>> REBECCA WEISS: HEY, GUYS,
WELCOME BACK TO THE PODCAST.
I AM JOINED WITH JOSHUA BROOME,
AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK,
7 LIES THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.
WHAT MY JOURNEY FROM PORN STAR TO PREACHER TAUGHT ME
ABOUT THE TRUTH THAT SETS US FREE.
AND WE'RE GONNA GET INTO YOUR TESTIMONY,
BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING.
BUT THEN WE'RE GONNA TRANSITION,
SO YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO STAY TUNED
BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT
FINDING YOUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST
AND OPERATING IN YOUR GIFTING.
SO I LOVE THAT, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
WE JUST HAD DALE MAST ON.
HE'S A PROPHET, HE WRITES BOOKS.
AND HE SAYS THAT AN EVANGELIST WILL WAR
FOR YOUR SOUL,
HE SAYS, A PROPHET WILL WAR FOR YOUR IDENTITY.
>> YEAH.
>> AND SO WE NEED TO GET PEOPLE SAVED,
BUT THEN WE ALSO NEED TO GET PEOPLE WALKING IN
THE FULLNESS THAT GOD HAS FOR THEM.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> SO THERE'S MORE THAN JUST ONE STEP.
AND IT'S ALL IMPORTANT.
SO, LET'S GET TO YOU.
SO, TELL US ABOUT GROWING UP,
YOUR FAMILY SITUATION, AND WHAT THAT WAS LIKE FOR YOU.
>> SO I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN IN SOUTH CAROLINA,
AND MY MOM WAS 15 WHEN SHE GOT PREGNANT WITH ME,
16 WHEN SHE HAD ME.
AND MY DAD WAS THE SAME AGE.
AND, YOU KNOW, THAT IN ITSELF WAS COMPLICATED,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE WAS NEVER IN MY LIFE.
SO HE LIVED IN THE TOWN,
IT WAS A SMALL TOWN,
SO I WOULD SEE HIM IN THAT TOWN,
BUT I NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
AND AS A KID GROWING UP,
YOU KNOW, WHAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU,
YOU TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THE WAY THAT I DID THAT WAS,
WELL, IF HE'S ACROSS THE STREET
AND HE'S CHOOSING NOT TO BE MY DAD,
THEN MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING WITH ME.
SO I MUST BE THE PROBLEM,
SO MAYBE I CAN BE THE SOLUTION.
AND THEN I JUST TOOK, YOU KNOW,
ALL THE GOD-GIVEN THINGS,
LIKE HOW TO ACHIEVE A PERSONALITY
AND THE ATTENTION TO DETAIL.
AND SOME OF THE THINGS THAT GOD GAVE ME
THAT I STILL OPERATE IN TODAY,
BUT BECAUSE OF SIN AND BECAUSE OF, YOU KNOW,
LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE
THROUGH A BROKEN LENS,
I THOUGHT MAYBE IF I HAD ENOUGH,
BECOME ENOUGH, DO ENOUGH,
MAYBE THEN AND ONLY THEN I WOULD BE ENOUGH.
AND THAT LED TO A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT ULTIMATELY, THERE WERE TWO MOMENTS WHERE
I STARTED MODELING AND ACTING AROUND 12 OR 13,
AND I SAW PORNOGRAPHY
AROUND 12 OR 13.
AND NOT HAVING THE GUIDELINES OR GUARDRAILS,
FROM, YOU KNOW, ANYONE, REALLY,
ABOUT INTIMACY, SEX, RELATIONSHIPS,
I DIDN'T HAVE A BIBLICAL FOUNDATION.
THE WORLD'S GONNA EDUCATE YOU ON WHAT
THE WORLD IS GONNA EDUCATE YOU ON,
REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU KNOW.
SO IF WE'RE NOT PREPARED FOR THE WORLD,
THEN THE WORLD'S GONNA BE OUR TEACHER,
AND WHAT THE WORLD TAUGHT ME WAS,
YOU KNOW, THIS IS SOMETHING YOU'RE
MISSING OUT ON.
THIS IS SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE,
YOU'LL FEEL DIFFERENTLY.
AND SO PARTYING, SEX, ALL THIS STUFF
BECAME A PART OF MY LIFE.
AND THAT LED INTO COLLEGE, ME DOING THAT,
JUST AT A HEIGHTENED, YOU KNOW, TICK
BECAUSE NOW I'M REMOVED FROM THE ACCOUNTABILITY
OF MY MOM AND MY GRANDPARENTS.
>> WAS YOUR MOM AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS
VERY INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE?
>> VERY MUCH SO.
>> WERE THEY TRYING TO TEACH YOU ABOUT GOD AT ALL?
>> MY GRANDPARENTS WERE, BUT --
I'LL SAY IT LIKE, MY MOM WAS SOMEONE THAT TRADITIONALLY,
SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN.
>> CULTURAL?
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,
IF YOU DO NOT INDIVIDUALLY HAVE,
LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL INDEPENDENCE ON THE PERSON
OF JESUS CHRIST, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE
A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD THROUGH JESUS.
AND I WOULD SAY IF I PRESSED HER ON THAT BACK THEN,
SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE POINTED TO HER PARENTS,
NOT HER POSITION LIKE THROUGH CHRIST.
>> YEAH, HER PARENTS' FAITH.
>> YEAH.
SO I WOULD SAY LIKE THERE WAS, YOU KNOW,
THAT MOMENT IN TIME WHERE WE LIVED WITH MY GRANDPARENTS
UNTIL I WAS LIKE SEVEN OR EIGHT.
SO THAT WAS A LARGE PART OF OUR LIFE,
BUT ONCE MY MOM LEFT THERE,
IT WAS, YOU KNOW, EASTER, CHRISTMAS.
IF WE WERE AT OUR GRANDPARENTS,
THEN THAT WAS A PART OF MY LIFE.
BUT OUTSIDE OF THAT, NO.
>> WAS THERE EVER A FATHER FIGURE?
DID YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS,
OR WAS IT JUST YOU AND YOUR MOM?
>> SO MY MOM GOT MARRIED WHEN I WAS --
THAT'S WHY WE LEFT.
MY MOM GOT MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS --
WHEN I WAS ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS OLD.
AND IT WAS A REALLY BAD SITUATION.
HE WAS A HORRIFIC PERSON.
A LOT OF ABUSE, DRUGS, THINGS LIKE THAT.
BUT IT WAS VERY SHORT-LIVED,
ABOUT A FOUR-YEAR PERIOD.
SO OUTSIDE OF THAT, SO SHE LEFT TO BE WITH HIM
AND THEN LEFT THAT RELATIONSHIP.
>> DID YOU GO WITH HER AND HIM?
>> YEAH.
>> SO, I MEAN, FOUR YEARS, THOUGH,
THAT WAS YOUR FORMATIVE YEARS.
>> YEAH.
I MEAN THERE'S --
YEAH.
SO, I MEAN, I THINK BECAUSE THERE'S LIKE
MOMENTS IN TIME
WHERE, LIKE, TRAUMA SOMETIMES LIVES
IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS,
AND THERE WAS A MOMENT WHERE MY MOM WAS BEING ABUSED.
SO THERE WAS A DRESSER PUSHED AGAINST THE WALL.
AND AS LIKE A TEN-YEAR-OLD,
I THOUGHT I WAS STRONG AT THE TIME.
AND I WAS PUSHING AGAINST THE DOOR
WHERE THE DRESSER WAS PUSHED AGAINST THE DOOR,
AND I COULD GET IT CRACKED OPEN JUST ENOUGH
TO SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
BUT THE FEELING OF WEAKNESS,
IN THAT I COULDN'T GET THE DOOR OPEN.
AND IF THERE WAS ANYTHING ABOUT ME THAT I WAS SURE OF,
IT WAS THAT I WAS MY MOTHER'S SON.
LIKE, IF I NEEDED SOMETHING, SHE WAS THERE.
IF I WAS SCARED, SHE WOULD PROTECT ME,
NO MATTER WHAT.
SO I WAS LIKE, YEAH, I AM MY MOTHER'S SON.
THAT'S THE THING I'M MOST PROUD OF.
THAT'S THE THING I'M MOST SURE OF.
BUT WHEN I COULDN'T GET THE DOOR OPEN,
AND I COULDN'T EVEN PROTECT MY OWN MOM
FROM BEING HARMED IN THAT WAY,
IT WAS ALMOST LIKE SATAN SAYING,
SEE, YOU CAN'T EVEN HELP HER.
LIKE, WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?
AND THAT'S SOMETHING THAT MARKED ME
THAT UNTIL I WENT THROUGH COUNSELING,
I HAD SUPPRESSED THAT.
BUT, YEAH, THERE WAS NO --
OTHER THAN COACHES IN SPORTS
WHERE MY BASKETBALL COACH,
COACH B, MY BASKETBALL COACH,
HE WAS SOMEONE WHO CALLED ME OUT AND CALLED ME UP.
BUT THAT WAS LIKE SEASONAL AND HE WASN'T
INVOLVED IN MY LIFE
LIKE, OUTSIDE OF BASKETBALL.
SO NO ONE REALLY TO KIND OF STEP INTO THAT VOID.
>> YEAH.
AND YOU'RE MAKING A REALLY IMPORTANT POINT,
WHICH IS THAT WHEN WE EXPERIENCE PAIN AND TRAUMA,
THE ENEMY COMES IN AND WHISPERS LIES
ABOUT OUR IDENTITY THAT A LOT OF TIMES
WE BELIEVE UNKNOWINGLY.
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE LITTLE
AND WE DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON
AND WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THINGS.
AND SO WHAT YOU'RE POINTING TO IS SO IMPERATIVE
THAT WHEN WE GET SAVED,
THAT WE BEGIN THAT PROCESS OF INNER HEALING
AND UNDOING THE LIES THE ENEMY HAS SPOKEN OVER US
THAT ARE ROOTED IN THAT PAIN.
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, ESSENTIALLY THAT'S WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT.
SO IT'S7 LIES THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE,
BUT IT'S REALLY LIKE, WHAT'S THE BOOK ABOUT?
WELL, THE SYNOPSIS WOULD BE
LIKE ROMANS 12:2,
IN THAT WE'RE EITHER BEING CONFORMED BY THE WORLD
OR BEING TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF OUR MIND.
>> YEAH.
>> MEANING THAT THERE IS A, YOU KNOW,
A RULER OF THIS AGE,
YOU KNOW, SATAN,
THAT WANTS TO WHISPER LIES TO YOU.
BUT HERE'S THE REALITY.
NOT ONLY DO YOU NEED TO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE,
THE LIE NEEDS TO BE DECONSTRUCTED
AND REPLACED WITH TRUTH.
SO THE BOOK IS ABOUT, HEY, THIS IS A LIE
THAT I BELIEVE FROM CULTURE THAT'S POPULAR
AND THIS IS HOW IT INFILTRATED
AND WAS, YOU KNOW, DESTRUCTIVE IN MY LIFE.
BUT ALSO, HERE'S THE TRUTH FROM THE WORD OF GOD
AND HOW IT NOT ONLY DESTROYED THE LIE,
BUT IT BUILT A FOUNDATION THAT WAS WORTH STANDING ON,
AND IT WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.
>> AND WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT IS,
AND IT TOOK ME, REALLY,
30-SOMETHING YEARS OF LIFE TO UNDERSTAND THIS,
IS THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING SOMETHING,
LIKE IN YOUR HEAD LIKE KNOWLEDGE,
AND ACTUALLY KNOWING IT IN YOUR HEART.
AND THAT'S WHERE THE BREAKTHROUGH HAPPENS,
WHERE IT'S NOT JUST, OH, I KNOW GOD LOVES ME,
OR I KNOW LIKE THAT INFORMATION,
BUT DOES YOUR HEART ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT?
>> YEAH. BECAUSE, I MEAN, IT'S EASY TO BELIEVE
AN OVERARCHING TRUTH IN THAT,
LIKE GOD LOVES ALL PEOPLE.
>> MM-HMM.
>> BUT IT'S MORE DIFFICULT TO SAY THAT GOD LOVES ME.
BECAUSE IT'S IN OUR NATURE TO BELIEVE,
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
WHAT ABOUT THIS THING THAT I DID?
THIS THING THAT I SAID?
YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT I DIDN'T DO
THAT I OUGHT TO HAVE DONE?
OR WHY DID I ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME?
AND THEN YOU START TO BLAME GOD FOR THINGS
AND DISQUALIFY YOURSELF FROM THINGS.
AND ALL OF THAT IS FROM SATAN,
IT'S NOT FROM GOD.
>> SO YOU GET INTO MODELING AND ACTING.
>> YEAH.
>> AND YOU START EXCELLING IN THAT.
AND YOU DECIDE TO MOVE TO L.A.
CAN YOU KIND OF TALK ABOUT THAT PROCESS?
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, I'M JUST KIND OF IN A PLACE WHERE
I WAS DOING FASHION WEEK IN MIAMI AND PARIS,
LIKE THINGS LIKE THAT.
>> HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU MOVED TO L.A.?
>> SO I WAS 21 WHEN I MOVED TO --
WHEN I MOVED TO L.A.
>> DID YOU THINK LIKE THAT'S WHERE YOU
WOULD HAVE TO GO
TO REALLY SUCCEED IN THAT FIELD?
>> YEAH. WELL, SO, I HAD AN AGENT THERE THAT WAS --
THAT I WORKED WITH SOMETIMES,
BUT ULTIMATELY THEY WERE LIKE,
IT WOULD BE ADVANTAGEOUS FOR YOU
TO BE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY
OF THE INDUSTRY YOU WANT TO BE IN.
>> WHERE MEDIA IS.
>> YEAH.
WITH MODELING, IT WAS MORE LIKE SEASONAL
OR LIKE THERE WAS THIS FASHION WEEK,
FASHION WEEK HERE OR THERE'S A SHOW COMING HERE.
LIKE COMMERCIAL STUFF, A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
BUT FOR ACTING, IT'S LIKE, OKAY,
IT'S MORE OF A GRIND.
SO IF YOU WANT TO GO ON AUDITIONS
AND YOU WANT TO DO THIS STUFF,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE IN THE THICK OF THINGS
AND I CAN SAY, HEY, THERE'S ACTUALLY AN OPENING
FOR SOMEONE TO READ TOMORROW,
THIS IS GONNA BE BENEFICIAL TO YOU.
SO SHE AGREED TO REPRESENT ME
IF I LIVED IN A CLOSER PROXIMITY.
SO I DECIDED TO MOVE THERE,
WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT MY CAREER WAS GOING
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION,
I HAD SOMEONE OFFERING ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO
REPRESENT ME,
AND SHE WAS GOING TO PLUG ME INTO
LIKE A DREAM OF MINE,
WHICH WAS LIKE BEGINNING TO TRAIN AT THE IMPROV.
SO THAT WAS JUST A HUGE DEAL TO ME.
>> OH, WOW.
>> SO TO DO ALL THAT,
I WAS LIKE, MAN, THIS IS HUGE.
THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME.
AND ALL THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
AND I'M GETTING OPPORTUNITIES
AND, YOU KNOW, LIFE WAS GOOD.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME
TO DO WHAT I DID,
YET THE BROKEN PIECES OF ME,
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND,
LIKE IF YOU DON'T HAVE LIKE --
CRAIG GROESCHEL TALKS ABOUT THE POWER OF PRE-DECISION.
AND IT'S ONE THING TO SAY,
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING TO SAY,
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS
BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY IS DESTRUCTIVE
AND OUT OF ALIGNMENT TO THE PERSON
I'M COMMITTED TO BEING.
AND BECAUSE I'M COMMITTED TO LIVING BY THESE CORE VALUES,
IF IT DOES NOT FURTHER THE VALUES
AND THE MISSION THAT I'M COMMITTED TO,
THEN IT'S A DETERRENT.
SO WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING THAT IS LIKE
KNOWINGLY DESTRUCTIVE
TO SOMETHING I'M COMMITTED TO?
SO IF I DON'T KNOW THAT --
JAY STRINGER HAS THIS BOOK CALLED,UNWANTED,
AND HE'S TALKING ABOUT HABITUAL SIN.
PEOPLE ARE 84 PERCENT LESS LIKELY
TO FALL VICTIM TO HABITUAL SIN
IF THEY CAN ARTICULATE THEIR GOD-GIVEN CALLING.
>> REALLY?
>> LIKE NOT LIKE, WELL, WE'RE ALL CALLED TO
FULFILL THE GREAT COMMISSION.
BUT LIKE, TO LIKE YOU, LIKE WHAT ARE YOU CALLED TO?
AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
>> YEAH.
BUT HAVING LIKE A SENSE OF IDENTITY.
>> REALLY LIKE HAVING AN ARTICULABLE,
LIKE MISSION STATEMENT FOR YOUR LIFE.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S SO POWERFUL.
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE, AGAIN, IF I'M COMMITTED TO THIS,
LIKE, OKAY.
IT'S LIKE, JUST LIKE IF I HAVE A FITNESS GOAL,
IT'S LIKE, OKAY, IF I HAVE A FITNESS GOAL,
WELL, THESE OREOS ARE GONNA BE A DETERRENT
FOR MY GOAL
SO I'M NOT GONNA INGEST SOMETHING
THAT'S GOING TO IMPACT MY OUTPUT.
BUT, YEAH.
SO IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT,
AND I GET THERE --
>> HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE BEFORE YOU GOT APPROACHED?
>> LIKE ALMOST, ALMOST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR.
LIKE ALMOST TWO YEARS.
BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE RIGHT BEFORE I TURNED 23.
I GOT THERE RIGHT AFTER MY 21ST BIRTHDAY.
AND THIS HAPPENED RIGHT BEFORE I TURNED 23.
AND I GET APPROACHED, AND A GROUP OF GIRLS,
IT WAS LIKE A GROUP OF GORGEOUS GIRLS
WALK UP TO ME AND THEY'RE LIKE,
HEY, WOULD YOU EVER BE INTERESTED IN DOING PORN?
I'M LIKE, THIS IS THE MOST WEIRD THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE.
I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.
>> YOU'RE SO YOUNG, TOO.
>> YEAH.
AND I'LL SAY LIKE YOUNG AND I HAD NO CLUE WHO I WAS
OR WHAT I WANTED TO DO.
>> YEAH.
>> AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE
A GOOD REASON TO SAY NO,
YOU'LL SAY YES TO SOMETHING THAT, LIKE,
IF YOU HAD ASKED ME, HEY, IS THIS A BAD IDEA?
YES.
TERRIBLE IDEA.
DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
NO, NOT REALLY.
BUT IT'S LIKE YOU ARE SO IMPRESSIONABLE,
YOU'RE LIVING YOUR LIFE BASED UPON THE OPINIONS
AND REACTION OF OTHER PEOPLE.
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, GOSH,
I FEEL CHOSEN AND SEEN IN THIS MOMENT,
AND LIKE, IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT, YOU KNOW, INTERESTING.
MAYBE I'LL JUST CHECK IT OUT.
AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, IF I GO TO THIS MEETING
WITH THIS AGENT AND HE'S LIKE SOME WEIRD DUDE,
LIKE PICKING LINT OUT OF HIS BELLYBUTTON
AT LIKE A MOTEL, I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE.
BUT I GET THERE AND IT'S AT THIS LIKE GIANT
BUSINESS COMPLEX
ADJACENT TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS IN STUDIO CITY.
AND THERE'S, YOU KNOW, THEY BRING ME INTO
LIKE THE UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE.
AND THERE'S, YOU KNOW, BIMMERS AND BENTLEYS EVERYWHERE.
AND I WALK THROUGH AND IT'S LIKE,
IT'S SO STRANGELY SIMILAR
BECAUSE AS I'M WALKING THROUGH THE HALLWAY,
TO GO TOWARDS HIS OFFICE,
AS I WALK INTO THE AGENCY,
IN THE SAME WAY THAT AT MY MODELING AGENCY,
THERE'S, YOU KNOW, PICTURES OF PEOPLE
WHO MADE COVERS FOR GQ AND MAXIM
AND SPORTS ILLUSTRATED AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
SO IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, BUT IT'S JUST LIKE
PORNOGRAPHY MAGAZINES,
BUT IT'S PEOPLE THAT HE REPRESENTS
THAT WERE ON COVERS.
SO IT'S LIKE ALL THESE MAGAZINES.
AND I'M LIKE, THIS IS WEIRD BUT FAMILIAR.
AND I WALK IN AND I, A RECEPTIONIST TAKES ME
TO HIS OFFICE
AND I SIT THERE AND HE SAID, HEY,
I WANT TO ASK YOU THREE QUESTIONS.
HOW DID YOU GROW UP?
>> INTERESTING.
>> SUPER INTERESTING.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE A GIANT RED FLAG.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT, YOU KNOW, SUPER NAIVE.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE LIKE 22, 23.
>> YEAH.
IT'S LIKE HOW'D YOU GROW UP?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN L.A.?
AND WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH?
AND I WAS LIKE, WELL, GREW UP PRETTY MUCH
JUST ME AND MY MOM.
SO, AGAIN, IT'S LIKE A VALUE PROPOSITION IN THAT
IS THERE INFORMATION THAT I CAN EXTRACT FROM YOU
SO THAT I CAN USE LANGUAGE
TO MANIPULATE YOU TO GET YOU TO DO
WHAT I WANT FOR MY GOOD.
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT THE INDUSTRY IS BUILT ON,
MANIPULATION,
COERCION, FRAUD.
AND SO HE'S LIKE, OKAY.
I'M IN L.A.
IN THIS CREATIVE SPACE
DOING WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE ALREADY DOING,
SO NOTHING REALLY THERE.
AND THIRDLY I SAY,
I GUESS I WANT TO BE FAMOUS.
AND I THINK THAT IN ITSELF IS DANGEROUS.
AND WE LIVE IN A GENERATION THAT,
YOU KNOW, WE LIVE IN THE MOST CONNECTED GENERATION
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME BECAUSE OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT EVIDENCE SAYS WE'RE IN THE MOST DISCONNECTED
GENERATION IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
BECAUSE YOU CAN BE EVERYWHERE
IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
BUT BE INCREDIBLY ALONE.
>> YEAH.
>> SO, I THINK, YOU KNOW, JUST ME SAYING,
I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,
I WASN'T SAYING THAT, WELL,
I WANT TO HAVE A GREAT CAREER
AND UTILIZE GIFTINGS THAT I HAVE
TO TELL STORIES, TO IMPACT PEOPLE.
NO, I'M SAYING, IF I DO ENOUGH,
MAYBE I'LL FEEL IMPORTANT ENOUGH
AND THAT WOULD MITIGATE THE DEFICIT THAT I HAVE
BECAUSE I REALLY FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF.
>> EXACTLY.
I THINK YOU HIT ON SUCH A GOOD POINT
BECAUSE YOU HAD THIS GIFTING IN YOU,
AND THE GIFTING WAS GOOD
AND THAT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD DESIRE
BECAUSE WE SHOULD OPERATE IN OUR GIFTINGS,
BUT THE WANTING TO BE FAMOUS,
AND I'VE NOTICED THIS WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE
WHO GET INTO THE INDUSTRY,
EVEN IN CELEBRITIES, MUSICIANS,
ALL THOSE INDUSTRIES, THE MEDIA INDUSTRIES,
THEY GO IN WANTING FAME
BECAUSE THEY THINK FAME WILL FILL A VOID
THAT THAT INSECURITY, THAT ROUGH UPBRINGING,
YOU KNOW, THESE DIFFERENT STRUGGLES THAT THEY HAVE
AND THEN THEY GET INTO THE INDUSTRY
AND IT DOESN'T DO THAT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S WILD IS,
WHEN YOU BECOME A FOLLOWER OF JESUS,
WE'VE BECOME A CARRIER OF THIS,
WE'RE A RECONCILIATION
AND WE BECOME AN AMBASSADOR FOR CHRIST.
SO EACH AND EVERY PERSON IS A FOLLOWER OF JESUS.
LIKE, WE CARRY A LIGHT TO ILLUMINATE THE SPIRIT.
SO EACH AND EVERY PERSON LIKE IS
CREATED TO BE ATTRACTIONAL,
BUT THE THING IS THAT WE ARE --
WHEN PEOPLE GRAVITATE TOWARDS US,
WE ARE TO POINT PEOPLE TOWARDS CHRIST.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT THAT CAN BE EASILY MISAPPROPRIATED.
>> YEAH.
>> AND POINT TO US OR SOMETHING ELSE.
>> YEAH.
AND YOU HAVE A GOOD POINT.
EVERYONE WANTS SIGNIFICANCE.
AND IT'S LIKE ALL THESE THINGS GOD CREATED US FOR,
IT WAS JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
>> YEAH.
>> SO WAS THE GUY, WAS HE OLD, THE EXEC,
DID HE LOOK SUCCESSFUL?
>> YEAH.
I MEAN HE WAS SITTING THERE LIKE IN,
YOU KNOW, HE WAS AN ENGLISH GUY,
LIKE HE HAD A THREE-PIECE SUIT.
LIKE, BIG FAT, LIKE, DOUBLE WINDSOR TIE.
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE BIG OL' ROLEX ON
AND ALL THIS STUFF.
I BET FOR ME, YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE, HEY,
ALL THIS STUFF.
WHAT'S SO INTERESTING IS HE WAS LIKE,
OKAY, YOU'VE GOT ACTING EXPERIENCE.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE IN THE PORN INDUSTRY,
WE'RE ACTUALLY SHIFTING TO LIKE PARROTING MOVIES
AND THINGS LIKE THAT
AND YOU'LL BE THE LEAD IN THE MOVIES,
AND YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING GUY, SO, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FAME
AND YOU'LL HAVE THIS FAN BASE.
AND YOU'LL MAKE ALL THIS MONEY.
THE SCARIEST THING IS HE DID NOT TELL ONE LIE.
>> OH, WOW.
>> YOU'LL BE FAMOUS.
YOU KNOW, ALL THESE THINGS.
AND ALL THESE THINGS CAME TRUE.
BUT THE PICTURE THAT HE WAS PAINTING,
LIKE, I WOULD SAY EVEN PORNOGRAPHY IN GENERAL,
THE MOST DANGEROUS THING ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY
IS THAT IT WORKS.
IN THAT, IT NUMBS WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL,
>> LIKE A DRUG.
>> YEAH.
IT DISTRACTS YOU FROM WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE.
IT MEDICATES YOU IN A WAY
THAT NUMBS YOU FROM THE PAIN
THAT YOU MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING.
IT WON'T GIVE YOU THE CLOSENESS AND THE INTIMACY
THAT YOUR HEART'S CRAVING,
BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU THIS,
ALMOST A SYNTHETIC REPRESENTATION OF WHAT
YOU MIGHT THINK YOU'RE CRAVING,
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A COUNTERFEIT
AND IT'S REALLY BAD FOR YOU.
>> AND IT WILL NEVER FIX THE PROBLEM.
>> NO.
BECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE CRAVING IS CLOSENESS TO GOD.
LIKE, INTIMACY RIGHTLY UNDERSTOOD
WHEN WE LOOK AT WHAT THE BIBLE'S TALKING ABOUT
IS PROXIMITY TO GOD.
LIKE YOUR HEART CREATES CONNECTION WITH THE CREATOR.
LIKE, THAT'S THE THING YOU'RE LONGING FOR.
BUT WE THINK, WELL, I CAN GET THAT ANY OTHER WAY
BUT DO WHAT GOD SAID TO DO.
AND FOR ME, NUMBER ONE, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT,
BUT ALSO I WAS BEING PRESENTED WITH
A COUNTERFEIT GOSPEL,
IN THAT IF YOU LIVE FOR YOU,
YOU WILL BE HAPPY BECAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE YOU EVERYTHING
THAT YOU THINK YOU WANT.
AND I THINK IN A REALLY WILD WAY TO LOOK AT,
LIKE ROMANS 2:4 TALKS ABOUT GOD'S LOVE,
HIS KINDNESS, HIS PATIENCE,
IT LEADS US INTO REPENTANCE.
I THINK GOD ALLOWED ME TO EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING
THAT I THOUGHT WOULD FIX MY LIFE
SO I WOULD REALIZE IT WOULDN'T.
SO, YOU KNOW, HE PAINTS THIS PICTURE OF ALL THIS STUFF,
BUT I THINK LIKE TO JUST KIND OF STOP AND SAY,
LIKE, IS THE PORN INDUSTRY,
LIKE BUILT ON MANIPULATION AND COERCION?
YES.
BECAUSE AFTER HE SAID I'LL MAKE YOU FAMOUS,
YOU'LL MAKE ALL THIS MONEY.
OKAY, WHAT NAME DO YOU WANT TO GO BY?
BECAUSE IF I CAN GET YOU TO LOOK AT YOURSELF
IN A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF YOUR HUMANITY
OR YOUR IDENTITY,
LIKE YOU WILL DO THINGS IF I CALL YOU THIS,
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO.
>> KIND OF LIKE DISASSOCIATE.
>> YES.
IT'S COMPLETE DISASSOCIATION BECAUSE
YOU'RE BELIEVING
THAT YOU'RE REMOVING YOURSELF
FROM ANY ACCOUNTABILITY OR CONSEQUENCES.
>> LIKE THAT'S NOT ME, THAT'S SO AND SO.
>> YEAH. YEAH.
I MEAN, THE SAME WAY PEOPLE DO THAT ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE ANTAGONIST ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
OR EVEN YOU LOOK AT LIKE NICKNAMES
OF LIKE HOMELESS PEOPLE WILL GO BY A DIFFERENT NAME.
>> AND CELEBRITIES.
THEY HAVE STAGE NAMES.
>> YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE IF I REMOVE ME FROM ME,
THEN IT'S NOT TRULY ME DOING THESE THINGS.
>> DANG, THAT'S CRAZY.
>> BECAUSE WHAT IT DOES,
IT REMOVES YOU FROM THE MOST INTRINSIC PART OF YOU.
>> WHICH WOULD BE YOUR CONSCIENCE.
>> YEAH.
WHICH WOULD BE TELLING YOU DON'T DO THIS.
>> RIGHT.
>> SO THAT INDUSTRY IS VERY INTELLIGENT
IN HOW THEY HAVE A WAY OF KNOWING HOW TO RECRUIT.
BECAUSE YOU HAD A REALLY GOOD POINT,
LIKE YOU NEVER WENT SEEKING THIS OUT.
>> YEAH.
>> THEY HAVE TO BE STRATEGIC IN RECRUITING PEOPLE
AND THEN MANIPULATING PEOPLE
AND KEEPING PEOPLE THERE.
AND I MEAN, WHEN I INTERVIEWED,
I INTERVIEWED ANOTHER PORN STAR, BRITTNI,
AND SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HOW --
I'VE ACTUALLY INTERVIEWED TWO OTHER PEOPLE
WHO HAVE DONE PORN,
AND THEY TALK ABOUT HOW THEY KEEP YOU IN THERE
AND HOW THEY GET YOU TO DO THINGS
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO.
AND IT'S LIKE THIS SLOW,
HOW YOU MOVE FURTHER AND DRIFT
FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY.
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE THE INDUSTRY, SPECIFICALLY TO THE GIRLS --
>> WHICH IS REALLY MESSED UP, BY THE WAY.
>> YEAH.
SUPER MESSED UP.
>> THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT Y'ALL.
>> NO.
WELL, NO, YOU'RE A VALUE PROPOSITION.
ONCE I EXTRACT ALL THE VALUE THAT I CAN OUT OF YOU,
YOU'RE NO LONGER OF VALUE.
AND IT'S LIKE IN THAT INDUSTRY ALSO,
THE GIRLS HAVE A NO LIST.
>> YEAH, SHE TALKED ABOUT THAT.
>> LIKE THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO DO,
BUT THE WAY IT WORKS IS,
YOU KNOW, IT'S, A, I DON'T WANT TO DO X, Y AND Z.
WELL, AND THEN YOU STAY IN THE INDUSTRY FOR A BIT,
AND THEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THAT PERSON DO THAT
AND THEN THEIR AGENT GOES TO A BUNCH OF STUDIOS
AND SAYS, HEY, HOW MUCH TO SEE THIS PERSON DO
THIS ACT THEY'VE NEVER DONE?
OKAY, 50,000?
PERFECT.
AND THEN THEY'LL GO TO, YOU KNOW, THE GIRL
AND SAY, HEY, OUT OF NOWHERE,
THIS STUDIO CAME UP TO ME AND SAID,
THEY'LL GIVE YOU $50,000 IF YOU DO THIS THING.
I KNOW YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.
BUT HERE'S THE THING, I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING
AS MANY REQUESTS AS USUAL FOR YOU,
AND YOUR POPULARITY HAS DROPPED A LITTLE BIT,
BUT ONCE YOU DO THIS THING,
YOU'LL BE POPULAR AGAIN
AND YOU'LL START WORKING A LOT AGAIN.
AND THEN THEY DO IT AND JUST BECOMES
SOMETHING THEY DO.
BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,
LIKE IN THE PORN INDUSTRY,
YOUR NO DOESN'T MEAN NO, IT MEANS HOW MUCH?
>> YEAH.
AND IT'S GIVING YOU THAT FALSE SENSE OF LIKE RESPECT,
OH, YOU CAN MAKE A NO LIST
AND WE WON'T ASK YOU,
BUT REALLY THEY'RE LIKE, OKAY,
THIS IS WHAT WE'VE GOT TO ASK THEM DOWN THE LINE.
>> YEAH.
AND EVEN DEEPER AND DARKER THAN THAT,
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TOLD,
BECAUSE LIKE, THE GIRLS THEY WILL GET,
ESSENTIALLY THEY'LL GET LIKE RAPED AND ABUSED ON SET
BY DIRECTORS AND IT'S CRAZY.
>> IT'S A CRAZY INDUSTRY.
>> IT IS.
IT'S SAD AND BROKEN AND IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM,
IS IT A LEGITIMATE INDUSTRY.
>> OR ETHICAL.
>> YEAH.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ETHICAL PORN, NUMBER ONE.
>> EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY TO SAY THAT THERE IS.
>> YEAH, IT'S INSANE.
BECAUSE IF IT'S ETHICAL, THEN WHY IS THE AVERAGE
AGE EXPECTANCY
OF A PERSON IN THE PORN INDUSTRY 33,
AND WHY IS THERE AN ASTRONOMICAL
YOU KNOW, 45 PEOPLE, 45 PEOPLE WHO I WAS
IN THE INDUSTRY WITH
THAT I KNOW PERSONALLY, HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE
OR DIED OF OVERDOSE.
NOW, I WANT TO PAINT A PICTURE,
IT'S LIKE WHEN I SAY PORN INDUSTRY,
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT LIKE ONLY FANS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PORN INDUSTRY.
SO THINK ABOUT A HIGH SCHOOL
WITH A THOUSAND PEOPLE
AND 45 PEOPLE THAT WERE IN YOUR GRADUATING CLASS
COMMITTED SUICIDE.
THINK ABOUT THE POWER OF THAT.
THINK ABOUT THE WEIGHT OF THAT.
>> THAT WOULD BE STUDIED, LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
>> YEAH.
>> AND THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.
>> BUT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING
TO THAT INDUSTRY.
>> RIGHT.
>> YEAH.
>> I MEAN, IT'S A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.
IT MAKES MORE MONEY THAN THE NBA,
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL,
AND THE NFL ALL COMBINED.
>> I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE INDUSTRIES
THAT MAKE THE MOST MONEY
THAT ARE THE MOST UNETHICAL
AND NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT,
LIKE HOW POWERFUL THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH MONEY THEY HAVE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE GENERATING THAT MUCH INCOME,
A, YOU'RE GONNA DO ANYTHING TO KEEP IT GOING.
AND, B, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO AVOID
A LOT OF TIMES, SCRUTINY.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE FINANCIAL MEANS TO DO,
EVEN LIKE LEGAL,
LIKE LITIGATION.
BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT LAST POINT
AROUND THAT, THAT KNOW, BECAUSE IN THE INDUSTRY,
LIKE THE GIRLS, IT'S LIKE THEIR AGENT WILL TELL THEM,
DON'T BE DIFFICULT ON SET
BECAUSE THEY WON'T WANT TO HIRE YOU ANYMORE.
SO THERE'S THIS BELIEF OF,
THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY YES TO --
BECAUSE, AGAIN, THE CONSTANT ANTAGONISTIC COMMENTS
OF LIKE, ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?
OF COURSE NOT.
OR IT'S IN THE INDUSTRY,
OR WHO ARE YOU GONNA MARRY?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA PUT ON YOUR RESUME?
>> YEAH, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?
WHERE ARE YOU GONNA WORK AFTER THIS?
>> YEAH.
IT'S THIS CONSTANTLY --
IT'S THIS CONSTANT BELITTLING
AND IT STOPS BEING,
THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU DO,
THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.
SO THAT'S WHY LIKE, YOU KNOW,
OUT OF THE 45 PEOPLE WHO COMMITTED SUICIDE
OR DIED OF OVERDOSE,
MANY OF THEM TRIED TO LEAVE THE INDUSTRY
AND TRIED TO BUILD A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE INDUSTRY.
BUT THE WORLD WOULD GO UP TO THEM AND SAY,
HEY, YOU SEE ON MY PHONE,
YOU SAY THAT YOUR NAME'S THIS,
AND YOU'RE TRYING TO --
MY FRIEND CAGNEY, SHE GREW UP AS A LITTLE GIRL
LOVING DANCE.
DANCE WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF HER LIFE.
IT WAS LIKE HER AND HER MOM,
THEY CONNECTED IN THAT WAY.
SHE LOVED IT.
SHE'S LIKE I GOT THE FINANCIAL MEANS TO DO SO.
MAN, I LOVE DANCE SO MUCH.
I'M GOING TO OPEN A DANCE STUDIO AND HIRE REALLY GOOD
DANCE TEACHERS AND SHE'S NOT TEACHING IT.
SHE'S JUST LIKE, I JUST WANT TO CREATE A SPACE
FOR LITTLE GIRLS TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS.
AND SHE OPENS UP A DANCE STUDIO IN OHIO
AND IT'S GOING WELL, BUT THEN ONE PERSON FINDS OUT
WHO OWNS IT AND WHO'S BEHIND IT,
AND THEY START SENDING PHOTOS TO ALL THE PARENTS,
AND PHOTOS TO THE WEBSITE BECAUSE THEY CONTINUE
SAYING LIKE I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
LIKE, THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.
LIKE, SEE MY PHONE, SEE THIS PORN THAT'S STILL --
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE FROM TWO OR THREE YEARS AGO.
FIVE YEARS AGO,
TEN YEARS AGO.
THIS IS WHO YOU ARE.
>> I KNOW. IT KIND OF CAN HAUNT YOU
BECAUSE THE INTERNET --
>> AND THEN --
>> NEVER GOES AWAY.
>> AND SO SHE POSTED A PICTURE OF HERSELF
ON THE BEACH SAYING THIS IS, YOU KNOW, THIS IS HAPPINESS.
AND THEN LESS THAN A DAY AFTER THAT
SHE HUNG HERSELF.
AND THAT IS THE STORY OF MANY OF THOSE PEOPLE
BECAUSE LIKE HAPPINESS CANNOT BE FOUND.
BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, LIKE PEACE AND FORGIVENESS
AND ALL OF THAT, IT CAN ONLY BE FOUND
IN CHRIST AND IF THEY DON'T FIND CHRIST,
THEN THEY TRULY ARE HOPELESS.
>> AND THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW, THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO BE --
HE'S UNDERSTANDING.
HE'S FORGIVING.
HE'S ACCEPTING.
HE'S LOVING.
BUT THE WORLD IS NOT.
>> YEAH, I WOULD SAY AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE SHARING
MY TESTIMONY WITH SO MUCH TRANSPARENCY BECAUSE
AT THE END AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU EITHER ARE OWNED BY YOUR PAST OR YOU OWN IT.
AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,
OH, IT MUST BE REALLY DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO
TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
IT'S LIKE NOT FOR ME, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THIS IS
WHAT A FREE PERSON SOUNDS LIKE.
>> NO, AND I THINK IF YOU REALLY ARE FREE,
IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.
>> RIGHT.
>> BECAUSE I MEAN,
THAT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE YOU WERE --
IT'S LIKE WHEN WE RECEIVE JESUS AND IT TALKS ABOUT
IT'S LIKE YOU WERE BURIED WITH HIM.
THAT'S WHAT BAPTISM REPRESENTS.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD YOU DIES.
YOU COME OUT OF THAT WATER,
YOU'RE NOW REUNITED WITH HIM.
YEAH.
AND YOU'RE A NEW CREATION.
SO BY THE WORD OF GOD, AND HIS WORD IS TRUE,
YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.
THAT PERSON DIED.
>> YEAH.
>> SO --
>> BUT, YEAH, I THINK LIKE GOING BACK
TO THAT MOMENT OF HIM,
YOU KNOW, PRESENTING THIS,
HEY, IF YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF,
YOU KNOW, YOU'LL HAVE SUCCESS.
YOU'LL MAKE MONEY.
AND THEN I GO AND DO THAT AND THEN
IT BLOWS UP MY LIFE.
>> YEAH.
THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT POINT.
YOU DO ONE FILM,
AND YOU GET LIKE A MEASLY $500 AND YOU'RE LIKE
THIS IS AWFUL.
BUT THEN IT RUINS EVERYTHING
JUST DOING IT ONE TIME.
>> YEAH, JUST ONE TIME.
BECAUSE I MEAN ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU DON'T COUNT THE COST,
IT'S GOING TO COST YOU
MORE THAN YOU'RE WILLING TO PAY.
>> YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
AND YOU DIDN'T -- YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING
TO DO ALL THAT.
>> NO, I MEAN, I WAS COMPLETELY NAIVE TO THINK,
I MEAN, BECAUSE THIS IS 2006.
AND LIKE YOU KNOW THE SOCIAL MEDIA OR THE INTERNET
DID NOT FUNCTION THE WAY THAT IT DOES NOW.
AND IT'S LIKE I THOUGHT LIKE, OKAY,
I'LL DO THIS AND IF IT'S TERRIBLE.
I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
BUT IT WAS FOR A REALLY BIG
YOU KNOW, COMPANY AND THERE WAS REALLY FAST TURNAROUND
ON THE STUFF THAT THEY SHOOT.
SO I SHOOT IT ON THURSDAY,
IT'S UP ON MONDAY AND I'VE GOT A FRATERNITY BROTHER
CALLING ME ON TUESDAY AND THEN ANOTHER PERSON
AND ANOTHER PERSON AND ANOTHER PERSON.
>> THAT'S SO FAST.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THEN YOUR AGENT DROPS YOU LIKE A HOT POTATO.
>> YEAH.
>> AND SO YOU'RE LIKE, OH, NO.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?
BECAUSE YOU WERE RELYING ON THAT FOR WORK.
>> YEAH. AND I WOULD SAY, BECAUSE THE REALITY IS
I WAS 22 AND I WAS SMART LIKE --
LIKE, WOULD THAT HAVE IMPACTED MY LIFE IN THAT WAY,
BUT LIKE COULD I HAVE DONE SOMETHING ELSE?
CERTAINLY.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO --
I DIDN'T HAVE TO CONTINUE DOING PORN,
BUT AGAIN LIKE BACK TO LIKE
IF YOU BELIEVE A LIE TO BE TRUE,
IT WILL BE TRUE TO YOU.
AND YOU WILL CREATE A WORLDVIEW IN WHICH
YOU SEE YOURSELF AND THE WORLD THROUGH THAT.
AND I BELIEVED, MAN,
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN NOW DO
BECAUSE I'M DISQUALIFIED FROM EVERYTHING.
>> OH, I KNOW WHAT, BECAUSE THEY ALL WERE LIKE,
OH, WE'VE SEEN YOU IN THIS AND IT WAS
LIKE DISAPPOINTING.
AND SO THEN YOU PUT THAT LABEL -- THAT HAPPENS TO
SO MANY PEOPLE WHERE THEY GET LABELED BY OTHERS.
AND THEN THEY JUST WEAR THAT LABEL AND THEY LIVE
OUT OF THAT LABEL.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> SO YOU FEEL LIKE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, I WAS LIKE,
WELL, I CAN'T -- IF I CAN'T ACT AND MODEL ANYMORE,
WELL, THIS IS, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S A COUNTERFEIT VERSION OF WHAT I WANT TO DO,
I GUESS IT'S AS CLOSE AS I CAN GET.
AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO?
AND THEN I THINK, JUST KIND OF MY PERSONALITY,
WHERE IT'S LIKE IF I'M EATING CHICKEN WINGS
OR LIKE, YOU KNOW, PLAYING BASKETBALL,
IT'S LIKE I'M GOING TO WIN AND, YOU KNOW.
>> I'M GONNA DO IT THE BEST.
>> YEAH. HOW MANY AM I GOING TO DO?
WELL, ONE MORE THAN YOU, YOU KNOW.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THAT'S JUST KIND OF MY PERSONALITY,
WHICH CAN BE A GOOD THING.
>> YOU ACHIEVE.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU SET GOALS AND THEN YOU HIT THEM.
YEAH.
>> YEAH.
BUT IN THAT I WAS LIKE,
WELL, I CAN BECOME RICH.
I CAN BECOME FAMOUS AND MAYBE I'LL BECOME
RICH AND FAMOUS NOT DOING SOMETHING THAT I INTENDED
TO SEEK OUT DOING,
BUT I'LL BE RICH AND FAMOUS NONETHELESS.
AND IF I HAVE -- IF I'M RICH AND IF I'M FAMOUS,
THEN THAT WOULD FIX ALL MY PROBLEMS, RIGHT?
AND THEN I GO ON TO BECOME RICH AND FAMOUS,
AND IT DOESN'T FIX ANYTHING,
BUT IT AMPLIFIES EVERYTHING.
>> HOW LONG IN THE INDUSTRY BEFORE YOU
STARTED TO FEEL LIKE YOU WERE HITTING THE GOALS
THAT YOU WANTED, BUT IT WAS NOT FULFILLING YOU?
>> PRETTY MUCH RIGHT AWAY.
>> OH, NO.
>> I KNOW. WHICH IS BAD FOR --
I'LL SAY AGAIN,
I THINK LIKE SATAN IS VERY STRATEGIC
IN WHAT HE OPENS UP DOORS FOR PEOPLE TO WALK THROUGH,
IN THAT, YOU KNOW, FOR ME,
YOU KNOW MY PERSONALITY AND MY WORK ETHIC
AND ALL THESE THINGS,
THEY WORKED IN MY ADVANTAGE,
BUT NOT IN THE WAY THAT CERTAINLY GOD
WANTED THEM TO WORK, AND, YOU KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, RIGHT AWAY
I WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL.
GOT, YOU KNOW, LIKE --
THERE'S LIKE BEST LIKE NEWCOMER OR WHATEVER,
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR.
AND I GOT NOMINATED FOR THAT
AND HAD A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES,
BUT HAD SUCCESS RIGHT AWAY.
AND WAS LIKE -- I THINK THAT ONE
OF THE TOUGH THINGS WAS LIKE DATING IN THAT INDUSTRY.
AND THAT LIKE I WAS A REALLY BROKEN KID
AS A CHILD.
SO GROWING UP WITH A SINGLE MOM,
I WAS, YOU KNOW, VERY PROTECTIVE OF MY MOM
AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, JEALOUS, YOU KNOW.
SO I'M LIKE DON'T TALK TO MY MOM, YOU KNOW.
SO THAT PERSONALITY, IT PLAYED OUT
IN MY RELATIONSHIPS.
SO IT'S LIKE BECAUSE A LOT OF THE PAIN AND THE TRAUMA
THAT COMES FROM THE PORN INDUSTRY IS THROUGH
LIKE ACTUAL TRAUMA THAT YOU EXPERIENCE,
BUT THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA
HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE SUPPRESSION OF REALITY.
AND WHEN YOU SUPPRESS REALITY, CHAOS ENSUES.
>> REALLY.
>> AND WHAT I MEAN BY THAT IS THAT I WAS DATING
PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY AND THERE WAS A TIME WHERE
WE'RE AT, YOU KNOW, MASTRO'S IN BEVERLY HILLS
AND WE'RE SITTING AT, YOU KNOW, A NICE DINNER,
BUT I'M, OF COURSE, FRIENDS WITH OTHER PEOPLE
WHO ARE IN THE INDUSTRY BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA
YOU KNOW, UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF YOUR LIFE.
BUT I'M SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL I'M DATING
AND HE'S ACROSS THE TABLE WITH THE GIRL HE'S DATING.
AND I HAD HAD SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT DAY
AND HE HAD HAD SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND
EARLIER THAT WEEK.
AND WE WERE BOTH SAYING OUT LOUD
THAT WE'RE IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP,
BUT THAT'S JUST WORK.
SO LIKE FEELING THAT, BUT SUPPRESSING IT
WHERE IT'S LIKE I CAN'T FEEL THAT,
I CAN'T SAY THAT AND LIKE --
I'M SURE THAT YOU KNOW IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
WHERE SOMEONE WILL SAY TO ME,
IT'S LIKE I SEE THIS --
I SAW THIS VIDEO OF YOU ON YOUTUBE OR WHATEVER.
IT'S LIKE YOU LOVE YOUR JOB.
YOU SAID YOU LOVE YOUR JOB.
WELL, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?
>> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE EITHER, I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA BE
A WALKING, BREATHING HYPOCRITE.
IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE NOT GONNA WANT TO HIRE YOU
IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY I HATE MY JOB.
THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS, BUT YET I DO IT ANYWAY.
NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY I LOVE MY JOB.
I'M IN THIS MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP
OR WHATEVER IT IS.
YOU TRY TO LIE TO YOURSELF TO SUPPRESS REALITY
SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL SOMEWHAT NORMAL.
BUT THEN YOU LAY YOUR HEAD DOWN ON THE PILLOW
AND YOU'RE THINKING LIKE, MAN, I HATE MY LIFE.
I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING ELSE.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME FEELING TRAPPED
IN THE LIFE THAT YOU'VE BUILT
AND FEELING LIKE YOU'VE GONE SO FAR
AND DONE SO MUCH THAT
THERE IS NO GOING BACK.
SO I CAN ONLY EITHER DOUBLE-DOWN OR DIE.
LIKE, THAT IS THE ONLY PATH FORWARD.
BUT, YOU KNOW, AFTER THAT WENT ON FOR SO LONG,
I WAS JUST LIKE I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
AND THEN I TRIED MULTIPLE TIMES
TO TAKE MY LIFE.
AND THERE WAS JUST THIS DAY WHERE I NEEDED
YOU KNOW, KIND OF THE NUDGE FROM A STRANGER.
AND I WALKED INTO A BANK AND I HANDED HER A CHECK
AND ON THE MEMO OF THE CHECK
IT SAID SOMETHING GROTESQUE THAT I HAD DONE
THAT I'VE BEEN PAID FOR.
IT WAS CLEAR THAT WHAT I WAS BEING PAID TO DO IS PORNOGRAPHY.
AND I WANTED HER TO LOOK ME IN THE FACE
AND AT LEAST SHAKE HER HEAD OR SAY SOMETHING.
AND SHE INSTEAD CAME AROUND THE COUNTER,
PUT HER HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND SAID, JOSHUA,
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
BECAUSE YOU SAW -- WHEN SHE DIDN'T
REACT THE WAY THAT I WANTED HER TO,
I JUST STARTED TO WEEP.
BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE, NOW WHAT?
AND I FELT --
IT'S ALMOST LIKE IT LIKE WOKE ME UP
WHEN SHE SAID MY NAME
BECAUSE I HADN'T HEARD MY NAME, NUMBER ONE,
IN OVER A YEAR.
AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST ALLOWED THE IDENTITY
THAT I OPERATED IN IN THAT INDUSTRY TO BECOME WHO I WAS.
BECAUSE JOSHUA HAD NO VALUE AND I DISCONNECTED
MYSELF FROM MY MOM, MY BROTHER, ANY, LIKE, FRIENDS
THAT WERE LIKE --
BECAUSE IF YOU WEREN'T PATTING ME ON MY BACK
AND YOU WERE SAYING, HEY, DUDE.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS INDUSTRY.
YOU NEED TO STOP DOING THIS.
I REALLY BELIEVED THAT I COULDN'T AND BECAUSE
I DIDN'T BELIEVE I COULD CHANGE,
I THOUGHT THE ONLY WAY THAT MADE SENSE WAS FOR ME
TO CUT OFF THE CONNECTION TO THAT PERSON.
AND IN A WEIRD WAY,
I THOUGHT THAT I WAS DOING THEM A FAVOR,
WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, CERTAINLY NOT TRUE.
BUT JUST HER SAYING MY NAME AND JUST KIND OF LIKE
WOKE ME UP TO WHAT I'D BECOME NUMB TO.
AND I FELT THE REALITY OF LIKE, GOSH,
LIKE, THERE HAVE BEEN PEOPLE LIKE IN MY HOME
THAT HAVE DIED, AND MY MOM DOESN'T SIMPLY KNOW
IF I'M OKAY.
AND I WAS ROBBING HER FROM THAT.
HOW SELFISH OF ME.
SO I CALL HER AND SHE CHEWED ME OUT.
AND SHE WAS HURT, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE CHEWED ME OUT.
AND WHEN SHE GOT OUT WHAT SHE HAD TO
GET OFF HER CHEST, SHE WAS LIKE,
HEY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY SON.
BUT JOSHUA LUKE,
YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
PLEASE COME HOME.
SO I DID.
BUT WHAT I BROUGHT WITH ME WAS ALL THAT JUNK, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN I JUST TRIED TO BUILD ANOTHER KINGDOM
FOR MYSELF.
I STARTED WORKING IN THE HEALTH AND FITNESS INDUSTRY,
BECAME VERY SUCCESSFUL IN THAT INDUSTRY.
YOU KNOW, BECAME POPULAR AND MADE MONEY AND LIKE
ALL THE STUFF, DID IT ALL AGAIN.
>> SO IT'S LIKE STARTING THE CYCLE
ALL OVER AGAIN OF SUCCESS.
>> YEAH.
AND THEN I MEET THIS GIRL AND ASKED HER OUT
A BUNCH OF TIMES AND SHE SAYS NO A BUNCH OF TIMES.
>> AND SHE WORKED OUT AT YOUR GYM, RIGHT?
>> YEAH. YEAH.
AND SHE WAS THE BEST ATHLETE.
BUT SHE WAS, BUT SHE DIDN'T --
SHE NEVER LIKE HUNG OUT.
YOU KNOW, SHE DIDN'T.
AND I WAS JUST INTRIGUED BY HER.
AND, YOU KNOW,
AND THEN I HADN'T BEEN REJECTED A LOT.
AND THEN WHEN SHE REJECTED ME, IT JUST KIND OF LIKE
FUELLED THAT INTEREST.
>> YEAH, IT PIQUED YOUR INTEREST.
YOU'RE LIKE, OKAY, A CHALLENGE.
>> YEAH. AND THEN SHE FINALLY WAS JUST LIKE,
HEY, I GO FOR A LONG RUN EVERY SUNDAY
BEFORE I GO TO CHURCH.
YOU CAN MEET ME, YOU KNOW,
EARLY SUNDAY MORNING IF YOU WANT.
I'M JUST LIKE, WHATEVER.
I'LL TAKE WHATEVER I GET.
>> YEAH.
>> AND I MEET HER AND I GET THERE EARLY AND I'M KIND OF
JUST THINKING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY
AND THEN I START THINKING LIKE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
SHE WASN'T THERE.
I BET SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY BACKGROUND.
SHE DEFINITELY DOESN'T KNOW MY STORY.
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SHOWED UP IF SHE KNEW.
MAN, I'M GOING TO TELL HER AND SHE'S GOING TO LEAVE
AND THAT'S GOING TO SUCK, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE
BETTER THAN ME LIKE TRYING TO HANG OUT WITH HER
AND THEN HER FINDING OUT,
AND THEN IT BLOWING UP IN MY FACE.
>> YEAH, LIKE YOU CATCHING FEELINGS FOR HER.
YEAH, AND THEN HER REJECTING YOU.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE SELF-SABOTAGING
TO PROTECT YOURSELF, WHICH MANY PEOPLE DO.
>> AND I WOULD SAY THAT WAS, THAT WAS A
REOCCURRING BEHAVIOR IN MY LIFE
WITH FRIENDSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.
AND, I MEAN, I CAN DO A WHOLE PODCAST ON THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE LIKE WHEN CHAOS IS YOUR COMFORT,
THAT'S WHERE YOU GRAVITATE TO.
BUT WE'LL PREACH ON THAT ANOTHER TIME.
>> 'CAUSE IT'S FAMILIAR.
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE LIKE -- BECAUSE THAT'S THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF LIKE, HOW DO I LIKE --
HOW DO I GET RID OF A BAD BEHAVIOR
OR A BAD HABIT IN MY LIFE?
WELL, I CAN'T JUST REMOVE IT.
I'VE GOT TO REPLACE IT WITH
A DIFFERENT CONSISTENT BEHAVIOR
THAT'S ACTUALLY LIFE-GIVING AND GOD-HONORING.
BUT, YEAH, SO I'M THERE AND I'M JUST LIKE
I GOTTA TELL HER.
AND THEN I'M JUST KIND OF LIKE, HEY --
>> I JUST COULD NOT IMAGINE.
>> IT WAS ALMOST LIKE RIPPING OFF A BAND-AID.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> WELL, BECAUSE I HAD NOT BEEN FORTHCOMING
WITH THIS INFORMATION.
IT JUST LIKE -- I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S LIKE
VERY ACCESSIBLE TO ANYONE THAT WOULD GOOGLE MY NAME,
BUT IT'S LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE
UNTIL THEY FIND OUT THEMSELVES.
THEN I WILL DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES ON THE
OTHER END OF THAT.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE FORTHCOMING.
BUT WITH HER, I'M JUST LIKE, MAN,
I ALMOST FELT LIKE I HEARD MY MOM IN MY HEAD LIKE,
DON'T YOU HURT THAT GIRL.
DON'T YOU DARE HURT THAT GIRL.
AND I WAS JUST LIKE,
HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M THIS KID THAT, YOU KNOW,
DADDY DIDN'T WANT
AND I GREW UP THAT WAY AND IT CAUSED ME
TO DO A LOT OF DUMB STUFF.
AND PART OF THE DUMB STUFF THAT I DID,
I WAS DOING PORN.
AND I DID A LOT OF IT AND IT'S ALL OVER THE INTERNET,
AND IT'LL PROBABLY ALWAYS BE THERE.
AND THIS IS WHO I AM.
AND SHE WAS JUST LIKE, YEAH.
WHAT? YOU KNOW, LIKE SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BUT SHE SAID EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,
WITH HER FACIAL EXPRESSION.
AND THEN WE JUST KIND OF LIKE WALKED.
>> BUT SHE DID NOT RUN AWAY.
>> SHE DIDN'T RUN AWAY.
>> SHE COULD'VE BEEN LIKE, OKAY, BYE.
>> AND KNOWING HER,
SHE WAS JUST LIKE THIS WAS AN ACT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.
SHE'S LIKE -- AND IF YOU HAVE ASKED ME LIKE OUT OF
THAT SITUATION WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE?
LIKE, I WOULD GO TO MY CAR.
>> SHE SEEMS LIKE A NO NONSENSE KIND OF PERSON.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> NOT AT ALL LIKE, VERY BLACK AND WHITE.
>> BUT SHE STAYED.
>> SHE STAYED AND SHE JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,
SHE WAS INTERNALIZING, LETTING IT MARINATE.
AND THEN SHE JUST KIND OF STOPPED AND SHE WAS LIKE,
HEY, I DON'T WANT TO,
YOU KNOW, MAKE SMALL OF WHAT YOU SHARED WITH ME.
I'M SURE LIKE THAT WITH YOUR DAD, SUPER PAINFUL,
AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT THE DECISIONS YOU MADE,
THEY DON'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
BUT WHAT I AM SAYING IS YOU'RE NOT DEFINED
BY THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE,
AND YOU WON'T BE DEFINED BY THE GREATEST THING
YOU EVER ACCOMPLISH.
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE AUTHOR OF YOU,
GOD IS.
DO YOU KNOW HIM?
AND I WAS TEMPTED TO SAY
YES, BECAUSE I, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THIS IS ANOTHER PODCAST THAT WE CAN DO.
BUT, I LIVE MY LIFE LIKE WITH THIS FIRST DATE MASK
IN THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM,
SO WHAT I'M GOING TO TRY TO PORTRAY MYSELF TO BE --
>> IS WHO YOU THINK --
>> YEAH, I WANT TO BE WHOEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE.
>> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE YOU'LL LIKE THAT PERSON
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER.
>> YEAH.
>> SO I'M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE WHOEVER
I THINK YOU WANT ME TO BE SO THAT YOU LIKE ME.
SO I WAS TEMPTED TO SAY YES,
BUT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I COULDN'T
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.
AND SHE WAS LIKE, WELL, I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING JESUS,
SINCE I WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE
AND I'M NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS,
BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM IS THE FOUNDATION
FROM WHICH I LIVE MY LIFE.
SO WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU LIKE?
I'M LIKE, WHAT?
SHE'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S YOUR FAMILY LIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT DO YOU --
YOU KNOW, WE JUST STARTED TO WALK AND TALK,
AND I'M JUST LIKE IN MY HEAD,
I'M LIKE, THIS GIRL'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW, BUT I'M INTO IT, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE, WOW.
AND THEN I'M -- THEN I BEGAN TO THINK LIKE,
IT'S ALMOST LIKE I CAN'T EVEN HEAR WHAT SHE'S SAYING
BECAUSE LIKE IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE,
WHAT IF SHE'S RIGHT?
>> OH, WOW.
>> YOU NEVER REALLY HEARD THAT BEFORE.
>> WELL, I MEAN, BECAUSE WHAT SHE -- SHE CONFRONTED
THE WORLDVIEW IN WHICH I HAD.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT 100%
MY IDENTITY WAS BASED UPON WHO I DIDN'T HAVE
AND WHAT I DID.
AND WHAT SHE SAID WAS LIKE,
NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU OUTSIDE OF YOU
THAT CREATED YOU AND HAS THE FINAL SAY,
AND IT'S NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, MAN.
>> SHE GAVE YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
>> YEAH.
AND THEN WE JUST KIND OF LIKE WALKED AND TALKED
FOR A LONG TIME.
AND THEN I LEFT.
AND THEN WE LIKE TEXTED LIKE IDIOTS LIKE ALL WEEK.
AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE, HEY, NORMALLY
I GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS, BUT
THERE'S ACTUALLY A NIGHT SERVICE ON SATURDAY
IF YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME.
AND I WAS LIKE SHE COULD HAVE INVITED ME TO THE MOON
AND I WOULD BE LIKE, YES, YOU KNOW.
WHERE'S MY ROCKET SHIP.
YOU KNOW, I'D HAVE FOUND A WAY.
BUT I WAS LIKE WHEREVER THIS GIRL IS, I WANT TO BE.
>> I LOVE IT.
>> AND WE GO, AND I HAD LIKE
ALL THESE LIKE PRESUPPOSITIONS ABOUT
HOW I SHOULDN'T BE THERE AND HOW I'M GOING TO LIKE
BURST INTO FLAMES WHEN I WALK IN THE DOOR
BECAUSE I'M LIKE WHAT --
WHAT DO I HAVE ANY BUSINESS BEING IN CHURCH?
AND I GET THERE AND LIKE THE AESTHETIC'S COOL,
THE MUSIC'S COOL AND EVERYONE'S KIND.
BUT I'M LIKE, REALLY I'M THERE TO BE AROUND HER.
AND THEN I SIT DOWN AND I HEAR THIS MESSAGE FROM
2 SAMUEL CHAPTER 9 ABOUT THIS,
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT DAVID THAT HE JUST
REBUILT THE TEMPLE AND
HE'S INTROSPECTIVELY ASKING HIMSELF,
HOW CAN I -- HOW CAN I GIVE THE KINDNESS THAT
I'VE EXPERIENCED FROM GOD TO GOD'S PEOPLE?
AND HE'S LIKE, OH, YEAH.
I MADE THIS PROMISE TO MY FRIEND JONATHAN
IN 1 SAMUEL.
WE MADE THIS -- I HAD THIS COVENANT
OF PROMISE WITH HIM.
>> YEAH.
>> IS THERE ANYONE LEFT OUT OF THE HOUSE OF SAUL?
AND HE FINDS ZIBA,
HE WAS A GUARD UNDERNEATH SAUL,
AND NOW HE'S HIS GUARD.
HE'S LIKE, IS THERE ANYONE LEFT?
AND HE'S LIKE, YEAH, MEPHIBOSHETH
IS IN THIS PLACE CALLED LODEBAR.
IT'S IN THIS LIKE DESERT WASTELAND IN PALESTINE
AND HE'S THERE AND HE'S HIDING AND DAVID'S LIKE, OKAY.
GO GET HIM.
AND HE BRINGS HIM BEFORE HIM, AND MEPHIBOSHETH,
HE WAS HIDING BECAUSE HISTORICALLY IF THERE WAS
ANYONE FROM A PREVIOUS LINEAGE OF A KING
THAT REMAINED, THEY WERE KILLED.
>> YEAH.
>> AND IT WAS LIKE, OKAY,
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M FOUND I WAS HIDING,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT DEATH WAS MY FUTURE.
AND HERE IS MY DAY TO DIE.
AND DAVID LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS,
HEY, I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO RESTORE
YOUR GRANDFATHER'S LAND AND NOT JUST ANY LAND, CANAAN.
SO I'M INVITING YOU INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD.
I'M GONNA INVITE YOU INTO MY KINGDOM AND I'M GIVING
YOU A SEAT AT MY TABLE.
NOT JUST FOR TODAY, BUT FOREVER.
I WANT YOU TO BE A PART OF MY FAMILY.
LIKE THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF GRACE.
SO HOW DOES HE RESPOND TO THAT, THOUGH?
AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, 2 SAMUEL
CHAPTER 9, VERSE 8, HE SAYS,
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT WITH
A DEAD DOG LIKE ME?
AND I WAS LIKE, YEAH.
>> YOU'RE LIKE, I CAN RELATE TO THAT.
>> YES, BECAUSE AT THAT POINT
I UNDERSTOOD LIKE ROMANS 3:23 SAYS THAT
WE'VE ALL SINNED AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD.
ROMANS 6:23, THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH.
WE'RE ALL GUILTY.
WE'RE ALL DESERVING OF DEATH.
SURE, MAYBE I'M NOT SO BAD.
AND THEN ROMANS 10:9,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU CONFESS WITH YOUR MOUTH
THAT JESUS IS LORD, YOU KNOW, AND BELIEVE THAT HE WAS
RAISED FROM THE DEAD, YOU'LL BE SAVED.
I'M LIKE, THAT'S AMAZING FOR WHOEVER THAT'S FOR
BUT DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
DON'T YOU KNOW MY STORY?
AND I'M JUST LIKE GOD, LIKE I WAS --
I WAS LIKE WITH HIM IN THAT MOMENT.
LIKE IT'S LIKE, YES.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
MY OWN FATHER DIDN'T WANT ME.
AND THEN HE READS HEBREWS 12:2, TALKING ABOUT
THE JOY THAT JESUS WAS EXPERIENCING SET BEFORE
HIM AS HE ENDURED THE CROSS, AS HE WENT TO THE CROSS
BATTERED AND BEATEN AND BRUISED,
AND ALL KNOWING WHAT'S TO HAPPEN.
YET HE HAS JOY IN HIS HEART.
AND GOD SHOWED ME THE JOY
THAT HE HAD IN HIS HEART WAS LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR ME,
AND THAT LOVE ARRESTED ME AND IT COMPELLED ME
TO MY KNEES AND I WEPT AND I WEPT
AND I WEPT AND I WEPT.
AND WHEN I STOOD UP,
I DIDN'T HAVE THE WEIGHT OF THE SHAME THAT I CARRIED
MY WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FORGIVEN
AND MADE NEW.
AND I WANT EVERYONE TO EXPERIENCE THAT.
AND PRETTY COOL THAT THAT GIRL'S NAME IS HOPE,
AND THAT WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NINE YEARS
AND WE'VE GOT FOUR BOYS.
AND, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, SHE'S THE ABSOLUTE BEST,
THE JOY OF MY LIFE.
AND I LOVE THAT PART OF MY STORY,
BUT LIKE IF YOU LOOK AT EPHESIANS 2:8-9,
IT TALKS ABOUT HOW, YOU KNOW, THIS UNDERSTANDING OF GRACE.
AND WE'RE NOT SAVED --
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SAVED BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH
AND IT'S NOT OF OUR OWN DOINGS SO THAT WE CAN'T BOAST,
BUT AS IT GOES ON, LIKE VERSE 2:10,
IT'S TALKING ABOUT, MAN,
GOD LOVED YOU SO MUCH THAT HE PREDESTINED WORKS
FOR YOU TO WALK IN.
THERE'S SOMETHING THAT HE PUT IN YOU THAT
WHEN IT'S RELEASED INTO THE WORLD
IT'S FOR HIS GLORY AND FOR YOUR GOOD.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY SATISFIED
WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN THE PURPOSE THAT
HE HAS PREDESTINED FOR YOU TO WALK IN.
GUESS WHAT?
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT
THAT HE GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO BE GOOD AT
TO DO AND IT'S NOT FOR YOU,
IT -- IT MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL SATISFIED,
BUT IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING THE VERY THING
THAT HE CREATED YOU TO DO.
AND JESUS DIED SO THAT THE HOLY SPIRIT
CAN DWELL IN YOU SO YOU CAN WALK IN AGAIN.
SO, IT'S LIKE DISCOVERING THAT.
IT'S ME RIGHT AFTER THAT,
WALKING INTO A CHURCH AND SAYING,
HEY, I NEED TO BE DISCIPLED.
I WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS JESUS.
I WANT TO LEARN.
MAN, HE SAID NOT A DOT,
NOT AN IOTA OF HIS WORD WILL PASS AWAY
UNTIL IT'S ALL FULFILLED.
MAN, IF HE TAKES THE BIBLE THAT SERIOUSLY,
I WANT TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE I
WASN'T SURE ABOUT THE BIBLE, BUT I WAS CERTAIN
ABOUT JESUS.
AND IF JESUS SAID THE BIBLE WAS IMPORTANT,
IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.
AND I JUST CLUNG ONTO IT.
AND I WAS --
I WAS SOMEONE THAT COULD REGURGITATE INFORMATION,
BUT NOT INTERNALIZE AND METABOLIZE IT.
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN THE BIBLE BECAME ALIVE TO ME
IN A WAY THAT I -- IT WAS SUPERNATURAL.
AND I JUST HAD SOMEONE THAT WALKED WITH ME.
AND IT WASN'T JUST THAT HE WAS TEACHING ME HOW TO
READ THE BIBLE, HE WAS TEACHING ME
HOW TO FOLLOW JESUS.
AND INVITED ME INTO MY HOME --
AND INTO HIS HOME, YOU KNOW.
SO LIKE 1 THESSALONIANS TALKS ABOUT
HOW LIKE THEY DIDN'T JUST LIKE TEACH THE WORD
TO EACH OTHER, THEY SHARED THEIR VERY LIVES
WITH ONE ANOTHER AND IT WAS WATCHING HIM
RESPOND TO CONFLICT,
YOU KNOW, PARENT HIS KIDS.
WHEN SOMETHING THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM
DIDN'T GO HIS WAY,
HOW DID HE RESPOND TO IT?
HOW DID HE CELEBRATE?
HOW DO HE FAIL?
AND BEING CLOSE ENOUGH TO HIM THAT
THAT RUBBED OFF ON ME.
LIKE, THAT CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY LIFE.
AND I JUST -- IT'S LIKE I'VE I'VE BEEN SOMEONE WHERE --
LIKE MY GRANDMA'S LIKE BUTTERMILK BISCUITS,
THEY'RE AWESOME.
SO I WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE THEM AND SO THE
GOSPEL BECAME THAT TO ME.
IT'S LIKE, GOSH, IF I'VE GOT THE ANTIDOTE FOR DEATH,
WHY NOT GIVE IT AWAY?
>> YEAH.
>> SO TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.
SO I GO TO LIBERTY UNIVERSITY,
STUDY CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES, GET A THEOLOGICAL EDUCATION
AND GET PLUGGED IN AND GET, YOU KNOW,
START SERVING IN CHURCHES AND END UP
BEING AN ASSOCIATE PASTOR AT A CHURCH AND THEN
EVENTUALLY A TEACHING PASTOR AT A CHURCH.
AND THEN AFTER FIVE YEARS OF NOT SAYING A WORD FROM STAGE,
GOD GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO
SOMETHING ON FOX WHERE TUCKER CARLSON WAS
INTERVIEWING ME AND HE WAS LIKE HOW DID YOU GO
FROM BEING THE NUMBER ONE PORNSTAR IN THE UNITED STATES
IN 2012, TO NOW TEACHING THE BIBLE?
LIKE, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
AND I WAS LIKE, MAN,
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT JESUS.
BECAUSE WHEN JESUS LOOKS AT MY LIFE,
HE'S NOT SURPRISED.
LIKE, I THINK LIKE MY STORY
CAN BECOME THIS, LIKE, ANOMALY BECAUSE SEX
IS AN IDOL IN WESTERNIZED CULTURE.
>> YEAH, IT IS.
>> SO IT'S LIKE, WELL,
HOW CAN A -- HOW CAN A PORNSTAR BECOME A PREACHER?
WELL, HOW CAN A --
>> THE REDEMPTION ART.
>> YEAH.
WELL, HOW CAN THE PRIMARY PERSECUTOR
OF THE CHURCH, YOU KNOW,
WRITE, YOU KNOW, 66% OF THE NEW TESTAMENT.
HOW CAN A MAN WHO COMMITS ADULTERY AND THEN
KILLS THE MAN WHO HE COMMITTED ADULTERY WITH HIS WIFE,
AND GOT HER PREGNANT AND THEN HE COVERS IT UP
BY SENDING HIM INTO BATTLE KNOWING
HE'S GOING TO BE KILLED.
HOW CAN THAT MAN BE SOMEONE
THAT WE SAY IS A MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART?
HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN?
BECAUSE ANYONE, ANYWHERE,
IF YOU SUBMIT AND SURRENDER YOUR LIFE TO JESUS,
YOU'RE MADE NEW AND YOU'RE GIVEN A NEW NAME, A NEW CALLING,
AND A NEW PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND THAT'S NOT A SURPRISE TO GOD,
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN DOING IT SINCE
THE BEGINNING OF TIME.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ARE SOME OF THE LIES
THAT ARE HURDLES FOR PEOPLE WALKING IN THEIR DESTINY,
AND WHAT IS THE TRUTH THAT PUSHES THE LIE OUT?
>> YEAH, I MEAN, I THINK THAT IT'S LIKE BECAUSE
THERE'S PEOPLE THAT ARE FORGIVEN, BUT THEY'RE
STILL WOUNDED IN THAT.
BECAUSE WE, WE GET IN CHURCH CIRCLES WHERE IT'S LIKE
IF YOU CONFESS THIS, IF YOU CONFESS SOMETHING
TO ME AND LET'S SAY THAT WE'RE IN A SMALL GROUP,
AND YOU SAY, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH X,
AND YOU'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THIS THING,
AND I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH IT TOO,
AND YOU CONFESS WITH CLARITY AND CONVICTION
EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE,
AND I WAS LIKE I CAN RESONATE WITH THAT TOO.
BUT THAT'S ALL I SAY.
SO I WOULD SAY THE LEVEL OR THE DEPTH
OF YOUR CONFESSION IS GOING TO
EQUATE TO THE LEVEL OF YOUR HEALING.
MEANING THAT IF I GET AROUND A CIRCLE
AND I JUST SAY -- IF I NOD MY HEAD IN AGREEMENT
WITH YOUR SIN,
I'VE NOT CONFESSED.
I'M IN AGREEMENT AND I BROUGHT IT TO THE SURFACE
MAYBE, BUT THE AMOUNT OF FREEDOM THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE IN CONTRAST TO MINE, DIFFERENT.
>> YEAH.
>> SO I'M STILL WALKING WOUNDED BECAUSE I'VE NEVER
SAID OUT LOUD WHAT I'M REALLY WRESTLING WITH.
>> YEAH, IF YOU'RE NOT TRANSPARENT AND VULNERABLE,
AND OPEN YOURSELF UP FOR GOD TO HEAL YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE TO OPEN --
>> YEAH.
>> UP TO THINGS THAT YOU KNOW THAT THE ENEMY
KEEPS US IN DARKNESS AND IN SHAME.
>> YEAH.
AND EVEN LIKE, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE CHAPTERS
OF THE BOOK, IT TALKS ABOUT UNFORGIVENESS,
AND LIKE THE WORLDLY,
YOU KNOW, LIE OR THE WORLDLY LIKE POINT OF VIEW
WOULD BE CANCEL CULTURE AND THEN FORGIVENESS
UNDERSTOOD, YOU KNOW,
THROUGH THE LENS OF BIBLICAL THEOLOGY.
AND THAT, LIKE WITH MY DAD.
IT'S LIKE, OKAY,
I'M GOING TO CHOOSE TO FORGIVE MY DAD.
NOT BECAUSE OF AN OUTCOME.
BECAUSE WHAT IF RECONCILIATION
DOESN'T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS?
LIKE, WHAT IF MY DAD DOESN'T CHOOSE TO BE MY DAD
AND A GRANDFATHER TO MY KIDS?
DO I STILL FORGIVE HIM KNOWING THAT
HE'S NOT GOING TO DO THAT?
THE BIBLE SAYS YES.
BECAUSE I FORGIVE NOT BECAUSE OF AN OUTCOME,
I FORGIVE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FORGIVEN AND THAT'S
NOT A ONE-TIME THING.
THAT'S A POSTURE.
>> IT'S FOREVER.
>> BECAUSE IN THE SAME WAY WHEN JESUS
UTTERED TETELESTAI, WHEN HE SAID, IT IS FINISHED,
IT WAS IN, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS IN THE FUTURE PERFECT TENSE.
MEANING THAT IT WAS IMPERATIVE IN THAT MOMENT,
BUT IT LASTED A LIFETIME.
SO IN OUR HUMANITY
SOMETIMES I CAN SAY I'M SORRY TODAY,
BUT IF YOU CATCH ME ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK
WHEN I'M TIRED AND YOU DO SOMETHING AGAIN --
>> YEAH.
>> OR SOMEONE REMINDS ME THAT YOU BURNED ME,
OR MY KID, YOU KNOW, LIKE CANNON --
AND, YOU KNOW, THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT KIDS
AND LIKE THE BEAUTY --
LIKE IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, THEIR CURIOSITY.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THAT LIKE THEY ASK QUESTIONS THAT MIGHT
LIKE SEEM INVASIVE, BUT IT'S JUST PURE.
>> YEAH, THEY ARE.
IT'S REALLY COOL.
>> SO CANNON'S LIKE, DO YOU HAVE A DAD?
>> YEAH, THAT'S SO SOMETHING THEY WOULD ASK.
>> AND HE ASKS ME OFTEN BECAUSE HE FORGETS.
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE -- BECAUSE LIKE I FEEL LIKE
MY WIFE'S FAMILY LIKE FELL OUT OF THE HALLMARK CHANNEL.
THEY'RE LIKE --
>> OH.
>> INCREDIBLE, THEY'RE AMAZING.
>> I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE THAT, THOUGH.
I MEAN, WHAT A BLESSING.
>> THEY ARE. AND LIKE LIKE CHRIS AND DEB, LIKE I LOVE THEM
TO THE MOON AND BACK AND THEY'RE AMAZING
AND THEY'RE SO GOOD TO ME AND SO GOOD FOR MY SOUL.
BUT SOMETIMES HE'S LIKE DO YOU --
>> WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD?
>> YEAH, IT'S LIKE, DO YOU HAVE A DAD?
BECAUSE HE'S MET HIM LIKE TWO TIMES,
AND SOME OF OUR KIDS NEVER MET HIM.
>> YEAH.
>> AND LIKE THE PICTURES THAT WE HAVE OF HIM,
HE'S LIKE HOLDING HIM LIKE AS A KID, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE, WHO IS THIS PERSON?
AND IN THAT MOMENT
I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF YOU WEREN'T THERE.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU DON'T TEXT, YOU DON'T CALL.
I INVITED YOU TO SOMETHING
AND YOU SAID NO.
SO I COULD CHOOSE TO GO BACK TO RESENTMENT,
BUT I HAVE TO ACTIVELY CONTINUE TO CHOOSE --
LIKE IT'S NOT --
IT'S NOT A ONE-TIME DECISION.
IT'S A HEART POSTURE.
AND I'M GOING TO CHOOSE TO RESPOND
IN THE REALITY OF IN SPITE OF MY CIRCUMSTANCE.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE DIFFERENCE OF
REACTIONARY BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR.
REACTIONARY BEHAVIOR IS LIKE I AM REACTING BASED UPON A PERSON
OR A SITUATION AND THAT'S GOING TO BE THE THING
THAT'S INDICATIVE OF HOW I FEEL.
RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR IS, WELL, THERE'S A CORE BELIEF
OR SOMETHING THAT EXISTS OUTSIDE OF ME
THAT'S BIGGER THAN ME THAT I PRE-DECIDE TO
WHATEVER HAPPENS, LIKE THIS IS TRUE.
SO I'M GOING TO PRE-DECIDE, I'M GOING TO FORGIVE,
EVEN IF THAT -- WHEN MY SWEET LITTLE CANNON SAYS,
DO YOU HAVE A DAD, THAT STINGS IN THAT MOMENT,
BUT, YOU KNOW, 2 CORINTHIANS 10:5 TALKS ABOUT LIKE
TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE AND MAKING IT
OBEDIENT TO CHRIST.
I FEEL THAT THOUGHT.
I FEEL THAT STING.
BUT I BRING THAT THOUGHT TO CHRIST.
>> YEAH.
>> AND I MAKE IT OBEDIENT.
NOT BECAUSE OF HOW I FEEL,
BUT BECAUSE WHAT HE SAYS IS MOST TRUE.
AND I JUST DO THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
SO I WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW, A BIG THING THAT PEOPLE
GET HUNG UP ON IS TRYING TO CONTROL AN OUTCOME.
SO IF I'M STUCK IN SEXUAL SIN IT'S LIKE,
WELL, HOW CAN I BE CLEAN FOR SIX MONTHS?
HOW CAN I NEVER WATCH PORN AGAIN?
HOW CAN -- YOU KNOW, HOW CAN I CHANGE MY LIFE?
WELL, TODAY IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.
I'M GOING TO BE GLAD IN IT.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU JUST DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING
AND THEN YOU WAKE UP AND YOU DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THEN WHAT YOU'LL SEE IS --
YOU KNOW, EUGENE PETERSON,
HE WROTE A REALLY GREAT BOOK CALLED,
LONG OBEDIENCE IN THE SAME DIRECTION.
IF I JUST DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING
CONSISTENTLY OVER TIME,
I'LL LOOK AS I'M LATER DOWN THE ROAD IN MY LIFE,
AND I WILL BUILD A LIFE THAT I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE LIVING BY GOD'S DESIGN.
>> WOW, THAT'S SO GOOD.
IT IS HARD WHEN I UNDERSTAND HAVING, YOU KNOW,
IT'S ONE THING TO FORGIVE SOMEONE.
IT'S HARD WHEN THAT PERSON KEEPS DOING THINGS
THAT ARE HURTFUL.
>> YEAH.
>> AND I WILL SAY THAT OUR CULTURE, ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SEEN ONLINE IS THAT
MY GENERATION AND YOUNGER,
THEY'RE REALLY TEACHING PEOPLE TO COMPLETELY
DETACH THEMSELVES FROM FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, IF THEY'RE GETTING HURT,
AND I DO THINK THERE'S A TIME TO DO THAT,
BUT I DO THINK IN THE MESSAGE OF THE BIBLE,
WE ARE TO FORGIVE AND WE CAN STILL REACH OUT
IN LOVE AND YOU CAN STILL HAVE BOUNDARIES.
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, THAT'S THAT'S SO IMPORTANT.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE CALLED TO FORGIVE,
BUT NOT NECESSARILY FORGET.
>> NO, YOU DON'T FORGET.
>> AND THEN THAT MEANS THAT YOU CAN HAVE,
LIKE BOUNDARIES ARE HEALTHY.
AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE GATES ARE GREAT, YOU KNOW.
>> YEAH. BUT A GATE'S NOT A WALL.
>> RIGHT. A GATE IS NOT A WALL.
>> THAT'S THE DIFFERENTIATION
BECAUSE I THINK PEOPLE, AND I GET IT,
YOU GET SO HURT YOU'RE LIKE
I'M NEVER LETTING THIS PERSON IN.
BUT IT'S LIKE FAMILY IS THIS -- AND YOU MIGHT GO
THROUGH SEASONS WHERE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AND STUFF,
BUT FAMILY AT THE END OF THE DAY,
THERE KIND OF IS THAT.
AND WITH YOUR PARENTS
YOU'RE CALLED TO HONOR THEM.
>> YEAH.
>> EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD PARENTS.
>> AND I WOULD SAY THAT'S SOMETHING THAT CHANGED
LIKE IN ME.
SO LIKE LEVI LUSKO IS SOMEONE WHO IS --
SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS INTO MY LIFE AND HE
SPOKE THIS WORD OVER ME AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, JOSH,
I JUST REALLY BELIEVE THAT WOULDN'T IT
JUST BE BEAUTIFUL
IF GOD USED YOU TO BE A VESSEL OR A CONDUIT OF GOD
MINISTERING TO WHATEVER IS BROKEN IN YOUR DAD.
>> YEAH.
>> LIKE IN HIS GRACE AND HIS MERCY,
WHAT IF IT IS IN SPITE OF MY SITUATION,
IN THE SAME WAY THAT GOD PURSUED ME
WHEN I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR HIM,
WHAT IF I'M CALLED TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE MY DAD?
LIKE HOW BEAUTIFUL OF A LOVE STORY WOULD IT BE?
>> YEAH.
>> AND AT THE SAME TIME,
I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT GOD IS SOVEREIGN
AND HIS WAYS ARE NOT MY WAYS,
AND HIS WAYS ARE HIGHER THAN MY WAYS,
AND MAYBE HIS OUTCOME WILL BE DIFFERENT
THAN MINE.
BUT I'M NOT CALLED TO BE PERFECT.
I'M CALLED TO BE OBEDIENT,
AND I THINK THAT'S IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE
PURSUIT AND COMMITMENT AND CONSISTENCY.
THAT'S HARD.
>> YEAH. IT'S LIKE A DAY-TO-DAY DECISION,
BUT HE'LL GIVE YOU GRACE, BUT WHAT I LOVE IS THAT --
I FEEL LIKE THAT'S KIND OF --
YOU'RE KIND OF SUMMARIZING THE GOSPEL.
AND LIKE ONE OF THINGS WE'RE CALLED TO DO IS LIKE
GOD LOVES US IN THIS LIKE EXTRAVAGANT WAY
AND HE REDEEMS US AND THEN HE CALLS US TO LOVE
OTHER PEOPLE WITH HIS LOVE THROUGH US,
NOT OUR OWN LOVE OUT OF OUR --
YOU KNOW, HIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND THEN PEOPLE
ARE CHANGED.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
THINKING ABOUT FORGIVENESS IS THE WAY,
ONE OF THE WAYS I SEE FORGIVENESS
IS FORGIVENESS IS A WAY TO LIKE STOP A CYCLE OF PAIN.
>> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE IT'S LIKE YOUR DAD GOT HURT
AND THEN YOU GOT HURT.
AND IT'S LIKE YOU STOPPED IT.
>> YEAH.
>> STOPPED THE CYCLE.
NOW YOUR KIDS, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN KIDS.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE LIKE SATAN WANTS TO PUT
A STRONGHOLD LIKE IN MY MIND,
A GENERATIONAL CURSE ON MY LIFE,
YOU KNOW, THAT YOU --
HE WANTS MY KIDS TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT I EXPERIENCED.
>> EXACTLY.
IT'S SO EASY TO KEEP THE CYCLE GOING.
IT'S HARD TO BREAK IT.
>> WHAT'S WILD ABOUT THAT,
IS LIKE IN OUR IN OUR HUMANITY,
YOU WOULD THINK, WELL, TO FIX THAT THEN I NEED TO
FIX THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD OR MY DAD NEEDS
TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
SO LIKE, NO, I CAN ACTUALLY CHOOSE TO FORGIVE HIM
IN SPITE OF WHAT HE DOES AND I JUST CHOOSE
TO BE A GOOD DAD.
AND IT'S LIKE -- AND I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT I FIND THAT GREW UP LIKE ME,
THEY CAN FALL INTO THE TRAP OF MAN.
WELL, I GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT MY KID HAS EVERYTHING
AND DOES ALL THIS.
>> THEY'RE TRYING TO OVERCOMPENSATE.
>> I'M SURE, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THIS
AND CAN APPRECIATE THIS.
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, LIKE WHAT MY KID WANTS TO DO
IS FOR ME TO SIT ON THE FLOOR AND LISTEN TO HIM.
>> YEAH.
>> LIKE THE GREATEST PRESENT THAT I CAN GIVE HIM
IS MY PRESENCE.
>> OH, TOTALLY. AND I THINK, TOO,
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO DIFFERENTIATE THAT IT'S
LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE YOUR DAD.
>> RIGHT.
>> WE ARE JUST CALLED TO BE OBEDIENT TO WHAT GOD TELLS
US TO DO AND YOU LOVE WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATION
OR ANY TIMELINE.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT GOD CAN WORK THROUGH YOU AND HE CAN --
HE'S THE ONE.
THE HOLY SPIRIT IS THE ONE THAT CONVICTS US.
HE'S THE ONE THAT WORKS ON OUR HEARTS, BUT THAT LOVE
CAN HELP SHIFT AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND I'VE HEARD
SO MANY STORIES WHERE PEOPLE LOVED THEIR PARENTS
AND HONORED THEM WHEN THEY DID NOT DESERVE IT,
BUT GOD DID A MIRACULOUS WORK IN THEIR LIFE AND IT WAS
THROUGH THAT CHILD LOVING THEIR PARENT.
AND I'M JUST LIKE WHY NOT CHOOSE TO FORGIVE AND LOVE THOSE
WHO DON'T DESERVE IT, AND THE GRACE THAT GOD GIVES US
AND THE LOVE THAT GOD GIVES US FOR PEOPLE
WITH WISDOM.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING, TAKE LIKE WE SAID
GATES, BUT NOT WALLS.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT GOD CAN DO A WORK THERE AND THAT'S WHY GOD --
ONE OF THE THINGS THE LORD HAS TAUGHT ME IS LIKE HIS WAY,
THE KINGDOM, IS A WAY THAT'S HIGHER
AND IT'S BETTER THAN THE WAY OUR WORLD OPERATES.
AND IT IS COSTLY AND IT CAN HURT
AND THERE IS SACRIFICE INVOLVED.
BUT OBEDIENCE IS THE WAY TO DO THINGS.
IT'S THE BEST WAY TO DO THINGS, AND ONE DAY WE WILL
STAND BEFORE HIM AND I'D RATHER SAY THAT I OBEYED
AND I HELPED EXPAND YOUR KINGDOM
VERSUS I WAS A HINDRANCE --
>> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE I GOT OFFENDED AND I SAID NO.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE, I MEAN, THINKING ABOUT LIKE
THE PRODIGAL SON, LIKE HIS HEART FOR HIS CHILDREN.
HE'S NOT LIKE WAVING HIS FINGER
OR POUNDING HIS FIST.
HE'S SAYING TAKE ONE STEP TOWARDS ME AND I'M GOING
TO RUN TOWARDS MY CHILD AND I'M GOING TO PUT
A RING ON YOUR FINGER, A SANDAL ON YOUR FOOT,
A ROBE ACROSS YOUR BACK,
AND I'M GOING TO THROW A PARTY
BECAUSE MY SON OR MY DAUGHTER HAS COME HOME.
>> YEAH.
>> I JUST WANT MY KIDS TO COME HOME.
>> AND I THINK IT'S JUST SO IMPORTANT FOR CHRISTIANS
TO REMAIN IN A POSTURE OF HUMILITY WITH GOD
BECAUSE I THINK RELIGION CAN SET IN
AND YOU THINK ABOUT THAT OLDER SON THAT WAS LIKE ANNOYED
AND MAD THAT HIS BROTHER WAS REDEEMED.
>> AND I CAN RESONATE WITH THAT.
>> YEAH. AND IT'S LIKE WE DON'T WANT TO FIND OURSELVES
IN THAT POSITION.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WE WANT TO CREATE A POSTURE
OF HUMILITY AND ASKING GOD, GIVE ME YOUR HEART
FOR PEOPLE.
SO THAT WHEN THAT PERSON COMES BACK,
WE'RE CELEBRATING WE'RE NOT RESENTFUL.
>> YEAH, AND I WOULD SAY LIKE THAT IN ITSELF,
LIKE WHAT YOU JUST SAID, LIKE,
I WASN'T STRUGGLING AS MUCH TO STOP WATCHING PORN
WHEN I LEFT THAT INDUSTRY.
MORE SO, IT WAS TRUSTING AND LETTING PEOPLE IN
AND STOP --
>> YEAH.
>> LIKE OBJECTIFYING PEOPLE.
AND THE SOLUTION WASN'T TO LIKE TRY REALLY HARD
NOT TO LIKE LOOK AT PEOPLE IN A CERTAIN WAY
OR LIKE NOT LOOK AT PORN
OR WHATEVER.
THE SOLUTION WAS ME,
YOU KNOW, ME ASKING GOD,
LET ME SEE PEOPLE
LIKE YOU SEE THEM.
>> THAT'S THE KEY.
>> LET ME SEE PEOPLE LIKE YOU SEE ME.
>> OH, YES.
THERE'S A REALLY GOOD TEACHING ON THIS.
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE THE SECOND PERSON I'VE HEARD SAY THAT.
AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN, TOO,
OVERCOMING LUST, AND HE SAID SEEING PEOPLE
IN THE IMAGE OF GOD.
AND THERE'S LIKE THIS TEACHING,
MY SONS WATCHTHE BIBLE PROJECT AND THEY HAVE LIKE
THESE TEACHINGS ON THAT SERMON ON THE MOUNT
IN MATTHEW 5, BUT THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS
HE SAYS IS THAT WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD
AND YOU UNDERSTAND THAT LUST IS ACTUALLY LIKE
TRYING TO DEHUMANIZE THAT PERSON FOR YOUR
OWN SELFISH REASONS, IT HELPS BREAK THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> I LOVE THAT.
I MEAN JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT,
YOU KNOW, THAT THAT PORTION OF SCRIPTURE.
JESUS IS SAYING, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU EVEN LUST, LIKE NOT --
NOT THE ACT OF ADULTERY.
IF YOU LUST IN YOUR MIND, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
COMMITTED ADULTERY AND IT'S BETTER FOR YOU TO CUT
OFF YOUR HANDS AND, YOU KNOW, GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES.
BUT HE HE'S NOT SPEAKING IN HYPERBOLE.
HE'S SAYING, YOU KNOW, EVEN IF YOU CUT OFF YOUR HANDS
SO THAT YOU COULDN'T MASTURBATE
AND YOU GOUGED OUT YOUR EYES
SO YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING, OR, YOU KNOW,
YOU BECAME BRAIN DEAD
SO THAT YOU COULDN'T THINK INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS,
THE PROBLEM LIES IN YOUR HEART AND YOU NEED SURGERY THAT
YOU CAN'T GIVE YOURSELF, ONLY THE PERSON OF
JESUS CHRIST CAN FIX THAT.
>> EXACTLY. AND HE WAS TALKING, YOU KNOW,
HE WAS TALKING TO --
YOU KNOW, HE WAS JEWISH.
HE WAS IN ISRAEL.
IT'S WHY A HISTORICAL CONTEXT ALWAYS HELPS.
AND HE WAS TALKING TO A PEOPLE THAT WERE LIKE,
WELL, I FOLLOWED THE LAW, AND HE WAS LIKE,
I'M GOING AFTER SOMETHING DEEPER HERE.
I'M GOING AFTER YOUR HEART.
NOT JUST AN OUTWARD MANIFESTATION.
I WANT THIS CHANGED.
>> YEAH, NOT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION,
HEART TRANSFORMATION.
AND ONLY JESUS CAN DO THAT.
>> SO GOOD.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS JUST SHARING
YOUR STORY.
AND, YOU KNOW, JUST HELPING PEOPLE SEE THAT GOD
CAN REDEEM ANYONE AND THAT YOU'RE NOT TOO FAR.
BUT NOT JUST REDEEM,
GOD CAN COMPLETELY TRANSFORM AND SET YOU INTO
A TRAJECTORY WHERE YOU'RE LIVING IN THE FULLNESS
OF YOUR CALLING.
YEAH, NOT LIVING AT 2% OR 50%, BUT LIVING AT 100%.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, JUST TO THINK THAT, YOU KNOW,
OVER THE LAST, YOU KNOW, THREE, FOUR YEARS,
I'VE SPOKEN AT 300 DIFFERENT CHURCHES
AND WROTE A BOOK THAT DID REALLY WELL
AND DID ALL THESE THINGS.
IT'S LIKE, IT'S NOT ABOUT LIKE ACCOLADES
OR NUMBERS, BUT IT'S JUST THE REALITY THAT IN SPITE OF ME
GOD USED ME, BUT THAT WAS BORN OUT OF
JUST SIMPLE OBEDIENCE.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THAT IF I'M WILLING TO SURRENDER AND SUBMIT
MY LIFE TO JESUS AND SAY, LORD,
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME SAY?
YOU KNOW, WE LOOK AT STORY AFTER STORY IN THE BIBLE
WHERE I LOVE -- ONE MORE THING.
>> YEAH.
>> AND IT'S JUST I THINK IT'S JUST SO IMPORTANT
TO KIND OF THINK OF THAT LIKE
JOHN 21 WHERE JESUS RESTORES PETER.
AND IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, PETER HAD SAID,
IF YOU HAD ASKED PETER, IF PETER WOULD HAVE TAKEN
A POLYGRAPH,
WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO DENY JESUS?
NO WAY.
AND HE BELIEVES IT IN HIS HEART OF HEARTS,
YET HE DID IT ANYWAY.
AND THEN HE DOES IT AND THEN HE GOES BACK FISHING.
AND THEN JESUS IS, YOU KNOW,
ON THE SHORE MAKING BREAKFAST.
THEY GO TO HIM.
AND JESUS ASKED,
PETER, DO YOU LOVE ME?
AND THEN IN THE GREEK HE'S SAYING
DO YOU AGAPE ME?
THE TOTALITY OF LOVE AND HE'S LIKE,
I CAN'T COMMIT TO THAT.
I PHILEO YOU,
WHICH MEANS I LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER OR BROTHERLY LOVE.
AND THEN JESUS ASKS HIM AGAIN,
DO YOU AGAPE ME?
PHILEO, BROTHERLY LOVE.
AND THEN JESUS ASKS A THIRD TIME,
WELL, DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME LIKE A BROTHER?
AND HE WAS OBVIOUSLY HURT BY THAT.
AND THEN HE SAYS YES,
YOU KNOW ALL THINGS.
YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
AND THEN WHAT JESUS SAYS NEXT,
IT SAYS, WELL, GO FEED MY SHEEP BECAUSE YOU THINK
THAT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK FISHING BECAUSE YOU'VE
DISQUALIFIED YOURSELF, BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT YOU DON'T GET TO DISQUALIFY YOURSELF FROM
THE THING THAT I CREATED YOU TO DO.
SO IF YOU LOVE ME LIKE JOHN 14:15, IF YOU LOVE ME,
OBEY MY COMMANDMENTS.
SO IF I PUT MY HUMANITY INTO THAT,
WELL, IF I DON'T DO THE RIGHT THING,
HE'S NOT GOING TO LOVE ME OR, YOU KNOW, IF I
DON'T DO THE RIGHT THING,
HE'S GOING TO COME DOWN ON ME AND CRUSH ME.
NO, IF I LOVE GOD, THEN I TRUST HIS CHARACTER
BECAUSE IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIS CHARACTER,
I'LL MISUNDERSTAND HIS TONALITY.
SO WHAT HE'S SAYING IS,
IF YOU LOVE ME, TRUST THAT I HAVE A PLAN
FOR YOUR LIFE.
I CREATED YOU WITH A CALLING.
I GAVE YOU GIFTS AND TALENTS.
AND IF YOU FEEL PROMPTED TO DO SOMETHING THAT IS
IN ALIGNMENT WITH MY WILL FOR YOUR LIFE,
YOU CAN'T DISQUALIFY YOURSELF FROM THAT.
SO GO FEED MY SHEEP.
>> THAT'S SO GOOD.
AND THAT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT POINT
THAT YOU MIGHT THINK THAT YOU'VE
DISQUALIFIED YOURSELF,
BUT GOD IS CALLING US BACK
AND IT'S NEVER TOO LATE,
IF YOU'RE GOING THIS WAY, TO REPENT AND TURN BACK TO HIM
AND WALK IN THE CALLING THAT HE HAS FOR YOU.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE I MEAN JUST THINKING ABOUT LIKE
REPENTANCE, LIKE UNDERSTOOD, ITS LOGISTICAL TERMINOLOGY
THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO TAKE A 180-DEGREE TURN
AWAY FROM THE THING
THAT'S DESTROYING ME THAT IT GOES AGAINST GOD'S WILL.
AND IT'S NOT PASSIVE, IT'S ACTIVE.
SO I'M NOT GOING TO JUST STOP DOING THE THING.
I'M GOING TO ACTIVELY MOVE TOWARDS CHRIST.
SO STOP DOING THE THING
THAT'S DESTROYING YOU AND MOVE IN A DIFFERENT
DIRECTION AND MOVE TOWARDS CHRIST.
>> BUT FOR CLOSING OUT,
CAN YOU JUST PRAY FOR THAT PERSON WHO'S WATCHING THIS?
>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
HEAVENLY FATHER,
I JUST THANK YOU THAT YOU'RE A GOOD FATHER.
AND, LORD, RIGHT NOW
I JUST PRAY THAT WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN
TO BRING TO THE FOREFRONT OF OUR MIND,
WHETHER IT BE LUST, ANGER, UNFORGIVENESS,
GOD, WE TRUST THAT NUMBER ONE,
YOU ALREADY KNOW AND LOVE US ANYWAY, BUT GOD, I JUST
PRAY THAT IN THIS MOMENT WE HAVE THE COURAGE
AND THE CONFIDENCE TO CALL OUT TO YOU
AND TO FIND A FRIEND AND CONFESS TO THEM,
TO SAY OUT LOUD TO SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU
AND THAT WE TRUST, THAT THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY LIFE
THAT I'M STRUGGLING WITH
AND I'VE NEVER SAID IT OUT LOUD BEFORE,
MAYBE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME.
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE THE COURAGE
TO DO THAT TODAY BECAUSE YOUR WORD SAYS
THAT IF I HAVE A RIGHTEOUS MAN
OR A RIGHTEOUS WOMAN PRAY FOR ME,
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN,
BUT I'M NOT HEALED, BUT MAYBE TODAY'S THE DAY
THAT I STOP WALKING IN THE BROKENNESS
THAT I'M STRUGGLING WITH.
TODAY'S THE DAY WHERE I FIND FREEDOM.
GOD, I PRAY FOR THAT PERSON RIGHT NOW,
THAT THAT PERSON FEELS IN A TANGIBLE WAY
YOUR PRESENCE;
THAT THEY ARE COMPELLED BY YOUR LOVE;
THAT YOU START A HEART TRANSFORMATION
FOR THIS PERSON, NOT A LONGING TO DO BETTER,
BUT A DESIRE TO BE CLOSER TO YOU.
WE PRAY THESE THINGS IN JESUS' NAME.
AMEN.
>> AMEN.