her body. 23:40.898 --> 23:42.498 Pray with your spouse. 23:42.498 --> 23:44.058 Two more things quickly. 23:45.778 --> 23:48.338 Make sexual intimacy with your spouse a priority. 23:50.677 --> 23:53.377 Now, is it the number one priority of your marriage? 23:54.537 --> 23:55.777 Some guys think it is. 23:55.917 --> 23:56.656 It's not. 23:56.657 --> 23:58.356 It's not number one. 23:58.357 --> 24:01.577 But loving your spouse is the number one priority. 24:01.577 --> 24:05.917 And physical intimacy is an important part of loving your spouse. 24:09.678 --> 24:14.718 I'm going to say something and go somewhere where it's kind of uncomfortable and it's sensitive, 24:15.818 --> 24:19.918 but I've just felt nudged by God that people need help. 24:20.018 --> 24:23.458 We all need help, and so let's talk about some uncomfortable things. 24:24.718 --> 24:30.538 If you're married and you have no desire for sexual intimacy with your spouse, that's a problem. 24:31.378 --> 24:37.218 Now, you need to recognize it's also probably a symptom of other problems. 24:38.264 --> 24:41.244 And so what you need to do is you need to do some soul searching with the Lord. 24:41.404 --> 24:43.004 Invite him into your problem. 24:43.824 --> 24:49.704 And ask him to expose some things that maybe subconsciously are issues that you haven't recognized. 24:50.624 --> 24:51.664 Search your heart. 24:52.439 --> 24:55.779 Perhaps there's some unforgiveness that you're holding on to 24:55.779 --> 25:00.319 and you need help, His help, to help you release it and to forgive. 25:01.019 --> 25:03.759 Maybe there's a past trauma, maybe even sexual trauma, 25:04.139 --> 25:08.299 that you have not healed from and you need to invite God into that trauma 25:08.299 --> 25:10.059 to bring healing into your life. 25:10.579 --> 25:13.199 Maybe you experience a lot of insecurity 25:13.199 --> 25:16.359 because you're constantly comparing yourself with others 25:16.359 --> 25:21.039 and you haven't been able to grow content with the way that God made you. 25:22.983 --> 25:28.643 Perhaps you haven't taken the steps to try to be as healthy as you can be 25:28.643 --> 25:35.543 and to be the best version of taking care of the temple of the Lord that God has given you. 25:36.283 --> 25:41.403 Now, if you're not taking care of yourself, then that's going to cause you not to be 25:41.403 --> 25:46.903 comfortable in your own skin, and that creates problems. Listen, your spouse isn't 25:47.924 --> 25:50.324 They're not expecting you to be different than who you are. 25:50.444 --> 25:51.764 They chose you. 25:52.164 --> 25:53.184 They love you. 25:53.524 --> 25:56.104 But they would love to have a confident you. 25:56.824 --> 25:57.623 All right? 25:57.624 --> 26:00.424 Last point of application is this. 26:01.464 --> 26:07.384 Take advantage of all the ways that our church wants to help you in your marriage. 26:08.478 --> 26:09.478 We're offering to help. 26:09.678 --> 26:10.998 Marriage is really hard. 26:11.118 --> 26:11.877 It really is. 26:11.878 --> 26:13.858 And it's one sinner living with another sinner. 26:13.958 --> 26:14.917 We're trying to get along. 26:14.918 --> 26:15.477 It's hard. 26:15.478 --> 26:17.058 And sometimes we just need a little help. 26:17.198 --> 26:18.678 We need a little boost, right? 26:19.738 --> 26:21.258 Our church is here to help. 26:22.418 --> 26:26.818 If you and your spouse will simply make just a few calendar decisions, 26:27.398 --> 26:31.718 I believe God will use that in life-altering ways. 26:31.838 --> 26:35.838 Number one, just make a decision to come to church every week. 26:37.908 --> 26:40.248 God will use that in amazing ways. 26:40.348 --> 26:41.227 He'll help your marriage. 26:41.228 --> 26:43.348 He'll help it because he'll help you individually. 26:43.888 --> 26:46.748 See, a strong family is built upon a strong marriage. 26:46.868 --> 26:49.128 A strong marriage is built upon strong individuals. 26:49.128 --> 26:52.008 And strong individuals are built upon a strong God. 26:52.668 --> 26:55.588 So first, just decide we're going to make church a priority. 26:56.328 --> 26:58.948 Second, join a life group. 26:59.913 --> 27:02.773 We were not meant to live this Christian life alone. 27:02.933 --> 27:04.253 Life is too hard. 27:04.753 --> 27:07.213 We truly are stronger together. 27:07.633 --> 27:11.633 And in a life group, you're going to meet other couples who are in similar stages of life. 27:11.733 --> 27:13.893 They're going through similar struggles as you are. 27:13.893 --> 27:18.153 You can walk through life with them instead of all alone. 27:18.712 --> 27:23.992 And the third thing is attend one of our marriage-specific ministries. 27:24.952 --> 27:30.172 Pastor Eric's teaching a six-week marriage study on Wednesday nights beginning January 14th. 27:30.232 --> 27:37.252 We have grace marriage sessions coming up in a couple weeks that you're going to hear more about at the end of our service in a video. 27:37.612 --> 27:43.212 We also have marriage mentoring that has helped countless couples in our church and our community. 27:43.212 --> 27:48.012 It's the best marriage ministry I've ever known about. 27:49.508 --> 27:56.608 Now, as we wrap up today, if you follow all of that advice, I think it's probably going to help your marriage. 27:57.628 --> 28:01.188 But there's one thing that will help your marriage more than anything else. 28:02.788 --> 28:09.108 In fact, all my other advice is sort of a waste of your time if you miss this one thing. 28:09.868 --> 28:14.108 And that is, surrender your life to Jesus. 28:17.352 --> 28:23.212 We've got this pent-up energy and effort and failure and guilt, 28:23.212 --> 28:27.172 and we've got to struggle individually as a family. 28:27.592 --> 28:31.832 And what we need is we need to relax in the arms of God 28:31.832 --> 28:37.172 and rest in His grace and invite His presence into our life. 28:37.252 --> 28:40.572 What your marriage needs is much more than behavior modification. 28:41.792 --> 28:45.452 If you could improve your marriage simply by behavior modification, 28:45.672 --> 28:47.012 you already would have. 28:49.988 --> 28:54.228 Your marriage needs most is the hand of God upon it. 28:55.728 --> 29:00.848 You need God to do something for you and for your marriage that you can't do on your own. 29:00.928 --> 29:03.547 You haven't been able to. 29:03.548 --> 29:09.028 Most people that I meet with that are struggling in their marriage, they don't need a few tweaks. 29:09.948 --> 29:11.928 Most of them need a complete overhaul. 29:13.048 --> 29:15.568 And what they need are new hearts. 29:17.056 --> 29:19.876 Because I can give them all kinds of advice and application, 29:20.336 --> 29:23.756 and that might help them for just a little bit, maybe a week. 29:24.156 --> 29:25.656 But eventually the heart services. 29:25.876 --> 29:28.736 Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. 29:29.016 --> 29:33.556 And so what God offers to give you is what you really actually need, a new heart. 29:34.606 --> 29:35.706 His presence in your life. 29:35.926 --> 29:38.006 His love so you have some love to share. 29:38.526 --> 29:40.886 That's what God provides through his son Jesus. 29:41.226 --> 29:44.126 Look at Ezekiel chapter 36, verse 26. 29:44.526 --> 29:48.206 God says, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you. 29:48.506 --> 29:52.246 I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 29:52.626 --> 29:55.766 I'll put my spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes 29:55.766 --> 29:58.366 and you will keep my judgments and do them. 30:01.201 --> 30:07.941 Maybe you've been walking around in life trying to love your spouse with a heart of stone. 30:10.541 --> 30:12.321 People get a heart of stone a lot of different ways. 30:12.401 --> 30:18.381 Certainly sin, but we get calloused by the pain and the hurts and the failures of life. 30:18.481 --> 30:20.360 And we grow cold. 30:20.361 --> 30:22.281 Sometimes it's a protection mechanism. 30:22.661 --> 30:23.741 And we grow hardened. 30:26.699 --> 30:30.779 You can't love your spouse properly from that place. 30:30.919 --> 30:32.038 It's not going to work. 30:32.039 --> 30:34.379 You can't give what you don't have. 30:34.599 --> 30:39.019 You've got to first receive the love of God in such a way that God touches your heart. 30:39.279 --> 30:41.739 He softens it, and now you have something to give. 30:42.659 --> 30:45.939 So I want to invite you today to receive God's touch. 30:47.079 --> 30:52.239 Not outwardly, not physically, but in a deep place of your heart. 30:53.345 --> 30:58.185 And you do that by surrendering your life to Jesus who loves you so very much. 30:58.945 --> 31:04.125 The Bible says, whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. 31:05.205 --> 31:08.745 Could be today that you're in a very, very broken marriage. 31:11.840 --> 31:13.280 And what it needs is a miracle. 31:14.420 --> 31:17.140 I want to invite you to ask God for that miracle. 31:17.780 --> 31:23.120 And to examine your own part that you have to play in that broken marriage. 31:24.800 --> 31:31.980 Could be that this message is finding you, or so it seems, a little bit late. 31:32.880 --> 31:34.140 You're already divorced. 31:35.060 --> 31:36.540 Your home has already been broken. 31:42.800 --> 31:45.719 I want to encourage you today that God sees you exactly where you're at. 31:45.720 --> 31:49.539 He loves you exactly where you're at. 31:49.540 --> 31:51.446 And He has a great plan for you if you'll surrender to Him. 31:51.447 --> 31:52.966 Life is not over. 31:52.967 --> 31:55.086 There's a new chapter. 31:55.087 --> 31:56.606 Yes, God hates divorce. 31:56.607 --> 31:57.666 Yes, it's not his plan. 31:57.667 --> 31:59.626 It's not his ideal. 31:59.627 --> 32:02.906 But he takes our failures. 32:02.907 --> 32:11.366 He takes our hurts and our pains and our brokenness. 32:11.367 --> 32:12.687 And he and he alone has the ability to take that and to weave it into this wonderful, beautiful picture by his grace. 32:11.820 --> 32:19.327 Thank you. 32:19.327 --> 32:22.647 So maybe you need to receive God's healing touch because you've gone through the trauma of a divorce. 32:28.967 --> 32:30.427 You know, the Bible says that marriage is actually a picture of Jesus and his church and his bride. 32:32.147 --> 32:35.826 That's a high standard, isn't it? 32:35.827 --> 32:37.246 That we are to love one another the way Jesus loves us. 32:37.247 --> 32:38.827 That's the standard. 32:44.267 --> 32:46.610 So I think the question for those of us who are married is, what kind of picture are we? 32:48.670 --> 32:50.529 Are people able to look at our lives? 32:50.530 --> 32:55.429 And yeah, obviously it's not perfect. 32:55.430 --> 32:57.529 We're able to look at our general trajectory of our marriage and say, 32:57.530 --> 32:59.830 wow, that looks a lot like the way Jesus loves. 33:00.730 --> 33:02.490 That's beautiful. 33:06.650 --> 33:09.509 Or does this look something very different than that? 33:09.510 --> 33:14.089 If it looks very different than that, 33:14.090 --> 33:15.849 then I want to invite you to do business with God today and ask him to help. 33:15.850 --> 33:17.542 What you need is the help. 33:18.622 --> 33:21.981 that only God can bring. 33:21.982 --> 33:25.341 Maybe you want to come to these steps in a moment and pray. 33:25.342 --> 33:29.401 We're going to stand and we're going to sing a little bit at both campuses, 33:29.402 --> 33:31.261 and these steps will be open for you to just come as a couple, as a family, 33:31.262 --> 33:32.481 and pray for your marriage together. 33:32.482 --> 33:36.201 Pray for your spouse. 33:36.202 --> 33:38.442 Pray for one another out loud at the altar. 33:40.822 --> 33:42.481 Maybe you want to come and have someone pray for you. 33:42.482 --> 33:45.014 We're here to help. 33:47.994 --> 33:51.393 Now maybe God has blessed you with a pretty good marriage. 33:51.394 --> 33:52.533 Maybe you've had some seasons and you've been through some stuff. 33:52.534 --> 33:54.313 You've been through a lot of pain. 33:54.314 --> 33:59.973 Maybe you've been through betrayal. 33:59.974 --> 34:01.993 Maybe you've been through all sorts of financial problems, grief, all of the things, 34:01.994 --> 34:03.714 but God has seen you to the other side. 34:06.134 --> 34:07.964 And now you're walking in a place that... 34:11.364 --> 34:15.223 It's actually a whole lot better than other people are in their marriage. 34:15.224 --> 34:18.703 If that's you, I want to encourage you to not just sit on that alone, 34:18.704 --> 34:21.243 but to help others that, you know, you're further down the road than some others. 34:21.244 --> 34:24.003 They might be in the midst of that crisis themselves, 34:24.004 --> 34:25.503 and they just need someone to walk with them through it. 34:25.504 --> 34:29.723 Give them some hope. 34:29.724 --> 34:30.483 Let them know, hey, yeah, if you take these steps, here's what God can do. 34:30.484 --> 34:32.669 Look at us. 34:36.509 --> 34:40.448 If that's you and you'd like to help, we have a marriage mentor ministry, 34:40.449 --> 34:42.068 and we have more people that need to be mentored than we have mentors. 34:42.069 --> 34:44.588 And we have dozens of mentors. 34:44.589 --> 34:45.798 But we need that to increase. 34:50.638 --> 34:55.917 So if God's touching your heart, it's not that you sign up and we send you to the wolves. 34:55.918 --> 34:59.677 No, we're going to train you, give you some tools in your tool belt of knowing how to help people. 34:59.678 --> 35:01.577 Maybe that's the ministry God's calling you to today. 35:01.578 --> 35:05.377 If that's the case, let us know. 35:05.378 --> 35:06.937 We'd love to connect with you and hear your story and get you trained. 35:06.938 --> 35:12.197 Let's pray. 35:12.198 --> 35:15.059 Father, we thank you so much, Lord, for your amazing grace. 35:18.819 --> 35:19.959 Thank you, Lord, that we love you because you first loved us. 35:24.459 --> 35:27.258 And Lord, that your love is not based on our pursuit of you. 35:27.259 --> 35:28.519 It's based on your pursuit of us. 35:31.859 --> 35:36.638 While we were still sinners, while we were rejecting you, 35:36.639 --> 35:38.618 while we were apathetic, while we were in sin, 35:38.619 --> 35:39.619 Christ died for us. 35:41.659 --> 35:42.717 Thank you, Lord, for taking the first step. 35:44.117 --> 35:45.956 Thank you for initiating. 35:45.957 --> 35:48.257 Thank you for pursuing. 35:49.717 --> 35:51.656 And Lord, thank you for the gift of marriage. 35:51.657 --> 35:54.196 I know that it's hard. 35:54.197 --> 35:55.256 I know oftentimes it's hurtful. 35:55.257 --> 35:56.476 It's irritating. 35:56.477 --> 35:59.316 It can cause anger. 35:59.317 --> 36:04.636 It can cause emotional turmoil. 36:04.637 --> 36:11.101 Sometimes, Lord, the wounds are so deep. 36:14.341 --> 36:16.461 Lord, we need you to touch all those areas. 36:18.921 --> 36:20.441 Would you help those who need you? 36:22.141 --> 36:23.340 Would you speak to their heart? 36:23.341 --> 36:24.900 You know them. 36:24.901 --> 36:28.680 You made them. 36:28.681 --> 36:29.681 You know their whole story better than they even know their story. 36:33.661 --> 36:35.361 Would you speak to them in a way that they recognize, Lord, today? 36:37.781 --> 36:38.962 Touch them in a place that my words can't. 36:44.122 --> 36:46.901 Please, by your spirit, would you bring life to those who need it today? 36:46.902 --> 36:49.582 Please draw us to yourself. 36:52.482 --> 36:54.513 Please do a work, we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. 36:54.514 --> 36:56.333 Thanks for listening today. 36:56.334 --> 36:59.713 We hope you enjoyed this message. 36:59.714 --> 37:02.473 And if you did, we would be so grateful if you left us a review. 37:02.474 --> 37:05.333 Also, go ahead and subscribe to the podcast 37:05.334 --> 37:09.073 if you would like to be notified when a new sermon is released. 37:09.074 --> 37:12.953 If you feel the Lord calling you to take the next step in faith 37:12.954 --> 37:17.031 through salvation, service, or giving, don't wait. 37:17.032 --> 37:20.571 reach out to us by texting podcast to 88988. 37:20.572 --> 37:22.951 That's podcast to 88988 or connect with us 37:22.952 --> 37:26.091 on one of our social media platforms. 37:26.092 --> 37:28.671 You can also visit our website, valleybaptist.org 37:28.672 --> 37:30.871 to find even more great resources. 37:30.872 --> 37:33.591 No matter where you are in your journey, 37:33.592 --> 37:36.571 know that we love you, we're praying for you 37:36.572 --> 37:46.572 and we can't wait to see what God will do in your life.