I PERSONALLY DIDN'T KNOW BABIES BORN AT 21 WEEKS
COULD SURVIVE ON THEIR OWN.
EVEN IF IT WAS FOR A MINUTE.
IF YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE ABORTION,
SHE WOULD HAVE FELT THAT.
MM-HMM.
AND I THINK IT'S JUST THAT WOMEN HAVE BEEN
TOLD A LIE THAT IT'S NOT A BABY YET.
AND INSTEAD, YOU GAVE YOUR DAUGHTER THE GIFT OF LIFE.
MM-HMM.
AND YOU ALLOWED HER TO LIVE AND FEEL YOUR LOVE.
SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SURVIVE.
EVEN THOUGH IT ALMOST TOOK YOU,
YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE PEACE,
I GAVE MY DAUGHTER LIFE.
I CHOSE LIFE.
HEY, WELCOME BACK TO THE PODCAST.
I AM HERE WITH BRITTANY,
WHO I SAW YOUR STORY ONLINE
AND I REACHED OUT TO YOU
AND ASKED IF YOU WOULD SHARE THE STORY OF BABY MILA
AND YOU SO GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTED.
SO I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR HONORING US
BY SHARING YOUR STORY
BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
I FEEL LIKE AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS REALLY HELPS ME,
YOU KNOW, HAVE HER LIFE HAVE A LEGACY.
AND SO I'M GRATEFUL FOR IT.
YEAH, SHE HAS A LEGACY,
AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE A LEGACY AND A PURPOSE.
AND I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE
THIS IS A TESTIMONY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR STORIES
FROM WHEN THINGS DON'T GO THE WAY WE WANT,
BUT WE CAN STILL TRUST GOD AND THANK GOD,
AND WE CAN QUESTION HIM
AND LET HIM WALK US THROUGH
A HEALING AND RESTORATION PROCESS AS WELL.
SO THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT THING
AND I'M SO THANKFUL THAT YOU'RE SHARING THIS,
BECAUSE THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENS
TO SO MANY PEOPLE.
IT HAPPENS SO OFTEN.
YEAH.
AND I THINK IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE,
WE ALWAYS HEAR THE MIRACLE STORIES,
WHERE YOU DO GET THE MIRACLE YOU ASKED FOR.
AND I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID
I WASN'T PRAYING THAT MY DAUGHTER WOULD BE HERE TODAY.
ABSOLUTELY.
BUT I THINK ALSO WE HAVE TO REALIZE
WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THERE'S SIN
AND THINGS DON'T GO THE WAY THAT WE ALWAYS
KIND OF ASK OR PRAY FOR.
AND I THINK THE MESSAGE, LIKE THROUGH IT ALL,
IS THAT GOD IS STILL GOOD
AND WE JUST HAVE TO RELY ON THE FACT
THAT OUR MIRACLES MIGHT NOT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE'S.
EXACTLY.
YEAH. EVEN WHEN THINGS IN THE NATURAL DON'T MAKE SENSE,
AND I THINK SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY,
BUT YET WE STILL TRUST AND HAVE FAITH
THAT EVEN WHEN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T MAKE SENSE
THAT HE IS GOOD.
AND THAT HE WILL WORK IT ALL FOR GOOD.
EXACTLY.
AND I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS,
AND I'LL BE HONEST,
IT'S ALMOST A YEAR AFTER, YOU KNOW,
THE DEATH OF OUR DAUGHTER,
AND, YOU KNOW, I ALMOST PASSED AWAY.
AND SO I THINK I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE
THE PERFECT ANSWER YET.
AND WHO KNOWS IF I'LL EVER GET THERE HERE,
BUT I DO KNOW THAT THE STORY CAN BE USED
FOR HIS GLORY,
AND IN ALL THINGS, LIKE HE'S STILL GOOD.
AND I MIGHT BE SEARCHING SOME DAYS FOR THE REASON,
YOU KNOW, THE DAYS THAT I FEEL A LITTLE BIT MORE DOWN
ABOUT JUST NOT HAVING HER HERE WITH US,
BUT I THINK WHEN I DO HAVE THOSE DAYS
AND I LOOK BACK AT ALL THE BLESSINGS I'VE BEEN GIVEN
THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE,
THAT I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT SEE THAT GOD IS FAITHFUL
IN ANY SITUATION.
AND YOU'VE KEPT GOING, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN UP,
AND I THINK THAT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT THING,
IS THAT YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN UP BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I THINK WHEN THE LORD LITERALLY GIVES YOU
A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE,
YOU HAVE TO USE IT.
OKAY. SO LET'S GET INTO THE STORY ABOUT BABY MILA.
YEAH.
SO START US OFF, YOU'RE PREGNANT.
YES.
SO I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT.
I WANT TO SAY IT WAS LIKE JULY OF 2023.
I HAVE TWO OTHER KIDS AS WELL,
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN MY THIRD.
AND JUST FROM THE BEGINNING,
I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT,
EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
ABOUT FIVE WEEKS IN,
I HAD SIGNS THAT MAYBE I WAS HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.
SO I WENT INTO URGENT CARE,
WE WERE ON A TRIP AT THE TIME.
AND I KIND OF JUST ASKED TO GET CHECKED OUT.
AND THE DOCTOR LITERALLY SAID,
YOU'RE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE,
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
GO HOME AND THE REST OF IT WILL COME OUT, I GUESS,
TO BE QUITE FRANK IS WHAT SHE SAID.
SO I HAD BEGGED HER,
ESSENTIALLY FOR A DAY AND A HALF
FOR AN ULTRASOUND.
BECAUSE I KNOW AT THAT SIX-WEEK MARK
YOU CAN SEE A HEARTBEAT.
SO EVENTUALLY I WAS GIVEN THAT.
LO AND BEHOLD, MY INTUITION WAS RIGHT,
I WAS STILL PREGNANT.
IT TURNED OUT I HAD HAD A SUBCHORIONIC HEMORRHAGE,
WHICH IS BASICALLY A BRUISE, IF YOU WILL,
WITHIN THE UTERUS.
BUT TYPICALLY, THEY GO AWAY.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY QUITE COMMON,
AND THEY GO AWAY WITHIN LIKE A WEEK OR SO.
WAS THAT CAUSING THE BLEEDING
THAT MADE YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE?
YEAH, THAT WAS THE MAIN CAUSE.
SO THAT WEEK I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST PRAYING,
OKAY, LORD, IT'S GONNA GO AWAY,
LET EVERYTHING BE FINE.
AND TO MAKE A VERY LONG STORY SOMEWHAT SHORTER,
WE ENDED UP GOING HOME FROM OUR TRIP
A COUPLE WEEKS EARLY
BECAUSE I WAS CONTINUING HAVING THOSE ISSUES.
I WENT AND SAW MY DOCTOR BACK HOME IN ARIZONA.
AND SHE SAID THE HEMORRHAGE HAD ACTUALLY
DOUBLED IN SIZE,
WHICH IS NOT COMMON.
AND SO I WAS PUT ON BEDREST IMMEDIATELY.
I WANT TO SAY IT MAYBE WAS WEEK SEVEN OF MY PREGNANCY.
SEVERE BEDREST AND I HAVE TWO LITTLE ONES AT HOME,
SO IT WAS KIND OF MORE A MENTAL CHALLENGE,
IF YOU WILL.
THROUGHOUT THOSE FEW WEEKS
I CONTINUED TO HAVE HEMORRHAGING.
EVERY WEEK THAT I WENT IN,
I WAS DOING TWICE-A-WEEK CHECKUPS
WITH MY DOCTOR,
JUST BECAUSE I STARTED TO LOSE A LITTLE TOO MUCH BLOOD
ON A DAILY BASIS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
SO YOU WERE BLEEDING LIKE EVERY DAY?
YES.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
DID THEY HAVE TO GIVE YOU, LIKE, TRANSFUSIONS?
YES.
I ENDED UP GOING IN FOR REGULAR TRANSFUSIONS.
AND THE GOAL AT THIS POINT,
IF I COULD MAKE IT,
WAS TO MAKE IT TO WEEK 23.
BECAUSE THAT IS TECHNICALLY THE WEEK OF VIABILITY.
MM-HMM.
EVERY WEEK I WENT IN,
MY HEMORRHAGE HAD SOMEHOW DOUBLED IN SIZE.
YEAH.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOING THE OTHER DIRECTION.
BUT I WOULD SAY WEEK NINE,
MY DOCTOR REALLY STARTED BEGGING ME, IF YOU WILL,
TO TERMINATE.
MY DOCTOR IS NOT NECESSARILY A DOCTOR
THAT WOULD PUSH THAT.
I HAVE HAD CONVERSATIONS WITH HER IN THE PAST
WITH MY PREVIOUS CHILDREN,
SHE IS PRO-LIFE.
OH, WOW.
YEAH. SHE REALLY DIDN'T SEE A SUCCESSFUL EXIT
FOR ME, PERSONALLY
THROUGH THIS PREGNANCY,
LET ALONE THE BABY.
AND SO AT WEEK NINE, AFTER SHE HAD KIND OF ASKED ME THAT,
YOU KNOW, PLEASE, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO
PAST WEEK 15
IN THE STATE OF ARIZONA TO HELP YOU,
OR HAVE AN ABORTION.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO OUT OF STATE
IF WE GET TO THAT POINT.
AND I'LL BE HONEST, REBECCA,
LIKE MY ENTIRE LIFE,
THE LORD HAS REALLY PUT ON MY HEART,
JUSTICE FOR BABIES.
AND THAT'S SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PASSIONATE ABOUT,
SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FIGHT FOR,
JUST THE LIFE OF THE UNBORN.
AND TO BE IN THE POSITION
WHERE YOUR DOCTOR IS BASICALLY BEGGING YOU
TO ABORT YOUR BABY,
FOR YOUR LIFE TO CONTINUE,
I REALLY AT THAT MOMENT FELT THE WEIGHT
OF THE POSITION OF THE WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE,
I THINK THAT I HAD BEEN SPEAKING TO MY WHOLE LIFE.
WOW.
IT WAS TRULY THE LORD
WHO GAVE ME THE STAMINA AND THE STRENGTH,
BUT THERE WAS NOT A MOMENT IN MY MIND
WHERE I EVER FELT INCLINED TO CONSIDER THAT,
TO CONSIDER TO TERMINATE.
AND, YOU KNOW, AS A BELIEVER,
LIKE THAT IS -
IT FEELS SILLY TO SAY LIKE PREGNANCY 101,
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN SOMETHING YOU WOULD CONSIDER.
YEAH.
AND SO TO BE IN THAT POSITION
THAT I KIND OF HAD HEARD ABOUT IN THE PAST,
AND THE WOMEN THAT I WOULD TALK TO,
IT WAS HARD.
BUT I THINK THAT THROUGH THE MEDICAL TRAUMA
I HAD BEEN THROUGH,
THE LORD WAS REALLY PREPARING ME
TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO THOSE WOMEN
NOW THAT I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE,
AND SAY, I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR POSITION BEFORE,
AND LIFE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.
YOUR DOCTOR WAS PRO-LIFE,
BUT SHE WANTED YOU TO ABORT THE BABY.
WAS HER REASONING BASICALLY THAT THIS BABY
IS GOING TO KILL YOU
SO YOU NEED TO GET AN ABORTION,
OR THIS BABY'S NOT GONNA LIVE ANYWAYS?
WHAT WAS HER REASONING BEHIND THAT
SINCE THAT'S NOT REALLY HER STANCE?
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
SHE DID HAVE KIND OF A DUAL PERSPECTIVE.
OKAY.
SHE DID NOT SEE ME MAKING IT PAST
WEEK NINE OF PREGNANCY AT ALL.
YOU OR THE BABY?
THE BABY.
OKAY.
SHE ALSO DID NOT SEE ME MAKING IT
HAD I GOTTEN PAST WEEK NINE OF PREGNANCY
BECAUSE THE BLOOD LOSS WAS SO SEVERE.
YEAH, SO IT WAS, YES, TO TERMINATE TO SAVE MY LIFE,
BUT SHE ALSO DIDN'T THINK THE BABY WOULD MAKE IT AT ALL.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WERE GOING IN
AND THEY WERE SAYING IT'S DOUBLING IN SIZE
INSTEAD OF SHRINKING?
WERE YOU DISCOURAGED?
WHAT WERE YOU FEELING IN THAT MOMENT?
I WAS VERY DISCOURAGED.
IN MY HEART, LIKE IF YOU WERE -
I LITERALLY BET MY LIFE ON IT,
AND IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME,
IN MY HEART OF HEARTS,
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA MAKE IT
AND MY BABY WAS GONNA MAKE IT.
I JUST HAD THIS LIKE PEACE IN MY HEART ABOUT IT.
SO TO HEAR THAT IT HAD DOUBLED
EVERY ULTRASOUND, WHICH IS ONLY LIKE A COUPLE HOURS
REALLY IN BETWEEN,
WAS VERY DISCOURAGING.
AND THROUGH THAT, THOUGH, EVERY ULTRASOUND
MY BABY WAS DOING FINE.
SHE WAS SUCKING HER THUMB, WAVING HI,
DOING ALL THE THINGS YOU HOPE TO SEE
AS WELL ON AN ULTRASOUND.
AND I GOT EVEN MORE DISCOURAGED
AS THE WEEKS WENT ON.
BECAUSE WHEN SHE SAID TO TERMINATE. - YES.
WHAT DID YOUR HUSBAND SAY?
SO WE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF -
MY HUSBAND AND MY PARENTS SUPPORTED ME, HANDS DOWN.
THEY KNEW MY DECISION.
AT THE SAME TIME, MY HUSBAND DIDN'T WANT
HIS WIFE TO DIE.
NO, OBVIOUSLY.
MY PARENTS DIDN'T WANT THEIR DAUGHTER TO DIE.
SO THEY, AT ONE POINT I DO REMEMBER,
THEY WERE VERY CONCERNED THAT I WAS SO HEADSTRONG
AND SO DETERMINED TO NOT TERMINATE.
I DID HAVE ABOUT THREE PERINATAL DOCTORS COME IN,
AND KIND OF GIVE ME THE NUDGE FROM MY OB,
SAYING, HEY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE OUTCOME POSSIBILITIES.
SO WE WENT OVER A LIST OF, HONESTLY,
MAYBE TEN DIFFERENT OUTCOMES.
THAT THE BABY COULD HAVE THIS ISSUE,
YOU COULD HAVE THIS ISSUE.
AND THEY WERE KIND OF BROUGHT IN
TO ENCOURAGE ME TO TERMINATE.
SO WHAT ULTIMATELY MADE YOU DECIDE
NOT TO TERMINATE YOUR DAUGHTER,
IS YOU HAD A PEACE,
AND YOU FELT LIKE THAT WAS FROM THE LORD.
ABSOLUTELY.
AND JUST KNOWING THAT
I'M NOT GONNA TERMINATE MY CHILD,
I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR MY BABY.
I'LL BE HONEST, IT WASN'T EVEN
A BIG DECISION FOR ME.
WOW.
IT WAS JUST THE MOST OBVIOUS THING YOU DO,
YOU DON'T TERMINATE.
AND THAT'S NOT SAYING LIKE FOR ME,
THAT IS LITERALLY FROM GOD THAT HE GAVE ME
THAT PEACE OF MIND,
THAT I COULD JUST STICK THROUGH WITH THAT ANSWER
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY ANSWER.
NO, I'VE EXPERIENCED THAT PEACE
IN VERY DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES
SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THAT PEACE IS FROM GOD.
IT'S BASICALLY AN ANCHOR
AND IT'S BASICALLY TELLING YOU TO TRUST HIM
AND THAT YOU CAN LEAN INTO HIM AND LISTEN TO HIM
AND THAT PEACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE
OUR UMPIRE IN OUR LIFE.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO GUIDE US.
AND SO THIS IS SUCH A POWERFUL AND POIGNANT EXAMPLE
OF HOW, IN SUCH AN EXTREME SITUATION,
HOW IMPERATIVE IT IS TO LISTEN TO THE LORD,
TO LISTEN TO THE HOLY SPIRIT,
AND FOLLOW THAT PEACE.
BECAUSE THAT PEACE WILL NOT LEAD YOU ASTRAY.
SO WEEK TEN, YOU SAID THEY PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL.
IT WAS THE YOUNGEST GESTATION EVER
IN THE HISTORY OF THE HOSPITAL.
YOU WERE THERE FOR TWO WEEKS.
YOU GO HOME, SO I'M ASSUMING THAT
AT SOME POINT IT WAS OKAY
AND THEY SENT YOU BACK,
BUT THEN YOU ENDED UP RIGHT BACK IN.
SO WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
YEAH.
THEY WOULD SEND ME HOME
BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO DO FOR ME.
THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY THEY COULD HELP ME.
SO THEN I'D GO TO LIKE AN OUTPATIENT TRANSFUSION CENTER
INSTEAD OF GETTING BLOOD IN THE HOSPITAL.
EVERY TIME I WENT HOME, THOUGH,
HONESTLY, IT WAS ONE OR TWO DAYS,
AND THEN I'D END UP BACK IN THERE, TWO OR THREE WEEKS.
WOULD YOU LIKE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO MAKE YOU
GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL?
BLEED SO SEVERELY THAT I ALMOST PASS OUT.
I WAS JUST BLEEDING -
I WAS, IT'S LIKE I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO MUCH.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
THE LEVEL OF BLEEDING WAS JUST,
MY BODY COULDN'T PRODUCE ENOUGH BLOOD
TO KEEP UP.
OH, MY GOSH.
I'M SHOCKED THEY SENT YOU HOME.
YEAH, YEAH.
THAT WAS ALSO A PROBLEM.
OH, MY GOSH.
SO YOU ENDED UP BACK IN.
SO YOU COME BACK IN AT WEEK 12,
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED AT WEEK 14?
WEEK 14, SO AT THAT POINT I HAD BEEN IN THERE
TWO WEEKS FOR THIS OTHER STAY.
AT WEEK 14 AND SIX DAYS,
THEY HAD BROUGHT IN THREE DOCTORS,
PERINATAL DOCTORS.
THAT WAS THE LAST DAY THAT THEY COULD HELP ME,
IN TERMS OF DOING A D&C TERMINATION.
OH, IN THE STATE OF ARIZONA.
TO HELP SAVE MY LIFE IN THE STATE OF ARIZONA.
WEEK 15, AND I DENIED, OF COURSE.
I REMEMBER MY PARENTS WERE BAWLING.
MY HUSBAND WAS BAWLING.
AND I HAD THREE PERINATALS SITTING THERE
LIKE BEGGING ME TO MAKE THIS DECISION.
MY DOCTOR THEN CAME IN THE NEXT DAY
WHEN I WAS OFFICIALLY 15 WEEKS,
AND I REMEMBER SHE WAS A LITTLE UPSET THAT MORNING.
SHE SAID YOU HAVE TIED MY HANDS.
MY HANDS ARE OFFICIALLY TIED FOR YOU.
YOU ARE BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU THE OUTCOME
OF WHAT THIS PREGNANCY IS GOING TO BE,
WHETHER YOU'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT OR NOT,
BUT I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
I'M GONNA DO EVERYTHING I CAN
WITH THE WAY THAT YOU HAVE PUT ME IN THIS POSITION.
OH, GOSH.
YES.
AND I ACTUALLY LOVE MY DOCTOR,
BUT SHE, I THINK SHE WAS REALLY SCARED.
SHE'S BEEN A HIGH-RISK OB FOR 40 YEARS
AND SHE'S NEVER HAD THIS SITUATION BEFORE.
SO THE NEXT WEEK AFTER I HAD ANOTHER ULTRASOUND,
I HAD SOME OTHER THINGS.
SO I HAD PLACENTA PREVIA,
IN ADDITION TO THE SUBCHORIONIC HEMORRHAGE.
WHAT'S THAT?
WHERE THE PLACENTA COMPLETELY COVERS YOUR CERVIX,
SO THE CHANCE OF BLEEDING OUT
FROM YOUR PLACENTA IS EXTREMELY HIGH.
SO I HAD ALL OF THESE ISSUES
THAT CIRCLE AROUND, HONESTLY, BLOOD.
AND I THINK AT THE END OF MY PREGNANCY,
THIS IS KIND OF LIKE DOWN THE ROAD FROM THIS STORY,
I JUST REMEMBER LOOKING AT MY DAUGHTER,
WHO WAS IN THE NEWBORN BABY BIN,
YOU KNOW, THE CLEAR BIN, IT'S KIND OF ICONIC,
YOU ALWAYS DREAM OF SEEING YOUR BABY THERE.
AND I WAS SITTING THERE LOOKING AT HER,
AND I WAS LOOKING AT THE BLOOD TRANSFUSION
I WAS RECEIVING,
AND I WAS THINKING, WHY WAS THIS WHOLE PREGNANCY
AN ISSUE WITH BLOOD?
YOU KNOW, AND IT REALLY KIND OF JUST HIT ME
THAT IT WAS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF
LIKE, CHRIST DIED FOR US,
SHED HIS BLOOD FOR US
SO THAT WE CAN LIVE.
AND IT WAS THAT MOMENT, THAT AFTERNOON
AFTER I HAD HER,
AND I WAS RECEIVING MORE BLOOD,
THAT IT REALLY JUST MADE ME APPRECIATE
ON A VERY, VERY MINIMAL LEVEL
THAT GOD GAVE HIS ONLY SON FOR US.
AND NOWHERE NEAR THE EXPERIENCE THAT
GOD WENT THROUGH
SEEING HIS SON DIE,
BUT I THINK IT OPENED A NEW APPRECIATION
AND A NEW WAY FOR ME.
WOW.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU WALKED THROUGH THAT VALLEY
OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,
HE IS WITH YOU THERE.
BUT HE WILL GIVE YOU A REVELATION IN THE TRIAL
THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE ON THE MOUNTAINTOP,
AND THAT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
AND IT JUST TOUCHES ME BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, HAVING KIDS I THINK
IS ONE OF THE CLOSEST EXPERIENCES
TO, YOU KNOW, EXPERIENCING LIKE THE LOVE OF GOD.
YEAH.
THE EASY PARTS AND THE HARD PARTS, YOU KNOW.
SO YOUR OB SAYS, MY HANDS ARE TIED,
IT'S 15 WEEKS.
WHAT HAPPENS FROM THERE?
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO WEEK 23
BECAUSE IF YOU DELIVER YOUR BABY,
IT'S VIABLE OUTSIDE THE WOMB.
WHEN ALL THIS WAS GOING ON
AND THEY WANTED YOU TO ABORT,
AND THE PLACENTA HAD MOVED OVER YOUR CERVIX
AND ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF,
WHEN THEY WOULD DO THE ULTRASOUNDS,
WHAT WAS YOUR BABY LIKE AT THIS POINT?
PERFECT.
REALLY?
YEAH.
SHE WAS PERFECT.
OH, MY GOSH, WOW.
SHE WAS GROWING PERFECTLY.
RIGHT MEASUREMENTS, VERY ACTIVE.
YOU WERE JUST THE ONE THAT WAS LIKE
ALMOST DYING EVERY DAY.
I WAS A TICKING TIME BOMB.
SHE WAVED HI EVERY SINGLE TIME.
AWW.
SHE WAS KICKING, SUCKING HER THUMB.
LITERALLY THE MOST, LIKE A PERFECT HUMAN BEING.
NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER.
THAT WAS AT 15 WEEKS THAT I WAS TOLD MY DOCTOR
HAD HER HANDS TIED.
SO I STAYED IN THERE.
AND WEEK 18, I HAD A SEVERELY SHORT CERVIX.
IT WAS ONE CENTIMETER.
I HAD THE PLACENTA PREVIA,
AND I HAD A SUBCHORIONIC HEMORRHAGE AT THIS POINT.
AT WEEK 18 ALSO, I STARTED HAVING
A PARTIAL PLACENTAL ABRUPTION.
AND THAT'S WHERE THE PLACENTA
STARTS COMING OUT OF THE CERVIX?
PLACENTAL ABRUPTION IS WHEN IT STARTS
DETACHING FROM THE UTERUS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
SO THE BABY ESSENTIALLY COULD -
DIE?
DIE, COULD LOSE ITS OXYGEN.
BECAUSE THE PLACENTA IS WHAT GIVES LIFE
TO THE BABY,
SO IF THE PLACENTA STARTS TO DETACH
THAT'S GONNA BE -
YEAH.
AND IT CAN SURVIVE A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF DETACHMENT.
MINE WAS, AT ONE POINT, IT WAS SOMEWHAT MINIMAL
SO SHE WAS ACTUALLY STILL FINE.
SHE WAS MEASURING PERFECTLY ON TRACK.
STILL ACTIVE.
EVERYTHING.
AND I JUST KIND OF CONTINUED IN THIS PATTERN
OF STAYING IN THE HOSPITAL,
CONTINUING TO GET TRANSFUSIONS.
I STARTED GETTING PLASMA,
I STARTED GETTING IRON TRANSFUSIONS AS WELL.
AND I WAS TOLD WAY BACK,
EVEN FROM WEEK NINE,
MY DOCTOR SAID,
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY BUT EVERY MINUTE YOU ARE PREGNANT
IS A MIRACLE.
WOW.
YES.
AND EVEN THOUGH MY DOCTOR IS PRO-LIFE,
THE FACT THAT SHE KIND OF COULDN'T BELIEVE
THAT MILA WAS STILL KICKING AND GROWING
AND JUST DOING EXACTLY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE DOING
AT THIS STAGE
WAS A TRUE MIRACLE EVERY MINUTE.
SO THAT WAS GREAT.
EVERY MORNING I WOKE UP,
I LIKE THANKED THE LORD, FIRST THING
THAT I WAS ALIVE AND THEN THAT MY DAUGHTER
WAS STILL GROWING.
INSTEAD OF BEING DISCOURAGED,
YOU MORE TOOK AN ATTITUDE AND POSITION OF GRATITUDE
THAT YOU WERE JUST ALIVE ANOTHER DAY
AND THAT BABY MILA WAS STILL GROWING AND WAS OKAY?
OR WAS IT BOTH?
IT WAS ALL THE EMOTIONS?
THERE WERE SOME DAYS WHEN I DID HAVE THE ULTRASOUNDS,
I HAD ULTRASOUNDS TWICE A DAY,
THAT I WAS A BIT DISCOURAGED
IF MY HEMORRHAGE HAD GROWN,
OR IF THEY HADN'T SEEN ANY IMPROVEMENT.
I WAS KIND OF HOPING AND PRAYING
THAT GOD WOULD GIVE ME THE MIRACLE OF
ONE DAY THE ULTRASOUND MAY HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED.
WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLE?
AND I HAD SO MANY ULTRASOUND TECHNICIANS,
NURSES AND DOCTORS,
COMING IN ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
CARDIOLOGISTS, EVERYTHING.
AND I REALLY WANTED TO KIND OF JUST
SHARE THAT MIRACLE WITH THEM.
YEAH.
BECAUSE THEY HAD NEVER SEEN THIS.
IN ALL OF THEIR YEARS OF EXPERTISE,
THEY HAD NEVER SEEN THIS PARTICULAR CONDITION BEFORE.
AND I JUST, EVERY TIME THEY WOULD ASK ME,
LIKE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS LIKE, HONESTLY, I'M PRAYING
AND I'M JUST TRUSTING THAT GOD'S GONNA
GIVE ME THIS MIRACLE.
THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WE NAMED OUR DAUGHTER MILA,
BECAUSE IT MEANS MIRACLE.
OH.
SO WE WERE GENUINELY LIKE,
IF SHE MAKES IT, SHE IS A MIRACLE.
YOU KNOW, EVERY BABY IS,
BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR POSITION,
WE WERE JUST HOPING FOR THAT MIRACLE.
I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT IT WOULD JUST
DISAPPEAR ONE DAY.
BUT IT DIDN'T AND THAT'S OKAY.
REFINED THROUGH TRIALS.
AND I WOULD SAY IT WAS REALLY HARD MENTALLY.
I WOULD LISTEN TO CHRISTIAN MUSIC
ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE STUCK IN A HOSPITAL BED.
IN A HOSPITAL BED.
MY MOM WOULD COME IN.
EVERYONE TRIED VISITING ME.
MY HUSBAND WOULD BRING THE KIDS IN.
BUT YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY IN THERE KIND OF ALONE
WITH THE BABY YOU'RE GROWING,
GOD, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW.
AND I THINK ALSO THAT ISOLATION,
IT JUST MAKES YOU REALIZE
LIKE WHAT YOU NEED TO LIVE.
MM-HMM.
YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR HOUSE FULL OF ALL YOUR THINGS.
YOU DON'T NEED THEM.
YOU REALLY JUST NEED WHAT'S HIDDEN IN YOUR
HEART AT THAT POINT
AND YOUR FAITH AND WHAT YOU CAN RELY ON.
I WOULD SAY THE CULMINATION OF ALL OF IT
REALLY HAPPENED NOVEMBER 8TH.
I STARTED GOING INTO HEAVY LABOR.
HOW FAR WERE YOU AT THIS POINT?
I WAS ALMOST 21 WEEKS.
SO I WAS 20 WEEKS AND SIX DAYS EXACTLY.
I STARTED GOING INTO LABOR WEDNESDAY MORNING,
LIKE 7 A.M.
THEY CALLED MY DOCTOR,
SHE RAN OVER FROM HER HOUSE.
WERE YOU HAVING CONTRACTIONS?
SEVERE CONTRACTIONS, YEAH.
OH, MY GOSH.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
TO BE HONEST, I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN,
AND THEY WEREN'T REGULAR CONTRACTIONS -
BECAUSE YOU HAD TWO BABIES BEFORE.
MM-HMM, YES.
AND WE FOUND OUT LATER IT WASN'T JUST LABOR,
IT WAS PART OF MY PLACENTA ABRUPTION,
WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW AT THE TIME,
BUT APPARENTLY ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL THINGS
YOU CAN EXPERIENCE AS A HUMAN,
I DID NOT KNOW THAT,
BUT IT'S LITERALLY TWO ORGANS TEARING APART.
OH.
YES, I KNOW.
AS IF HAVING A BABY WASN'T HARD ENOUGH.
I HAVE THREE KIDS, THAT'S WHY I'M
JUST DYING OVER HERE.
BECAUSE I JUST IMAGINE HOW PAINFUL THAT WOULD BE.
OH, MY GOSH.
AND I WAS LOSING SO MUCH BLOOD AT THE SAME TIME.
SO I WAS, I WANT TO SAY
I WAS IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
I WAS VERY, VERY DIZZY.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I WAS LOSING SO MUCH THAT I STARTED,
EVERYTHING STARTED TO GO BLURRY.
AND THEY -
I WAS SO CLOSE TO MAKING IT.
AT THAT POINT THEY SAID, YOU KNOW,
THE GOAL'S NOT 23 WEEKS ANYMORE,
IF WE CAN GET YOU TO 22 WEEKS,
YOU KNOW, MILA WOULD HAVE
MAYBE A 30 PERCENT CHANCE OF SURVIVAL.
THAT'S THE SIZE THAT THEY'RE ABLE
TO TRY TO INTUBATE.
AND SO I WAS ONLY SEVEN DAYS AWAY
FROM MAKING IT TO 22 WEEKS.
YOU KNOW, AS A MOM WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT,
A LOT HAPPENS IN SEVEN DAYS.
A LOT HAPPENS IN ONE DAY, YOU KNOW, GROWTH WISE.
AND SO MY GOAL AT THAT POINT WAS 22 WEEKS.
THIS ENTIRE TIME, I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE
PRAYER GROUP OF FRIENDS.
I HAD A TEXT THREAD.
I WAS GONNA ASK YOU ABOUT THAT.
BECAUSE PRAYER WAS IMPERATIVE
IN YOUR SITUATION, RIGHT?
UNBELIEVABLE.
THERE'S SOMETIMES WHEN - I THINK I SKIPPED
A COUPLE THINGS
BECAUSE IN OCTOBER, THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER,
I HAD BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL TWO WEEKS,
THEY SENT ME HOME.
I WAS HOME TWO DAYS.
I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH
AND I STARTED HAVING STROKE SYMPTOMS.
OH, MY GOSH.
I KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE STORY THAT NEVER ENDS.
SO I WAS HOME TWO DAYS.
I STARTED HAVING STROKE SYMPTOMS.
WHAT WERE THEY?
THE ENTIRE RIGHT SIDE OF MY FACE FELL.
OH, MY GOD, I'D BE FREAKED OUT.
I WAS FREAKING OUT.
AND I WAS STILL ON BEDREST, MIND YOU,
SO I HAD BEEN ON BEDREST.
THAT'S SO SCARY.
YEAH.
AND EVERYTHING STARTED TO THEN YET,
GET SUPER SMALL AND BLURRY, COULDN'T SEE.
I STOOD UP AND I SCREAMED FOR MY PARENTS.
THEY CAME RUNNING IN.
DURING THE DAY I STAYED AT MY PARENTS HOUSE
WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS WORKING.
SO I SCREAMED, I SAID, I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE.
MY MOM'S LIKE, THE WHOLE SIDE OF YOUR FACE IS DOWN.
I'M RUSHING YOU TO THE ER.
SO THEY RUSHED ME IN.
I HAD VERY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
I'VE HAD PREECLAMPSIA
WITH A PREVIOUS PREGNANCY,
SO THEY WERE A BIT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
WE DID AN EKG.
THE EKG SHOWED SIGNS OF A STROKE AS WELL.
SO I HAD MY MOM TEXT MY PRAYER GROUP OF GIRLFRIENDS.
SO WHEN YOU HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS
AND YOU'RE AT THE ER,
THEY RUSH YOU INTO AN MRI.
SO I GOT SUCH FAST SERVICE BEING PREGNANT
AND ALL THESE ISSUES I'VE BEEN HAVING.
THEY RUSHED ME INTO AN MRI,
AND MY MOM JUST ASKED MY FRIENDS,
LIKE, PLEASE PRAY NOW.
SHE'S IN THE MRI.
AND WHEN I CAME OUT, THEY REDID AN EKG
AND EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.
WHAT?
DID YOUR FACE GO BACK?
I MEAN OBVIOUSLY, LOOKING AT YOU NOW,
BUT DID IT GO BACK IN THAT MOMENT?
IT WENT BACK AFTER THE MRI, I CAME OUT,
AND I SAID, I THINK I CAN LIFT MY FACE UP AGAIN.
OH, MY GOSH.
AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, YOU LOOK NORMAL.
AND SO THAT WAS ANOTHER REALLY SCARY POINT
OF THIS PREGNANCY.
BUT MY FRIENDS AND MY MOM'S FRIENDS,
MY FAMILY, EVERYONE,
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER.
AND I FEEL LIKE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SUCH
A CHEESY SAYING,
BUT IT GIVES LIFE.
YOU KNOW, IT IS THE ONLY THING.
I ACTUALLY TEXTED MY FRIENDS TODAY
ON MY PRAYER GROUP,
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN
BECAUSE I'M ALMOST A YEAR LATER,
I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR PRAYERS.
WOW.
THEY PRAY FOR ME EVERY DAY.
MY FRIENDS GOT TOGETHER
IN MY OTHER FRIEND'S HOUSE,
ALL TOGETHER AND THEY LAID HANDS ON EACH OTHER
TO PRAY FOR ME.
WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL,
FRIENDS CAME TO THE HOSPITAL AND PRAYED OVER ME.
IT'S JUST LIKE I KNOW THE OUTCOME
WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
IF IT WASN'T FOR PRAYER,
100 PERCENT.
AND SO AFTER THAT, YOU WERE ABLE TO GO
ALMOST FOUR MORE WEEKS
BECAUSE YOU ALMOST HIT 21?
SO I WAS, SO NOVEMBER 8TH WHEN I WENT INTO LABOR,
THAT WEDNESDAY,
THEY PUT ME ON A MAG DRIP,
MAGNESIUM DRIP,
WHICH, TO BE HONEST, CAN BE REALLY MISERABLE.
IT'S A REALLY HIGH LEVEL OF MAGNESIUM,
SO IT MAKES YOU EXTREMELY GROGGY
AND KIND OF MISERABLE.
MY DOCTOR SUGGESTED I STAY ON IT
AS LONG AS I CAN, THREE TO FOUR WEEKS IF I COULD.
I SAID, I DON'T CARE.
I'M SITTING IN A HOSPITAL ROOM ANYWAYS,
LET'S TRY IT.
WE STARTED THAT.
THAT HELPED ME GET THROUGH THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
WHILE I WAS STILL ON A MAG DRIP,
THE NEXT MORNING, NOVEMBER 9TH,
I HAD SEVERE, SEVERE PAIN.
MY HUSBAND HAPPENED TO GO HOME.
HE SPENT THE NIGHT,
BUT HE HAD HAPPENED TO GO HOME
AT LIKE 6 A.M. THAT MORNING.
TOOK A SHOWER, GET FRESHENED UP,
SAY HI TO THE KIDS,
AND HE CAME BACK.
AND SO AT 8 A.M., HE WAS BACK.
HE HAD SOME CALLS.
SO I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HAD EXTREME HEMORRHAGING
ALL AT ONCE.
I HAD PUSHED MY CALL BUTTON
FOR MY NURSE TO COME.
NO ONE CAME.
WHAT?
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.
BECAUSE THEY WERE BUSY.
IT'S NOT THAT THEY REFUSED TO COME,
BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME
WHEN I KNEW IN MY HEART,
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
I STARTED TO GET SO DIZZY
I COULDN'T THINK STRAIGHT.
SO I TEXT MY HUSBAND,
I REALLY NEED HELP ASAP.
PLEASE COME IN.
HE CAME IN.
I WAS HEMORRHAGING SO MUCH
THAT THE ROOM WAS -
YOU COULD SEE HOW MUCH I WAS HEMORRHAGING.
THERE WAS A REALLY BIG ISSUE.
SO HE RAN TO GO FIND A NURSE.
COULDN'T FIND ANYBODY.
RAN TO LABOR AND DELIVERY.
HE FOUND THE HEAD NURSE AT LABOR AND DELIVERY,
HE SAID, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MY WIFE'S IN ANTEPARTUM,
SHE NEEDS HELP.
HE'S LIKE, SHE'S HEMORRHAGING.
AND SO SHE CAME OVER,
SHE PUSHED, IT'S LIKE A CODE RED BUTTON,
IF YOU'RE HEMORRHAGING TOO MUCH
AND YOUR LIFE IS AT RISK.
SO CODE RED.
AND THE MASS TRANSFUSION TEAM COMES UP.
AT THAT POINT I HAD PRECAUTIONARY FOUR LINES IN,
IN CASE THIS EVER HAPPENS
THEY WOULD HAVE FOUR LINES TO DELIVER BLOOD.
AND SO THEY STARTED MASS TRANSFUSING ME BY HAND.
ALL THE NURSES CAME IN.
I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE NURSE TEAM.
I WILL SAY ALSO, MY NURSES PRAYED OVER ME EVERY DAY.
AND THAT WAS SUCH A BLESSING.
LIKE, IF YOU'RE A NURSE AND YOU'RE OUT THERE
AND YOU PRAY OVER YOUR PATIENTS,
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER.
I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR THEM.
I STILL TALK TO A LOT OF THEM TODAY.
SO THE MASS TRANSFUSION TEAM CAME IN
AND THEY WERE HAND-PUMPING BLOOD IN ME.
USUALLY IT GOES THROUGH A WARMER
AND I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN,
I WAS SO LIGHT-HEADED AND DIZZY,
AND THE THING I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE OF THE MOST
OUT OF ALL OF THIS, WAS THE COLD,
FROM THE BLOOD NOT BEING WARMED UP.
THEY COULDN'T WAIT TO DO THAT?
THERE WAS NO TIME.
SO THEY WERE PUMPING FOUR UNITS OF BLOOD
IN ME AT A TIME.
AND -
SO YOU FELT SUPER COLD.
YOU FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO TAKE YOU OUT.
YES.
YEAH.
AND I JUST THINK, YOU KNOW,
IT'S ANOTHER MOMENT OF LIKE
LOOKING BACK, REALIZATION,
THAT WHEN CHRIST WAS ON THE CROSS
AND HE LOST ALL THAT BLOOD AS WELL.
WAY DIFFERENT LEVEL, BUT HE MUST HAVE FELT
SO COLD, YOU KNOW.
AND THAT'S JUST A FEELING THAT
IT'S SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM BEING IN THE SNOW,
BEING IN THE AC.
IT'S LIKE A COLD OF DEATH.
AND IT'S A REALLY, IT'S A REALLY -
A MOMENT THAT STOOD OUT TO ME
AND I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT FEELING,
JUST GOING THROUGH THAT,
THE PAIN, THE DIZZINESS, LIGHT-HEADEDNESS,
IT WAS ON ANOTHER LEVEL.
AND I REMEMBER I COULD BARELY PUT WORDS TOGETHER
BECAUSE I WAS JUST ON MY WAY DOWN.
AND I TOLD MY HUSBAND,
I WAS LIKE, I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA MAKE IT.
SO THEY CONTINUED PUMPING BLOOD IN.
AND THEY CALLED MY DOCTOR, MY DOCTOR RUSHED OVER.
AND ONE THING -
I FORGOT ONE STORY.
THIS IS LIKE MY FAVORITE ANSWER TO PRAYER
TO THIS WHOLE THING,
I DON'T KNOW HOW I FORGOT IT.
OKAY.
SO NOVEMBER 8TH WHEN I STARTED GOING INTO LABOR,
THEY PUT ME ON THE MAG DRIP.
THEY DID THE ULTRASOUND THAT AFTERNOON.
AND MILA'S HEARTBEAT WAS EXACTLY 144 BEATS PER MINUTE
THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY.
WASN'T 145, 143.
IT'S 144 EXACTLY, EVERY ULTRASOUND.
AND THEY GENUINELY COULDN'T BELIEVE
THAT SHE WAS STILL PERFECT, YOU KNOW.
I HAD ASKED MY NURSE THAT MORNING
THAT I STARTED GOING INTO LABOR,
WHAT HEARTBEAT OF A BABY
DO YOU SEE IN UTERO,
WHEN DOES IT HIT A CERTAIN LEVEL
AND WHAT IS THAT LEVEL
THAT THE BABY CANNOT RECOVER FROM?
IF YOU SEE THAT HEARTBEAT LEVEL,
WHAT IS THAT NUMBER?
SHE SAID 70.
WHEN A BABY HITS 70 IN THE WOMB TYPICALLY
NEVER COMES -
CAN'T RECOVER FROM THAT.
AND SO THIS WAS THE FIRST DAY
IN MY ENTIRE PREGNANCY I PRAYED AND ASKED GOD LIKE,
THIS WAS THE FIRST DAY I REALLY KIND OF DECIDED
IN MY HEART, MAYBE THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.
AND MY WHOLE PRAYER THE ENTIRE TIME WAS,
LORD, IF THIS BABY'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
WITH ME ON EARTH,
LIKE THAT'S YOUR DECISION.
THAT'S NOT MY DECISION.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THAT DECISION.
YOU KNOW, PLEASE LET THAT BE YOUR ACT, NOT MINE.
AND THAT AFTERNOON,
AFTER I ASKED THE NURSE AND SHE SAID,
WHEN IT HITS 70 BEATS PER MINUTE,
THAT'S WHEN THE BABY DOESN'T COME BACK.
I REALLY, IN MY HEART, HAD A FEELING
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
I DON'T THINK MILA'S GONNA MAKE IT.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME, AFTER ALMOST SIX MONTHS,
YOU KNOW, FIVE MONTHS OF PREGNANCY.
AND I JUST REMEMBER PRAYING,
LORD, I ASK IF THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO TAKE MILA,
PLEASE MAKE HER HEARTBEAT 70 BEATS PER MINUTE.
THAT WAS MY PRAYER.
THAT WAY - IT'S LIKE I'M BARGAINING WITH GOD.
I'M NOT BARGAINING WITH HIM,
BUT I'M JUST ASKING HIM TO SHOW ME
THAT IT'S HIS JOB AND NOT MINE.
AND SO I SAID, LORD, IF IT'S 70 BEATS PER MINUTE,
I WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE TAKING HER
AND THAT MY WORK HERE IS DONE WITH THIS PREGNANCY.
AND THE NEXT MORNING,
WHEN I WENT INTO SEVERE LABOR,
AND MY DOCTOR RUSHED IN,
AND I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT I SIGNED
BECAUSE I WAS NOT MENTALLY CAPABLE
OF UNDERSTANDING MUCH, TO BE HONEST.
I SIGNED A FORM THAT SAID I COULD HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY
IF I NEEDED IT TO SAVE MY LIFE.
I SIGNED A FORM SAYING
I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT OF SURGERY.
OH, MY GOSH.
AT THAT MOMENT, MY DOCTOR RUSHED IN,
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, I PROBABLY HAD 20 PEOPLE
IN THE ROOM.
AND THEY DID ONE FINAL ULTRASOUND
BEFORE THEY TAKE YOU INTO THE O.R. TO CONFIRM,
YOU KNOW, THAT THE BABY IS MAYBE NOT DOING WELL,
OR MAYBE THE BABY IS DOING WELL.
BECAUSE MY DOCTOR WAS REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT DELIVERING MILA
IF SHE WAS STILL PERFECTLY FINE.
SO THAT MORNING, SHE PUT THE ULTRASOUND MACHINE ON,
THEY GOT A HEARTBEAT.
MILA'S HEARTBEAT WAS EXACTLY 70 HEARTBEATS PER MINUTE.
WOW.
AND IT WASN'T 69, IT WASN'T 71.
IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED GOD,
YOU KNOW, IF THIS IS YOUR WILL AND NOT MINE,
LET ME KNOW, AND HE DID.
AND AT THAT MOMENT, I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN,
I JUST REMEMBER LIKE FEELING THIS PEACE
COME OVER ME.
AND I KNOW IT SOUNDS REALLY SILLY,
BUT IT DID FEEL WARM.
AND I WAS HAVING ALL THIS COLD BLOOD PUMPED INTO ME
AND I FELT THIS WARMTH OF LIKE
PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING
AND JUST CONFIRMATION
THAT I'M DOING THIS.
YOU CHOSE AS FAR AS YOU COULD TO GIVE HER LIFE,
AND I'M GONNA TAKE HER HOME.
AND IN THAT MOMENT, I REALLY DID HAVE
A SIGH OF RELIEF, IF YOU WILL.
I KIND OF FELT,
I THINK I'M GONNA LIVE.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS STILL A BIG QUESTION MARK.
I THINK I'M GONNA LIVE.
AND THEY RUSHED ME INTO THE O.R.
I DIDN'T GET TO SAY BYE TO ANYBODY.
I STILL HAD LIKE MY REGULAR CLOTHES ON.
THEY JUST CUT THROUGH IT ALL.
AND IN THE O.R., I REMEMBER I WAS FIGHTING THEM.
THEY'RE TRYING TO PUT -
THEY WERE TRYING TO INTUBATE ME
AND I WAS JUST FIGHTING SO HARD
BECAUSE I WAS SO UPSET.
I WAS ONLY SEVEN DAYS AWAY FROM HER MAKING IT.
BUT AS SOON AS I KIND OF LET THEM START
TO LIKE INTUBATE ME
AND GIVE ME ANESTHESIA,
I HAD THIS WEIRD PEACE THAT I TRULY
CANNOT PUT INTO WORDS.
I FELT, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW,
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE I COULD HAVE DIED.
BUT I FEEL SO AT PEACE IN MY SOUL
THAT I'M GONNA SEE THE LORD.
AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS
YOU KIND OF HOPE FOR HERE ON EARTH,
LIKE, WHEN I DIE, I THINK I'M GONNA GO
TO HEAVEN, YOU KNOW.
AND AS BELIEVERS WE HAVE THAT CONFIDENCE THAT WE DO,
BUT EVEN AS BELIEVERS, WE'RE HUMAN.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS MAYBE SOMEWHAT SORT OF LIKE,
DID I DO ENOUGH?
DID I PRAY ENOUGH?
AND THAT MOMENT, I WAS SO BLESSED THAT THE LORD
KIND OF GAVE ME THAT PEACE OF
IF YOU DIE RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SEE YOU.
THE ASSURANCE OF YOUR SALVATION.
YEAH.
BECAUSE WE CAN HAVE THOSE MOMENTS OF DOUBT,
BUT THE TRUTH IS IT'S BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID
THAT WE'RE ASSURED.
AND HE GAVE YOU PEACE
THAT WHATEVER'S GONNA HAPPEN WITH YOU,
LIKE, I'VE GOT YOU.
YEAH.
AND SO THEY TAKE YOU INTO SURGERY?
MM-HMM.
SO DID THEY -
SO YOU WERE IN LABOR.
WHAT HAPPENED, DID YOU DELIVER THE BABY
OR DID THEY C-SECTION THE BABY?
YEAH.
SO I HAD AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION.
THEY HAD TO CUT FOR A HYSTERECTOMY,
SO I HAD A BIT MORE RECOVERY
THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED.
BUT IN SURGERY, MY DOCTOR SAID SHE HAD NEVER SEEN
A PLACENTA LIKE THIS IN HER LIFE.
IT WAS COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATED.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW MILA HAD MADE IT
THE LAST WEEK OR MONTH OR ANYTHING.
COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATED.
FOR ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE,
THEY'LL PROBABLY UNDERSTAND
WHEN SHE OPENED ME UP,
IT LITERALLY LIKE FELL OUT,
IS WHAT SHE SAID.
THERE'S NO EXPLANATION FOR WHY MY BABY MADE IT
AS FAR AS SHE DID.
REALLY?
YES.
AND MY - MILA WAS PERFECT.
I WENT SEPTIC, SO I HAD TO BE TREATED FOR SEPSIS.
AND I THINK ANOTHER BLESSING IS THAT
THE AMNIOTIC FLUID
AND THE SAC THAT MILA HAD AROUND HER,
THE SEPSIS HADN'T EVEN LIKE TOUCHED HER.
SO SHE WAS NEVER IN PAIN.
WHICH IS KIND OF A MIRACLE IN ITSELF.
NO, THAT'S A MIRACLE.
SHE NEVER FELT PAIN.
SHE ONLY FELT LOVE.
SHE ONLY FELT LIFE.
AS I SAID, I'M REALLY CLOSE WITH THE NURSES.
SO I HAD ASKED THE NURSE WHO HELD HER
HER ENTIRE LIFE -
SHE WAS BORN ALIVE.
SO SHE WAS BORN ALIVE.
SHE WAS BORN EXACTLY AT 21 WEEKS
TO LIVE EXACTLY 21 MINUTES.
AND HER DUE DATE WAS MARCH 21ST.
WOW.
AND SO I BELIEVE THE LORD USES NUMBERS.
I DO, TOO.
YOU KNOW, FOR, HE HAS SO MANY REASONS,
BUT THE NUMBER 21 IN THE HEBREW ALPHABET IS SHIN,
IS THE SHIN.
AND ANOTHER NAME FOR GOD IS ALMIGHTY,
AND DIVINE POWER.
AND SO I WOULD SAY, I THINK THE LORD BLESSED ME
WITH THAT AS WELL,
THAT THERE WERE THREE INSTANCES WHERE 21
WAS ON HER LIFE.
AND THE PRODUCER JUST SHOWED ME,
TODAY IS THE 21ST.
STOP IT.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
ONLY GOD.
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT, HOW WILD.
THAT'S THE THING, HE CARES ABOUT
EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
EVEN A YEAR LATER HE'S GIVING ME -
HE'S BEING FAITHFUL TO YOU.
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO BE ON
THIS PODCAST, YOU KNOW,
BUT YOU WANTED TO TELL HER STORY.
SO GOD OPENED UP THE DOOR.
YEAH. SORRY.
NO, DON'T.
I SAID I'M NOT GONNA CRY, BUT I DO.
IT'S OKAY.
BUT I THINK ANOTHER BIG THING IS,
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE -
THANKS.
OH, MY GOSH, THIS IS CRAZY.
IT'S HARD.
ONCE YOU START IT'S HARD TO STOP.
IT IS, IT'S SO HARD.
SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR TIME.
IT'S OKAY TO CRY.
I CRY ON HERE ALL THE TIME.
I THINK IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE
SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SURVIVE, YOU KNOW.
AND I PERSONALLY DIDN'T KNOW
BABIES BORN AT 21 WEEKS COULD SURVIVE ON THEIR OWN,
EVEN IF IT WAS FOR A MINUTE.
YOU KNOW, THAT IS EVEN LIFE.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE,
I'VE GOTTEN COMMENTS LIKE,
OH, SHE WAS ONLY 21 WEEKS.
YEAH, BUT SHE LIVED 21 MINUTES ON HER OWN.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIFE.
SHE LIVED 21 MINUTES.
SHE LIVED OUTSIDE THE WOMB.
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN 21 YEARS OLD.
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A HUNDRED.
IT'S STILL A LIFE, YOU KNOW.
AND I THINK JUST A REALLY BIG PART OF THIS
THAT HAS REALLY LIKE MOTIVATED ME,
IF YOU WILL,
IS THAT ABORTIONS ARE STILL HAPPENING AT 21 WEEKS.
AND I THINK IT'S JUST THAT WOMEN HAVE BEEN TOLD A LIE,
THAT IT'S NOT A BABY YET.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ONLY A LITTLE OVER HALFWAY
DONE WITH YOUR PREGNANCY.
WHEN IN REALITY, LIKE MY DAUGHTER,
SHE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MY OLDEST DAUGHTER.
SHE HAD FEATURES THAT I COULD MAKE OUT AND SEE,
AND I COULD SEE HER HAIR.
AND SHE LIVED AND SHE BREATHED ON HER OWN.
AND IT MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN 21 MINUTES,
BUT THAT'S HOW LONG GOD HAD HER LIFE FOR.
IT STILL COUNTS.
IT STILL COUNTS. IT STILL COUNTS.
AND THE NURSE WHO WAS HANDED HER, YES,
CINDY, SHE'S AN INCREDIBLE,
INCREDIBLE PERSON.
SHE HELD HER HER ENTIRE 21 MINUTES,
AND SHE WROTE ME THE NICEST E-MAIL
TELLING ME THAT SHE SPOKE LIFE INTO HER.
OH, THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
SHE SPOKE TRUTH INTO HER.
SHE TOLD HER YOUR MOMMY FOUGHT SO HARD FOR YOU
TO BE ABLE TO LIVE PAST THIS.
AND I KNOW THAT WHEN MILA DID TAKE HER LAST BREATH,
SHE SAW THE FACE OF JESUS.
AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE
THE NURSE WHO WAS HOLDING HER
HER ENTIRE LIFE SAID,
SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH AND THEN SHE SMILED.
OH, MY GOSH.
AND WHEN I FIRST GOT TO HOLD HER AFTER I WOKE UP
FROM SURGERY,
SHE WAS STILL SMILING.
NO.
YES.
AND I KNOW THAT IT'S JUST BECAUSE SHE SAW THE LORD.
AND SHE WAS LIKE, OH, YOU KNOW,
WHAT A NICE THING TO FIRST SEE.
YEAH, SERIOUSLY.
YOU'RE IN YOUR MOM'S WOMB
AND THEN THE FIRST THING YOU GET TO SEE IS JESUS.
THAT IS THE LIFE I WOULD LIKE.
BUT, YEAH, AND SHE HAD ONE HAND UP BY HER FACE
AND THE OTHER ONE ON HER HEART
AND THEN SHE SMILED
AND THAT WAS HER LAST BREATH.
AND, YEAH, I THINK IT'S JUST IMPORTANT
LIKE THROUGH THIS WHOLE STORY,
YOU KNOW, I'VE FOUGHT FOR ABORTION,
FOR PRO-LIFE TO SAVE BABIES.
I WAS MISS ARIZONA U.S.A.
A MILLION YEARS AGO.
AND I REALIZED IT'S PROBABLY HARD
FOR A WOMAN WHO'S IN A REALLY HARD SITUATION, PREGNANT,
TO BE TOLD DON'T ABORT,
SAVE YOUR BABY.
BY A WOMAN WHO'S IN A CROWN AND A SPARKLE DRESS
WHO HADN'T HAD KIDS YET.
COMPARED TO NOW, I'M A MOM OF THREE, ONE'S IN HEAVEN.
I DID HAVE A LIFE-ALTERING PREGNANCY.
I ALMOST DIED.
I LOST 40 PERCENT OF MY BLOOD
AND MY ORGANS SHOULD HAVE SHUT DOWN.
BUT I THINK GOD GAVE ME THAT EXPERIENCE
TO HELP ME RELATE TO WOMEN
WHO ARE IN A HARD POSITION.
AND I CAN'T PROMISE THAT LIKE THE LORD IS
GONNA SAVE EVERYBODY
WHO'S IN THIS POSITION,
YOU KNOW, THE MOMS.
IT'S A BAD WORLD, YOU KNOW,
BUT I KNOW THAT I CAN DO WHAT I CAN DO
WITH THE STORY THAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN,
TO TRY TO SAVE BABIES.
AND SO I'M JUST PRAYING THAT MILA'S STORY,
TO TEACH OTHERS LIKE AT 21 WEEKS,
SHE LIVED ON HER OWN,
SHE WAS A FULL BABY.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT CAN CHANGE ONE MOM'S MIND
TO NOT ABORT,
EVEN LATE TERM, EARLY, HOWEVER FAR ALONG THEY ARE.
YEAH.
AND LIKE YOU SAID, YOU CAN'T PROMISE AN OUTCOME,
BUT YOU CAN PROMISE THAT GOD IS FAITHFUL.
YEAH.
AND HE PROVED THAT TO YOU THROUGH YOUR STORY.
THE THING THAT REALLY STRIKES ME,
I'LL TRY TO SAY THIS WITHOUT CRYING,
IS THAT LIKE IF YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE ABORTION,
SHE WOULD HAVE FELT THAT, YOU KNOW.
PEOPLE TRY TO JUSTIFY IT,
BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,
IS THAT THE BABY IS ALIVE.
THE BABY CAN FEEL
AND SHE WOULD HAVE FELT THAT.
AND INSTEAD, YOU GAVE YOUR DAUGHTER
THE GIFT OF LIFE.
AND YOU ALLOWED HER TO LIVE AND FEEL YOUR LOVE.
AND YOU WERE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR THAT.
AND I CAN'T THINK OF A GREATER EXAMPLE
OF GOD'S LOVE THAN THAT.
BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS
NO GREATER LOVE THAN THIS
THAT A MAN WOULD LAY HIS LIFE DOWN FOR HIS FRIENDS.
RIGHT?
AND IT EVEN STRIKES ME
IS THAT IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD THAT ABORTION
SHE WOULD HAVE FELT IT,
AND WHEN THEY GOT HER, SHE WAS COMPLETELY UNAFFECTED.
SO SHE NEVER FELT PAIN.
SHE ALWAYS FELT YOUR LOVE.
AND THEN SHE WAS ALIVE ON THIS EARTH.
SHE WAS PUT INTO ARMS OF LOVE
AND THEN SHE GOT TO MEET JESUS FACE TO FACE.
SO MILA ONLY KNEW LOVE.
AND IF YOU WOULD HAVE ABORTED THAT,
YOU WOULD HAVE HAD TO LIVE,
IF YOU WOULD HAVE ABORTED YOUR DAUGHTER,
YOU WOULD HAVE TO LIVE
WITH KNOWING THAT.
BECAUSE ABORTION AFFECTS WOMEN.
DRASTICALLY.
PEOPLE DON'T SAY IT, AND IT'S LIKE,
IT'S TRAUMATIC.
AND YOU WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.
INSTEAD, EVEN THOUGH IT ALMOST TOOK YOU,
YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE PEACE,
YOU FOLLOWED THAT PEACE GOD GAVE YOU
AND YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE PEACE
THAT I GAVE MY DAUGHTER LIFE.
I CHOSE LIFE.
AND YOU WERE KIND OF LIKE,
IF I PERISH, I PERISH, BUT I'M CHOOSING LIFE.
BUT GOD WAS FAITHFUL, HE SUSTAINED YOU.
HE SUSTAINED MILA UP TO THAT TIME.
HE SUSTAINED HER 21 MINUTES.
HER PLACENTA WAS GONE.
LIKE, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED AS LONG AS SHE DID.
AND SO EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT THE OUTCOME
THAT YOU WANTED,
OBVIOUSLY YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DAUGHTER HERE,
IT'S STILL A MIRACLE.
AND OF COURSE WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE ANSWERS
AND IT'S STILL GONNA HURT.
IT HAS TO STILL HURT.
MM-HMM.
SO IT'S NOT TO NEGATE ANY OF THAT PAIN.
BUT GOD WAS FAITHFUL
EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR CHOOSING LIFE,
FOR FIGHTING WHEN SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND YOU
WERE SAYING TO, YOU KNOW, GET THE ABORTION.
AND WILLING TO JUST LAY YOUR LIFE DOWN
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.
IT'S A POWERFUL STORY.
SO I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT,
SO YOU WAKE UP FROM SURGERY.
OH, YEAH.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
WAS SHE JUST RIGHT THERE?
NO.
SO ONE OF THE MOST -
WHERE WAS YOUR HUSBAND?
MY HUSBAND WAS THERE.
MY HUSBAND WAS LIKE ON THE FLOOR CRYING
THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS IN SURGERY.
I WAS IN SURGERY ABOUT THREE HOURS.
DID THEY LET HIM BE IN THERE?
NO.
THIS WAS A -
THIS WAS A, IT WAS LIKE AN EMERGENCY.
YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
SO MY DOCTOR LITERALLY LEFT HER APPOINTMENTS,
SHE LEFT A PATIENT IN THE ROOM.
MY DOCTOR AND I WERE REALLY CLOSE.
WE TEXTED EVERY DAY.
SHE CAME AND SAW ME EVERY DAY ON HER LUNCH BREAK.
AND WHEN THEY RUSHED ME BACK,
THEY WERE RUNNING TO THE E.R., THE O.R.
BECAUSE I TOLD YOU I WAS HEMORRHAGING SO MUCH.
IT WAS A LOT.
AND THEY HAD BOWLS THAT THEY WERE FILLING UP.
AND IT WAS JUST A POINT WHERE IT WAS -
WITH BLOOD?
MM-HMM.
OH, MY GOSH.
I GENUINELY SHOULDN'T BE HERE BECAUSE I LOST
OVER 35 PERCENT
OF ALL THE BLOOD IN MY BODY.
AND WHEN YOU HIT 35 PERCENT
YOUR ORGANS START SHUTTING DOWN.
THEY JUST DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOOD TO PUMP.
SO IF IT WASN'T FOR -
WHICH IS A FUNNY STORY, TOO, CINDY,
SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS PUMPING THE BLOOD IN ME
IN THE MASS TRANSFUSION
RIGHT BEFORE I WENT INTO THE O.R.
AND SHE'S ALSO THE NURSE WHO HELD MY BABY
HER ENTIRE LIFE.
SO THANK YOU, CINDY.
SO I WENT - RUSHED INTO THE O.R.
I REMEMBER WAKING UP IN THE ROOM.
I WAS STILL IN MY LIKE REGULAR CLOTHES.
I WASN'T IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.
BECAUSE I HAD BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL SO LONG,
THERE WAS NO POINT.
JUST BRING YOUR NORMAL CLOTHES.
SO I WOKE UP
AND I WAS VERY OUT OF IT.
AND I TOLD MY DOCTOR,
I FEEL GREAT.
AND I DON'T THINK MY BRAIN HAD CLICKED YET
WITH EVERYTHING
BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH SEVERE PAIN BEFORE.
YEAH, FOR SO LONG.
SO YOU FINALLY HAD RELIEF.
YES, FOR OVER FIVE MONTHS I WAS IN SUCH PAIN,
THAT I WOKE UP AND THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER SAYING
WAS I FEEL SO GOOD.
I FEEL GOOD.
AND ONE SPECIAL NURSE POSITION,
WHICH MAYBE I'M IGNORANT,
I DIDN'T KNOW IT EXISTED, IT'S A BEREAVEMENT NURSE.
YEAH.
AND I JUST HADN'T EXPERIENCED THE NEED
FOR THAT YET IN MY LIFE,
AND I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE BEREAVEMENT NURSE.
AFTER I HAD KIND OF WOKEN UP
AND HAD SOME WATER,
MAYBE 20 MINUTES LATER SHE SAID,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET MISS MILA?
AND I SAID, OF COURSE.
I WANT TO SEE MY BABY.
AND THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN
WHEN YOU GO THROUGH MEDICAL TRAUMA.
YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T PROCESS THINGS PROPERLY.
AND SO I HAD A BOUT FOR LIKE A MONTH,
SOMETIMES I STILL HAVE IT EVEN A YEAR LATER.
I HAD A BOUT OF LIKE PHANTOM BABY,
I THINK IS WHAT MY THERAPIST HAD CALLED IT.
WHERE IT DIDN'T PROCESS THAT SHE WASN'T ALIVE.
AND SO SHE BRINGS HER IN
AND SHE'S WRAPPED BEAUTIFULLY.
THE BEREAVEMENT PROGRAM AT HONOR HEALTH WAS AMAZING.
THEY HAVE BEAUTIFUL BLANKETS.
EVERYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE FOR A BABY.
AND MILA WAS WRAPPED IN PINK BLANKETS,
AND I GOT TO HOLD HER.
THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I SAW HER WAS
SHE LOOKS LIKE MY DAUGHTER, SIENNA,
MY OLDER DAUGHTER.
AND TWINS, THEY COULD HAVE BEEN TWINS.
AND SHE STILL HAD HER SMILE ON HER FACE
AND HER HAND UP AND ON HER CHEST.
AND IT WAS A LOT.
YOU LOOK AT HER,
I THOUGHT SHE LOOKED LIKE MY OLDEST DAUGHTER,
AND THEN I JUST STARTED CRYING.
BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO -
IT'S REALLY HARD TO PROCESS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GO IN THINKING
YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE WITH A BABY
AND THEN YOU DO, YOU END UP LEAVING WITH A BOX
OF LIKE, HANDPRINTS AND A GRIEF BOOK
AND A CD ON HOW TO GET THROUGH THE NEXT MONTH.
BUT I THINK WHAT I LOVED THE MOST ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE
AFTER HAVING HER,
WAS THE RESPECT THAT PEOPLE SHOWED MILA.
AWW.
SHE WAS A REAL HUMAN TO ALL THE NURSES.
TO EVERYBODY.
THEY CALLED HER MILA.
OH, LOOK HOW PRETTY MILA IS.
THEY CALLED HER BY HER NAME.
AND IT BREAKS MY HEART TO THINK ABOUT THE BABIES WHO,
YOU KNOW, ARE ABORTED, TECHNICALLY BORN
AT THAT PHASE AREN'T GIVEN A NAME,
THEY'RE NOT RESPECTED.
THEY'RE NOT GIVEN THAT CHANCE
OF BEING ACKNOWLEDGED AS A HUMAN.
THAT'S REALLY HARD TO THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WAS.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO HOLD HER.
MY KIDS WERE THE ONES
THAT REALLY BROKE ME
WHEN THEY CAME IN.
THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.
HOW OLD WERE THEY AT THE TIME?
SO MY SON WAS THREE AND MY DAUGHTER WAS FIVE.
MY SON WASN'T IN SCHOOL YET,
BUT MY DAUGHTER WAS.
SO MY DAD ACTUALLY WENT TO GO GET THE KIDS FROM SCHOOL
BECAUSE MY MOM WAS WITH ME
AND MY HUSBAND WAS WITH ME.
AND MY DAUGHTER -
MY KIDS WERE SO EXCITED FOR THE BABY.
THEY WOULD FEEL HER KICK EVERY DAY.
THEY WOULD GO AND BUY HER TOYS.
LIKE, WE'D GO TO TARGET OR WHEREVER
AND THEY HAD TO BUY MILA SOMETHING.
THEY DREW HER PICTURES,
LIKE, WELCOME BABY MILA.
WE HAD HER LITTLE ROOM SET UP AND ALL THAT.
AND I REMEMBER MY DAUGHTER WALKED IN,
I WAS SITTING THERE, MILA WAS IN THE BABY CRIB
NEXT TO THE BED WITH THE BLANKET OVER HER.
AND MY DAUGHTER WALKED IN AND SHE SAW THE BABY CRIB,
AND SHE'S LIKE, MOMMY, WHY DO YOU HAVE BABY THING HERE?
AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED.
AND I SAID, GET UP HERE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
AND SO I PUT HER ON THE BED WITH ME.
AND I SAID, I DID HAVE BABY MILA.
I HAD HER THIS MORNING.
AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED.
AND THEN, THIS WAS LIKE THE HARDEST PART
OF ACTUALLY THE WHOLE PREGNANCY.
I SAID, SHE DIDN'T MAKE IT.
SHE WAS BORN SEVEN DAYS TOO EARLY.
SHE COULDN'T LIVE.
SHE JUST STARTED BAWLING.
MY DAUGHTER IS LIKE THE SWEETEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
AND I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO HOLD HER?
SHE SAID, OF COURSE, SHE'S MY SISTER.
AND SO I GOT HER OUT
AND UNCOVERED HER.
AND SHE'S TINY, SHE'S 21 WEEKS.
SO SHE HELD HER AND SHE BAWLED THE REST OF THE DAY.
AND I WAS JUST KIND OF,
IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS IN LIFE WHERE
YOU CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT,
BUT WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR KIDS IS CRUCIAL.
AND THE ONLY THING I COULD GET OUT IN THAT MOMENT
WAS LIKE, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
LIKE, THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANTED,
BUT GOD IS STILL GOOD.
AND SHE'S STILL YOUR LITTLE SISTER.
AND SHE'S IN HEAVEN.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT STUCK WITH HER,
BUT I'M HOPING DOWN THE LINE
IF SHE'S EVER IN A HARD SITUATION
THAT MY DAUGHTER REMEMBERS THAT GOD IS STILL GOOD.
EVEN THROUGH THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE,
I THINK THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANT HER TO WALK AWAY WITH.
MY SON WAS YOUNG.
HE WAS THREE AT THE TIME.
AND HE STARED AT HER.
HE WAS A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE TO HOLD HER,
BUT HE JUST STARED AT HER
AND SAID HOW CUTE AND PRETTY SHE WAS.
AND HE SAID, MOMMY, WHY ISN'T SHE CRYING?
WHY ISN'T SHE KICKING?
IS SHE HUNGRY?
DOES SHE NEED TO EAT?
I SAID, NO, SHE'S NOT ALIVE.
AND THE CONCEPT OF DEATH AT AN EARLY AGE
IS REALLY HARD TO GRASP.
AND IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN AS A MOM,
IT'S LIKE HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN DEATH,
YOU KNOW, TO LITTLE KIDS?
AND MY KIDS WERE FANTASTIC.
I JUST KEPT PRAYING THAT THEY WOULD BE ABLE
TO STOMACH IT.
SO THAT WAS THE FIRST DAY, REALLY HARD.
THAT NIGHT, I KEPT WAKING UP TO FEED HER.
IT'S LIKE A PHANTOM BABY THING.
I KEPT WAKING UP TO FEED HER.
WHICH IS FUNNY AS A MOM.
I WOKE UP LIKE EVERY 45 MINUTES,
LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEED A NEWBORN,
ON THE DOT, WOKE UP.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HER CRYING.
AND SHE WAS STILL NEXT TO ME
IN HER LITTLE BABY BASSINET,
BUT I JUST KEPT WAKING UP TO FEED HER.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HER CRYING.
SO THEN IT WAS KIND OF THAT WAVE OF EMOTIONS AGAIN
EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP.
OH, MY BABY'S DEAD.
MY BABY'S NOT ALIVE.
AND I THINK THAT WAS REALLY HARD AS WELL,
JUST THE REMINDER EVERY HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF.
LIKE, NO.
YOUR BODY AUTOMATICALLY GOES INTO FEED MODE,
WHICH I LEARNED LATER ON.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN YOU DELIVER,
YOUR BODY AUTOMATICALLY GOES INTO THE RHYTHM
OF WHAT THE NEWBORN WOULD NEED.
SO YOU WERE PRODUCING MILK?
OH, I HAD MILK FOR A MONTH.
I HAD MILK FOR A MONTH.
I WOULD WAKE UP EVERY HOUR TO FEED A NEWBORN,
HOUR AND A HALF.
YOUR BODY GOES THROUGH -
POSTPARTUM HAIR LOSS, EVERYTHING.
AND ONCE AGAIN, IT'S A REMINDER -
EVERY TIME.
OF THE LOSS.
YES, A LOSS.
AND THERE'S SO MANY WOMEN
WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH LOSS
AND THERE'S SO MANY BABIES
THAT HAVE BEEN DELIVERED AGAINST THEIR OWN WILL.
I JUST THINK ABOUT THE MOMS WHO
DON'T HAVE THE SUPPORT THAT I HAD
AND THEY HAD TO MAKE REALLY HARD DECISIONS ALONE.
WHETHER IT'S TERMINATION OR NOT,
BUT I'M JUST GRATEFUL THAT, YOU KNOW,
I WAS ABLE
TO GET OUT THOSE FIRST FEW MONTHS
WITH MY FAMILY, AND GOD SUPPORTING ME.
'CAUSE NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M ABLE TO TAKE A BREATH.
IT'S TAKEN ME A FULL YEAR.
YEAH.
TO KIND OF LOOK BACK AND GO, OKAY.
IT'S NOTHING YOU PLAN FOR,
BUT IF YOU HAPPEN TO GO THROUGH A LOSS IN THE FUTURE,
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I DID FOR MY KIDS'S GRIEF
WAS LETTING THEM BE PART OF THE PROCESS.
SO MY KIDS GOT MILA READY FOR HER BOX.
THEY PUT LOTION ON HER.
THEY HELD HER.
THEY WRAPPED HER UP IN A BLANKET.
AND IT HELPED THEM PROCESS
KIND OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED.
AND IT HELPED THEM FEEL LIKE THEY ARE,
BIG BROTHER, BIG SISTER TO MILA.
I THINK THAT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT, TOO.
YEAH.
AND THEY TOOK MILA?
YES.
SO WE BURIED HER.
SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL GRAVE.
SO YOU WERE ABLE TO BURY HER?
UH-HUH, YES, WE WERE ABLE TO BURY HER.
THE KIDS, WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOSPITAL AFTER YOU
HAVE A BABY THAT PASSED,
THEY HAVE LITERALLY LIKE A BOX,
LIKE A PURPLE BOX FOR US,
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL, IT'S LINED INSIDE AND WHATNOT.
AND, AGAIN, IT WAS LIKE THE LEVEL OF RESPECT
THAT EVERY BABY DESERVES.
SHE'S BURIED WITH A TEDDY BEAR
AND LIKE A LITTLE BLANKET.
AND JULIE, OUR BEREAVEMENT NURSE,
SHE GOT HER ALL READY.
THEY ESCORT THE BABY DOWN TO THE MORGUE,
WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW.
TWO SECURITY GUARDS ESCORT HER DOWN.
AND THEN YOU JUST COORDINATE WITH
WHEREVER YOU CHOOSE TO BURY.
BUT I THINK IT'S -
IT'S JUST NICE THAT I'M ABLE TO LOOK BACK
AND JUST SEE A BLESSING
OF LIKE ALL THE MIRACLES THAT WE HAD.
I WOULD SAY MY FAVORITE MIRACLES ARE
THAT GOD ANSWERED THE PRAYER
THAT HER HEARTBEAT WAS JUST 70 MINUTES -
70 BEATS PER MINUTE
WHEN HE CHOSE TO TAKE HER.
THAT WAS SUCH A BLESSING,
LIKE, NOT HAVING TO LIVE WITH THE GUILT
OF TAKING MY BABY OUT.
YEAH.
THAT'S A BLESSING IN ITSELF.
AND THEN I WOULD SAY THE OTHER MIRACLE
I GOT TO LIVE,
I THANK THE LORD FOR THAT.
AND THEN MY FAVORITE MIRACLE IS THAT
MILA'S IN HEAVEN.
YEAH.
AND THAT'S A GIFT WE ALL GET
AND WE ALL ARE OFFERED.
AND THE FACT THAT MY BABY,
I KNOW SHE'S IN HEAVEN,
THAT IS THE BIGGEST MIRACLE OF ALL.
THAT YOU'LL GET TO SEE HER AGAIN.
YEAH, YEAH.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY -
HOW DID YOU HANDLE THIS PAST YEAR,
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH THE MOURNING PROCESS?
WHAT WOULD YOUR ADVICE BE TO MOTHERS
WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW?
OOH.
LIKE, I'M STILL IN IT.
BECAUSE YOU STILL WAKE UP EVERY DAY WITHOUT A BABY,
YOU KNOW.
I THINK FOR ME THE THING THAT REALLY HELPED THE MOST
WAS ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE SAD.
YOU KNOW, ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE UPSET.
I PERSONALLY DIDN'T FEEL ANGRY A LOT.
BECAUSE I THINK GOD GAVE ME SO MANY MIRACLES
THAT I ASKED FOR,
SO MANY BLESSINGS.
AND I THINK LOOKING BACK AND SEEING,
YOU KNOW, WHETHER IT'S THE EXACT REASON GOD
ALLOWED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN OR NOT,
LOOKING BACK ON YOUR STORY,
MAYBE GOING THROUGH LOSS, BABY LOSS,
WHATEVER KIND OF LOSS IT IS,
SEE THE BLESSINGS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN YOU.
LIKE SEARCH FOR THEM.
AND THEN REMEMBER LIFE ON EARTH IS SO SHORT.
SO SHORT.
SOMETIMES I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT.
THAT GOD ALLOWS THINGS HE CAN PREVENT.
AND I THINK THAT IS BECAUSE HE NEEDS
PEOPLE TO USE THE STORIES
THAT THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN FOR HIS GLORY.
AND THAT'S A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.
I THINK SOMETIMES LOSS
IS VERY EASY TO SEE AS LIKE,
WHY DID GOD LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME?
AND I THINK, MOREOVER, WE NEED TO MAYBE
SHIFT OUR PERSPECTIVE AND SAY,
GOD HAS GIVEN ME THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF THIS EXPERIENCE.
HOW AM I GONNA USE THE EXPERIENCE
TO SHARE ABOUT HIM?
AND IT'S NOT EASY.
I WOULDN'T SAY IT'S ALWAYS EASY.
AND THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE
WITH MUCH MORE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
THAN I WENT THROUGH.
YOU KNOW, I THINK ABOUT CHILDREN WITH CANCER.
THAT BREAKS MY HEART.
AND, YOU KNOW, THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE
SOME SITUATION THAT'S WORSE THAN YOURS.
EVEN THOUGH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH IS REALLY HARD.
I THINK REMEMBERING THAT
AND CONSIDERING IT A BLESSING
THAT YOU'RE NOT AT THAT WORSE POINT.
I THINK THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
JUST HONESTLY, LIKE DIVING INTO THE WORD.
PRAYING.
AND ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE SAD.
IT'S OKAY.
YEAH.
NOT JUST TACKLING YOUR EMOTIONS, BUT PROCESSING THEM.
YES.
I DID DO, I DID DO A LITTLE BIT OF MDR THERAPY.
WHICH KIND OF, WHEN YOU GO THROUGH TRAUMA,
YOUR BRAIN CAN'T PROCESS IT.
SO WHEN YOU DO MDR,
IT RELATES TO THE WAY YOU SLEEP.
IN REM SLEEP, YOUR EYES GO BACK AND FORTH,
RIGHT?
AND THAT IS KIND OF, AS I'VE BEEN EXPLAINED TO,
IS THE WAY THAT YOUR BRAIN LIKE GETS RID OF TRASH.
LIKE THINGS ARE IN YOUR MIND THAT JUST DON'T MATTER,
THEY DON'T NEED TO BE THERE.
AND THE THING IS WHEN YOU GO THROUGH TRAUMA,
IT GETS BLOCKED UP.
SO YOU DO MDR TRAINING,
AND THEY DO AN EXERCISE WHERE YOUR EYES
GO BACK AND FORTH
AND YOU RELIVE THE MOMENT,
AND IT CLEARS, IT ALLOWS IT TO PROCESS
THROUGH YOUR BRAIN.
AND KIND OF MOVE FORWARD.
AND I'VE JUST DONE A LITTLE BIT OF THAT
AND I HAVE NOTICED A DIFFERENCE.
BUT I WOULD SAY THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE
IS REALLY WAKING UP EVERY DAY
AND JUST WAKING UP WITH GRATITUDE
AND TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD.
I WISH I HAD A PERFECT SOLUTION.
I THINK YOU, YOU'RE STEWARDING -
I THINK YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE MINDSET
FOR SOMEONE WHO'S GONE THROUGH
WHAT YOU'VE GONE THROUGH.
AND YOU'RE TAKING IT, YOU'VE SHIFTED
YOUR WHOLE MINDSET
AND YOU'VE MADE IT NOT ABOUT YOURSELF,
WHERE I THINK SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD ALLOW THEMSELVES
TO LET THIS TAKE THEM OUT,
THE DISCOURAGEMENT.
YOU HELD ON TO FAITH AND TO HOPE,
AND YOU SAID, OKAY, LORD, I'M GONNA LOOK AT THIS
AS AN OPPORTUNITY,
I'M GONNA STEWARD THIS THING
THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME,
AND I'M GONNA LET IT DO AS MUCH GOOD.
I'M GONNA LET MILA'S LIFE
DO AS MUCH GOOD AS POSSIBLE.
AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THANK YOU.
AND I DON'T THINK, HONESTLY, LIKE,
I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
AND I THINK THAT'S OKAY.
WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING PERFECT.
RIGHT.
IT'S ABOUT HIM TO BE PERFECT.
AND WE'RE IN HIM.
YEAH.
AND EACH DAY, HE GIVES US THE GRACE.
THAT'S TRUE.
I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS
ABOUT BEING HUMAN IS YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY
WITH NOT HAVING ALL THE ANSWERS.
YEAH. I AGREE.
IT'S SO FRUSTRATING A LOT OF THE TIME,
BUT I THINK IF YOU CAN REALLY KIND OF JUST
TAKE A BREATH,
AND REALIZE YOU'RE NOT -
LIKE NOT THAT YOU THINK YOU'RE GOD,
IF YOU CAN TAKE A BREATH AND REALIZE
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS HERE ON EARTH
BUT I STILL HAVE TOMORROW,
I'VE BEEN GIVEN TODAY,
YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP AND USE IT.
AND I KNOW A LOT OF THE TIME
WHEN YOU'RE GOING THROUGH THE TRENCHES,
IT'S A LOT EASIER SAID BY SOMEONE SITTING IN
A CHAIR, YOU KNOW,
WHO'S NOT GOING THROUGH THAT MOMENT AT THAT TIME.
BUT I KNOW THAT IF WE ADHERE TO LIKE GOD'S WORD
AND WE LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS
AND WE OBEY HIM,
IT WILL NEVER RETURN VOID.
AND I COULD BE HONESTLY, LIVING WITH SEVERE GUILT
AND DEPRESSION RIGHT NOW,
HAD I CHOSE TO TERMINATE.
AND I'M JUST GRATEFUL THAT GOD GAVE ME
THE STRENGTH TO NOT EVEN CONSIDER THAT.
BECAUSE I THINK THE GUILT ALONE COULD KILL SOMEBODY.
YOU KNOW, THE DEPRESSION OF IT.
AND I THINK IT'S JUST REALLY IMPORTANT
TO REMEMBER THAT IF WE CONTINUE
TO WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND CHOOSE THE RIGHT NEXT ANSWER,
WE'LL BE OKAY.
YEAH.
YEAH, MENTALLY.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
FOR SHARING YOUR STORY.
AND, YOU KNOW, BABY MILA'S LEGACY
IS GONNA CONTINUE ON.
AND I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE,
I KEEP CRYING.
SO, BRITTANY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
AND JUST ONE LAST ENCOURAGING WORD OR PRAYER,
WHATEVER YOU FEEL LED TO DO
TO THE WOMEN WHO ARE, EVEN THE FATHERS
WHO ARE LISTENING,
AND THEN WE'LL WRAP.
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I WOULD SAY LIFE IS SO HARD, YOU KNOW,
AND THERE ARE TIMES AND THERE ARE DAYS
WHEN YOU JUST DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH.
YOU REALLY DON'T SEE AN OUT.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS SITUATION,
THIS IS REALLY A DIFFERENT SITUATION.
GOD'S SITTING RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM
BY YOURSELF.
WHEN YOU'RE HEMORRHAGING, HE'S RIGHT THERE.
WHEN YOU'RE IN A REALLY HARD SITUATION
AND YOU'RE PREGNANT,
AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT
THROUGH THE PREGNANCY AND BEYOND,
I WOULD SAY GOD WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THAT.
AND IF YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH A HARD SITUATION
AND YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION,
GOD FORGIVES AND GOD LOVES YOU.
I THINK POST-ABORTION CARE IS SOMETHING
WE REALLY NEED TO HONE IN ON
AS A CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY
AND JUST BE THERE AS A SUPPORT SYSTEM
FOR WOMEN WHO ARE GOING THROUGH A HARD PREGNANCY
OR WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH A HARD PREGNANCY,
OR WHO HAVE MAYBE MADE A DECISION
THAT THEY KIND OF REGRET NOW.
I WOULD SAY THROUGH ANY CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE,
GOD IS THERE WITH YOU.
YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR HIM,
AND YOU NEED TO PRAY.
BECAUSE PRAYER CHANGES LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
AND SOMETIMES IT TAKES AWHILE
TO GET IN THE MOTION OF, LIKE, WHAT IT IS
YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR, WHAT YOU'RE FEELING,
BUT GOD HEARS EVERYTHING.
THAT'S SO GOOD.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.